i think that i think too hard
and i don't give enough credit to my heart

i need Thee every hour

i don't know if i'm just emotional or what (well, i KNOW that i AM emotional, but i don't know how much more or less than anyone else)...

but it seems like everyday is a roller coaster for me lately. and everyday i also come to a point where i am completely content and at peace with my faith in God and not understanding and controlling everything around me, even if it's only for an hour before bed...

then i wake up again in the morning and start over. dang it! i find myself praying every night "Lord, please help me to remember this mindset and peace tomorrow when i start to feel overwhelmed or upset" and it does seem to get a little easier each day.

good thing God doesn't give up on me. i'd give up on me.

"do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will."
romans 12:2

i feel like i should put a disclaimer on this post.

i hate being a girl sometimes.

a lot of times.

if you're a girl, you understand. if you're a boy, it might be a good idea to read this for understanding; however, i will tell you upfront that you will never completely understand. there is no explaining the mind and moods of a female. if i can't do it, then surely you can't.

but hey, that's what makes us mysterious and attractive, right?

sick.
_______

interestingly enough, i am having a big, long conversation with my "ex" online right now (sorry to refer to you that way, but i guess it's true?!) about how i've completely screwed myself over in terms of relationships since we broke up almost two years ago.

i won't go into all the gory details, but basically i was so afraid to commit to someone again for a certain period of time that i ended up hurting other people who were interested in me and who i actually really did care about. then, when i was finally ready to commit, it was to someone even more commitment-phobic than myself.

so here i sit, burned and broken...not angry, not mad...i really don't hold any of this against anyone at all b/c i have understanding of what happened, but i fear that it will be a difficult thing for me to believe that someone has solid, non-sketchy, strong, shout-it-from-the-rooftops feelings about me again and that really makes my heart ache because that is what i want. and that is what i want to be for someone else.

i guess it makes me the most sad b/c i used to be a person who had complete confidence in my relationships -- in the other person and in myself -- and now after this ridiculous drama-filled time in my life, i feel sometimes like i have a very weak person leftover to show for it.

am i making any sense?

then there's the L-O-V-E word. i feel like i have been so overwhelmed by people who express their "love" for me repeatedly with their words and emotions that i wonder if i can ever get back to the place where i have a pure understanding of the word "love" used in a romantic relationship. not to mention the fact that many times, these words were not followed up by actions and therefore have made me into an untrusting, paranoid mess. (not good since i am a firm believer in "luv is a verb" -- thank you, dc talk)

all-in-all, i hope and pray that i will be able to have enough patience and discernment to know when God calls me into a relationship so that i don't further the craziness that is michelle efird.

see, i told you that you would/wouldn't understand.
_______

are not five sparrows sold for two pennies?
yet not one of them is forgotten by God.
indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered.
don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
luke 12:6-7

what a week.

it has been quite the week. thursday on my lunch break, i called my mom only to find out that she was on her way to the hospital to consent to moving my grandmother to hospice and cutting her off all treatment besides oxygen and medication to ease the pain. i packed my things and headed home that afternoon.

there are so many things running through my mind right now that i want to write about...so many things i've thought about, questioned, been blessed by, etc. a few things:

• i am seriously overwhelmed by God's blessing of the friendships in my life; i am not talking about acquaintances (which are good to), but i'm talking serious, true, deeply caring people in my life that surround me on a daily basis. of course, some of those friends are the ones i live with or interact with daily and spend lots of time with, but some of them are even those i don't get to see that often or talk to, but we love and care about each other as if we spoke everyday. i spent the night in the hospital on thursday night so that my mom could try to get some sleep, and i had friends calling and staying up online to talk with me so i could stay awake. i know that people have felt like they can't "do" anything for me right now, but just knowing people truly care is quite enough.
• i won't really go in depth about this right now, but i am amazed at how quickly this life will go by. i hope and pray that at the end of my life, i am pleased with the focus of my life...and above all, that God is pleased.
• i was watching a video on our grace website just now (http://graceccnc.org/ - it's called "Easter Sunday testimonials"), and cannot control my tears about the truth that speaks through it to me. on the video, josh comments about some things that have happened in his life this year, saying that it was definitely God trying to get his attention. i see that so many times in my life, and although those times are usually utterly painful, i am so thankful. i praise God that He cares enough to help me re-focus my life and put things in perspective. and from all these lessons, i am usually able to help others go through the same things.

i came back to buies creek yesterday for lindsay's shower, and i am continually blessed by being a part of her whole wedding process, and hopefully learning a lot ahead of time. :) it was a really good time and it was great to be with people who mean a lot to me.

this morning, i found out that nanna passed away at 6am. it's somewhat surreal and i wondered if i would be upset if something happened while i was gone, but honestly i think God was protecting me. i think it might have been too hard to be there when she actually passed away. and i did get to talk to her a few times while i was home when she was awake, so that's what i'm thankful for.

thank you all so much for your thoughts, prayer and phone calls...they have truly helped me to get through this time. please continue to pray for my family, specifically for my mom and grandfather.

12:30am?? Good time to write, of course.

it seems that i am continually reminded of how undeserving i am of God's grace, and of the blessings He pours on me.

consequently, i am also reminded of how selfish i am towards the people around me...hoarding everything that i am blessed with as if it was deserved.

i was so thankful that lindsay reminded me of this verse this week:

"freely you have received,
freely give."
[matthew 10:8]

so many times, i get caught up in what i want, what i deserve, how i feel, what's not fair to me and what i just can't understand when really, i don't deserve anything. i don't deserve what i want or good feelings and i certainly don't truly want what would be "fair" to me. and obviously, i will never be able to understand everything and if i could, i'd worship myself (which all too often, is what it seems when i convince myself that i'm pretty dang smart).

a good friend (and student) of mine recently reminded me that when God promises you things for your life, He does them. it sounds simple, but when you start to worry about your life, it's easy to forget. even though it might sometimes feel like God has forgotten the desires that He put in my heart, He most certainly has not and i know that He will remain faithful to me b/c He never fails. i think it's extremely hard for us to trust someone that deeply...trusting that God will never, ever fail us...b/c we really have no tangible concept of infallibility. we fail others (and ourselves) everyday, over and over, and other people fail us too, so it's hard to put complete and total faith in someone, especially someone we can't visibly see. this causes us to worry and be overwhelmed, creates pressure and bad, split-second, emotional decisions b/c we feel like we have to control what happens to us...that there is no way things will work out unless we do it ourselves.

so i'm working on trust and recognizing how selfless God is with me, and how important it is for me to show that selflessness to everyone i encounter...friends, perceived "enemies," people who have hurt me, people who take advantage of me, people who don't like me one bit. who am i to judge, and play favorites and choose who i will love and who i will refuse love to?

"by this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you love one another."
[john 13:35]

lots on my mind.

what's on my mind? a better question would be "what's NOT on my mind?"

now, i know i give tons of "advice" and hopefully help a handful of people, but i still come home everyday and wonder what in the world i'm doing. we talked about a lot tonight in Bible study, b/c i just decided to go ahead and throw all my questions out on the table...it definitely helped me to sort through things a little more, but i wanted to put in my two cents about college dating (this goes out to some of my admissions students, as well as myself, of course.)

• as far as relationships go, i think that when you're in college it's really easy to get wrapped up in who fits correctly into your lifestyle or friend group, or who everyone tells you would be "perfect" for you or looks "cute" with you. i've realized, even just shy of one year out, that none of that matters (and i wish i had thought more about it before i graduated). what it really comes down to is who would you be stoked about outside of your college setting...when you're not student body president or a star athlete or mr. personality on campus. who will you be just fine with when no one remembers that about you, and who can you laugh with even when things absolutely suck? who will be able to pray for you and be with you through the hardest things you'll ever go through, and be incredibly excited during the biggest joys? who will you still love even when they piss you off beyond belief and you want to hit them (b/c let's face it, that will happen)? basically, who are you willing to experience life with...all of it, even the stuff you don't know about yet (and that's a risky gamble). i'm not saying you'll definitely find someone in college, but it's just something to think about while you're looking.

i know that might sound corny, but it's really true. yep.

whew.

so much to think about after home fellowship every week, for sure. a few highlights and things that we continued to talk about in the car on the way home...

• brad mentioned tonight how different it is to live in america, and i started thinking about how much that has effected the way i view God, Christianity, heaven, the purpose of life, etc. sadly, i realized in the car that i don't have a huge desire for heaven...i don't think about it very often b/c, to be honest, i really don't have it bad here. i started talking about it in the car and nick mentioned the fact that so many times, we think about heaven as more of a "materialistic" thing. as immature as this sounds, it was like a light when off in my head that i haven't really thought about often, if even at all. when i think of heaven, i try to imagine the "streets of gold" and all the "beauty" that we will find, but that doesn't really appeal to me because i'm quite satisfied with the things i see on this earth. when i do this, i am ignorantly forgetting that when i get to heaven, i will have a full and complete knowledge of God -- and this is what i crave each and every day in my life and in my prayers. i can't even fathom how wonderfully satisfying and awesome it will be to understand everything i've struggled with or blindly had faith in for so long. not to mention the fact that i will be completely physically healed; this in itself is absolutely enough for me to long for because i have no concept of that feeling. i have always believed that i am luckier having never felt "normal" when it comes to my physical state, but when i think about heaven, i definitely consider myself luckier to feel complete healing from this earthly, broken body. the thought actually makes me want to weep.
• brad also talked about how in other countries, people are "fatalistic," meaning that they wake up everyday with the expectation that things are going to be bad or even that they may die from the various things they deal with or encounter on a daily basis, whereas in america we are the opposite. we wake up everyday with the expectation that things BETTER go our way, or we are completely thrown off with nothing but pity for ourselves. this is exactly what i deal with on a daily basis, and the part of me that i am so trapped inside and loathe at the same time. what an interesting country we live in; a blessing a curse, as so many things are in life (the curse being our own fault, of course).
• justine also brought up how we are to figure out what to do with our lives, and we discussed that on the way home. we talked about something donnie said a few weeks ago, when he said that the job we use as a source of income on earth is really just a means to do what we are really here for on earth. this is really important to me where i am in life right now, b/c i have a hard time justifying doing anything outside "the ministry" b/c of how unimportant i tend to think everything else is...but at the same time, i don't feel a calling to be in "the ministry," or what people generally think of that as. interesting stuff.

actually, i think that's enough for tonight. my little human brain can't take much more at this point.

down to earth

Jesus was a human being just like me. i have to keep telling myself that.

actually, a LOT worse happened to Him than has or probably will ever happen to me. and most importantly, He knows how i feel. i tend to forget that and believe it impossible in my times of self pity and in bitter sadness and upset. but He certainly knows how i feel when i cry out to Him and that is so comforting. He will take care of me.

i was reminded during my trip to ohio that God has already promised us so many things in our lives. He also has a purpose for us and regardless of ourselves, as long as we genuinely desire it, He will do what He wants with us. i had a really remarkable talk/prayer with a student/friend of mine in ohio who God used to literally speak to me through. it was absolutely amazing, something i don't think i've ever quite experienced in my life and something that i hope to experience repeatedly.

it was so comforting...i have been praying for months saying "i feel like i never know what You want me to do...i can guess, i can try, i can pray all i want, but i know i'll never get an email or a phone call from You telling me what to do about all these things that i an anxious and unsure about. i can't see you or hear you or even sometimes feel You and i wish things were more clear b/c i'm more scared of ME screwing things up than You." so God used someone else to talk straight to me. prayer is good.

He told me to keep doing what i'm doing and spoke directly to me about specific things i had been praying about. even though some of these things weren't exactly what i would have liked to hear, i felt completely at peace b/c i knew it was God speaking to me.

i won't really detail anymore here, but if you're interested in hearing about it, i would love to share. it's just too much to write on here, too hard to explain. but i did want to share the point, and that is prayer. there is nothing else we can really do to save ourselves from ourselves.
___________

i have also realized that i would probably recognize and understand what God wants for my life more easily if i actually knew God better. it's just like your friends and family: i know exactly how my best friends and family members would react in any situation, how they would reason it out and what they would tell me to do. if i knew God half as well as i know my best friends, i would really probably do better at making decisions about my own life and reaching out to other people in their lives. how do we do that? pray, read the Bible...

[side tangent: why in the world do i have such a problem finding time to read the Bible when it's basically an instruction book for my life?!?! i
certainly have time to listen to music and go out to dinner and work out when i want to]

...meditate on the Word, and on God Himself and simply talk to Him and let Him speak to you.
___________

i also think i've finally realized how God speaks to me. i've always been jealous of people who said "God spoke to me...blah, blah" b/c i was always thinking "HOW does He speak to you?!?!" God speaks to me when i meditate...meaning, when i actually turn off the music in my car or lay in bed at night and talk to God and sit and let Him put thoughts in my head instead of filling them up with my own. God "speaks" to me when i get ideas...things that i know i didn't come up with on my own or things that i say to people that i never even thought of until they came out of my mouth. it's refreshing to say "i didn't think of that at all" b/c i know God has spoken to me and through me.

just like He did through my student, who i am so thankful for. :)

why do we have emotions??

any takers? i'm plumb out of answers for that question.

maybe, instead of trying so hard to learn more about MYSELF,

i should try to learn more about GOD.*

by doing that, i would (hopefully) learn more about myself anyway, since i was (gracefully) made in His image.



*note: by the way, why isn't this an easy concept, since we have something in print to teach us about God. there's nothing in print to teach me about myself. at least i hope not.



i've heard about "meditating on God" and "on God's Word" for my whole life. i am so thankful for finally learning how important that is, even if i'm learning in little bits and pieces.

even if you don't have a Bible with you, talk to God and meditate with God. things will come to you like they never have before, and that's because it's not you.

"but He said to me,
'My grace is sufficient for you,
for My power is made perfect in weakness.'

therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses,
so that Christ's power may rest on me.

that is why, for Christ's sake,
i delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships,
in persecutions, in difficulties.
for when I am weak, then I am strong."

.2 corinthians 12:9-10.

la vita e bella

i've just finished off a really weird week.

now, i have had some WEIRD weeks in my life, but this one has been particularly interesting in a number of situations that have really already taught me a lot about myself and life in general.

i found out on saturday that linda talley, wife of my pastor brad at grace, has an inoperable brain tumor. they found out saturday after linda had been feeling dizzy and light-headed for the week prior.

we found out today that it is malignant and is actually a very aggressive form of cancer, leaving her with radiation as her only option, and an estimated 2-3 months.

i just cannot imagine what that is like. today we got an email saying they were going to break the news slowly to her over the next few days...then later in the day, we received one saying "linda wants to live, but she is resting in God's decision. she believes that He has the best plans for her."

linds and i talked about this yesterday for awhile, and i really think that the reason it upsets me so much is for brad. of course i'm upset for linda and that she has to go through this and the treatments, etc. but to be honest, i think i would rather be linda than brad right now...i would rather be the one thinking about leaving than thinking about being left here.

i could go on forever about all the things i am already realizing from this whole situation and i am just ONE person! i am SO thankful for the connection i have to grace this year...i don't think i have ever really felt a "burden" for someone else like i feel for brad and linda. i know it's not nearly what they're feeling, but i have never wept over anyone outside of my family before and that connection amazes me. what a blessing my home fellowship & grace have been in my life.

i also realize that i have no concept of what God can do with a situation like this...who it will reach, who it will inspire, who it will touch. i have NO concept. i know this b/c even when i catch a little glimpse, i am overwhelmed. thank goodness God doesn't reveal things to us all at once; i am too weak to handle even small servings.

i can also see the importance of the person you choose to spend your life with. of COURSE, it's not something i've ever taken lightly or anything, but we get so caught up in the hear and now...and in things that really don't matter...constant attention, good looks, the way a person makes you "feel all giddy inside." i am certain that when brad and linda decided to get married, they had NO idea that linda would NEED brad in her life for this specific situation. he is just who she needs to encourage, strengthen and love her, and she is just what he neesd right now too. i have to believe that God will do the same for me. give me faith in someone who will be exactly what i need. i have no basis for making that decision right now b/c i don't know what the future holds, so i am thankful that i can let God make that decision clear for me.

there are so many more things i could say, but right now i am completely overwhelmed. just two weeks ago at home fellowship, linda and i talked through dinner, discussing my arthritis and everything that came with it. she felt awful that she never knew before, and i told her it's something i don't really realize that most people don't know about, b/c for so many years of my life, it was much more obvious than it is now. she and i discussed treatments and diets and she gave me recommendations for those things...she was so concerned about my life and really understanding everything about my condition. i am especially thankful for that conversation.

a very close "friend" of mine reminded me today that this is not over. there is hope for linda, b/c this is just prognosis and frankly, b/c of God. we can pray and weep and study together and see if God wills that linda make it through this. there is definitely hope, so i don't want to sound like it's finished. i KNOW it's not in more ways than one. but i have learned so much already, and at the expense of someone who is a constant and shining example of God's love and grace.

i'm sure i'll have more to say tonight after home fellowship...

james 4:13-15:

13Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." 14Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."

read the whole chapter...it's good.

a change would do you good.

why do we worry so much about our lives?!?

...what we look like everyday, what we're going to do this weekend, how much money we don't have to buy the things we want (notice i said want), etc.

especially when there are SO many other things in the world to worry about, mostly outside of this wonderful country we call america.

i think there are a number of reasons we still worry about ourselves, but probably mostly b/c we're ignorant to what's going on outside of our own little bubbles. and that's our own faults.

• have you ever heard of the "kimberley process," a joint agreement between government, civil society and the international diamond industry made to stem the flow of conflict diamonds (rough diamonds used my rebels in africa to finance way against their government)? you might have seen the movie "blood diamond" and came home saying "i don't even want a diamond now..." but that's not the point. fair diamond trade supports an estimated 10 million people globally, including the basis for much of the african government. be sure your diamonds are conflict free. when you buy conflict free diamonds, you could actually change someone's life in africa...for example, there are actually government-funded education and medical programs whose money comes solely from diamond trade.
• did you know that very recently, starbucks refused to negotiate trade agreements with ethiopia unless they agreed to play by starbucks' own terms? ethiopia filed last year to trademark three of their most famous coffees, allowing them to make more money off of their trade (an estimated 88 million more per year to be exact). this would also allow farmers to receive a greater share of the retail value, enabling better life in ethiopia. so what can you do? boycott starbucks?? i'm sure if YOU boycott starbucks, they will become open-minded and trade fairly...probably unrealistic. but maybe you could not go to the barista so often and save the $ you spend each month on coffee (maybe make it in your own kitchen??) and give that to an organization that does have the means to help intervene in this situation. (like oxfam international)

these are just two simple examples of things i have learned about very recently, which i've decided to actually look into and not just "protest" -- to actually find out what we can do to change things for the world.

when i start to read about these things and think about the blessings i have in my ABUNDANT life and the things i take for granted each day, life doesn't seem so bad. let's get real.

READ more (i don't think we know how to read in american half the time...i know i don't)

http://www.oxfamamerica.org/

http://www.diamondfacts.org/

or, even start simple...make your homepage cnn.com or something instead of espn or the always lovely facebook.com where we waste at least an hour a day.

honestly, it'll change your life. and other people's lives, most importantly.

it's very obvious to me that something in my life needs to change.

i don't think i'm actually depressed everyday or something, but i really do feel unhappy most of the time. i really can't pinpoint any one reason i feel this way either.

i do wonder a lot whether i've made wrong choices in the past or done something to "deserve" the way i feel, but deep down, i know that's not what God does. He actually does the opposite by providing us grace, but that still leaves me wondering why i feel like a mess all the time.

am i not taking advantage of the opportunities that will fulfill my life? i pray all the time that i will, and i pray to see the opportunities and that i might be used regardless of my stupid self-pity state. i love my church and my home fellowship makes my week every tuesday and i literally come home thinking "why do i worry if i truly believe God is taking care of me?" but sometimes i think i'm more worried/scared about MY part in my life than God's...yeah, i definitely am.

and to be quite honest, i'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that i feel like i'm finally ready to commit myself to another person again and i think i have much more of a perspective of what that means for me and i feel completely certain that i can do it, but there's no one to do that with.

as usual, i prayed/yelled with God in the car the other night, wondering out loud why i am by myself right now and why my desire for that type of companionship will not go away even though i constantly ask for it to be taken away so i can focus on other things. i told Him that i realize i was not made to be alone, and that i also don't think there will ever come a time where i feel like i'm "ready" for a relationship...i can't pray enough, think enough or even see enough counselors to make me feel like i can say "okay, i'm perfectly ready for this." i want someone just as crazy as me who i can go through crazy life with. to push me and challenge me, and let me do the same thing for them. to learn with and from. i realize that i can do things on my own...that i'm not paralyzed without "someone," but i feel that i could do 10x more with the right person b/c of encouragement and enthusiasm and someone to share my everyday, stupid, boring life with.

and that's the end for today. sorry this isn't fancy.

catharsis

"you know somebody, and they cry for you.
they stay awake at night and dream of you.
i bet you never even know they do,
but somebody's crying for you."

whew.

every day this week has been "one of those days."

i'm pretty sure guys cannot relate, but the ones where i know that it would be very beneficial if i just went to bed instead of thinking about my life b/c i feel so crazy and might do or say something stupid. and i know that if i just go to sleep, i will feel differently in the morning.

plus, i've been sick & can't even go to the doctor right now b/c i'm still figuring out my insurance nonsense, which is a 5-page post in itself.

i just want a little bit of order in my life, and i have none.

i don't like this 'growing up' business.

fall on your knees

**This is going to be very “stream of consciousness,” so please bear with me…I promise there’s a point.**

I should really start praying and thinking more in the car rather than listening to my bangin’ rap and pop music that’s going to cause total hearing loss before I’m 30.

(although I do love my bangin’ music…)

Last night as I drove the 40-minute drive back from Cameron Village from dinner with a wonderful friend of mine, I decided that I was not going to listen to my music for a change and talk to God. When I’m in the car by myself and praying, I talk out loud, usually pretty intensely depending on the conversation, but let’s face it: at this point of uncertainty in my life, it’s mostly pretty intense. It’s very cathartic.

So many times in my life, I feel like a “baby Christian,” because I need and ask for so much from God – affirmation, comfort, joy, wisdom, strength – and that’s all in a day’s work. I find myself praying for such specific things, most of which the average person might consider small and insignificant. But they are things I need…simple things that show me that I’m on the right path, even when I feel like I’m walking blindly. I think that I tend to beat myself up for this because I feel like I should be more “mature” in my faith or to the point where I don’t pray about everyday, “petty” little things like “God, please somehow keep me busy for the next hour” so I don’t get too upset about life. But I’ve decided that it doesn’t matter what you pray about because the big man wants to hear it all. He already knows it, but He would rather hear it from you than just do the supernatural thing.
__________________________

Have you ever had one of those moments in life where everything makes sense? I have them every once in awhile and some of them are a lot greater and more defined than others.

There was the time when I was telling Katie Beck about my 3rd grade school picture when I sported my jingle bell necklace, when suddenly I realized that I definitely was born with Christmas spirit; it’s not something that came with age and appreciation.

Then there was the vivid time in my car my junior year when I told God that if He wanted me to live a risky & uncertain but loving & fulfilling life, He had my permission (as if He needed that, but I think it was the time where I decided to surrender my idealistic view of what lay ahead of me).

There was also last fall at Thanksgiving, when my mom asked me to speak to the children at her church about growing up with arthritis and encourage them about the times when they feel ‘different’ from everyone else. It wasn’t until mom was introducing me with a story about the time when I was in a coma that I realized that I am the reason my mom’s vocation changed from nursing to children’s ministry, because my parents don’t tell me these things. I guess they don’t want to make me feel bad about how hard it is when I was small, but I informed them that I would really like to know, so they’re getting better about it.

Last night was another one of those revelation nights. I was praying and rattling off all the people in my life who I’m thankful for and why, praying for each one of them in their specific situations. Because last year was such an odd year compared to what I thought it would be, I was blessed to have Lindsay in the next room, who was always there to listen to and encourage me each day. I also had Katie and Clayton, who were always there to provide support and love, along with major entertainment and uncontrollable laughter when things weren’t going so well and unbridled joy when things were fantastic. And if for some reason both of them weren’t there at the same time, at least one was always by my side. That’s just how it was. And I got spoiled.
__________________________

So, as you can imagine, life after college has been a real shock for me. And so, last night as I was praying for and about Melinda, I thanked God for allowing things to work out so that we could live together, even though we work at least 40 minutes apart. I have no doubt that God knew I was not fit to live alone this year, and that I am definitely in major need of someone to talk to in order to save my sanity and provide insight. Then I said “I know that You are there all the time, but I really do thank You for providing a person for me to talk to each day because it’s just so hard sometimes since You’re not tangibly here in front of me.”

Then I realized something that might sound completely elementary to most people, but it is the truth of Christmas: Jesus Christ was a human just like us. He grew up and went to school and worked each day and felt the things that we feel in our hearts each day – grief, happiness, sorrow, excitement, love, separation, joy! I think it’s so hard to imagine that the unseen Jesus that we pray to once lived here on this earth; I feel like many times it’s so unimaginable that we don’t even try to understand it or think about what it might have been like. Jesus was sent to die for us, and along the way He experienced what it’s like to live on this crazy earth…life with emotions and uncertainty and questioning.

With that said, I definitely believe that He knows how I’m feeling and what I need on a daily basis. I feel like I got a small taste of the importance of Christmas in the car last night, and I am satisfied.

out of control.

my life is out of control right now, in the sense that i am not IN control of anything. i think that's a good thing, and the way it's supposed to be right now, but i'm not gonna' lie, it scares me to death.

i'm used to being in control of most things in life and semi- knowing what lies ahead for me. right now? not so much.

there's so much that i could say about it, but basically, i just feel like i have no idea where i'm headed in any area of my life and i have to totally trust that God is leading me in the right direction regardless of myself. i feel like i'm just blindly handing it all over and that's really hard.

i definitely think i'm supposed to be learning trust and patience right now. trust in God and in man...patience, as in not scrambling to put my own life together for fear that i'm WAY behind everyone else and letting God have control of those areas of my life that i struggle to have faith in.

with Christmas just around the corner, this is very hard for me because it brings an uneasy feeling to a season where i would normally feel completely "whole" and warm and fuzzy. but i am learning a lot and this Christmas could just be the most real i've experienced thus far.

i lovelovelove homecoming!

even if it is only a saturday event for me this year :)

behind the melody, the words don't mean a thing

a few thoughts for this week from my introspective self:

• i really enjoy watching people do what they love. toni-lyn came to stay with melinda and i on saturday night, so we went with her to see the "like a love affair" show at cafe decor and more, a coffee shop on main street. ryan jernigan plays guitar and sings lead vocals, and i can't tell you how much i loved watching him do something he loves. i don't even know ryan all that well, but we've had a few really good converstations (one in goodyear a couple years ago when ryan had just come back from touring with another band) and i do like it when we run into each other. and, to be honest, "like a love affair" would probably not be something that i would listen to on a regular basis, but i had a great time at the show because i do appreciate the music and especially the apparent passion the band had about their music.

• it's funny how weather effects me. i don't mean my "mood" necessarily, but how it effects what i want to do during the day. when it's rainy, i always want to stay in and watch a movie or curl up in a blanket and fall asleep watching tv and drinking hot chocolate. when it's sunny, i'm ready to go out and exercise, do random things like thrift store shopping or university photo shoots. i was sitting outside today before jeanna came to get me for lunch, thinking about how this overcast day makes me want to relax and chill, whether it be just going out and having dinner and a movie, or staying in and getting things together in the apartment before bedtime. it's not because the weather puts me in a "good" or "bad" mood, it's just that it really effects what i think i should do after i get off work at 5pm. i know this is probably something that everyone has already thought about, but i think it's pretty amazing how the condition of the sky effects my productivity and choice of activities each day!

• i'm old. okay, i'm not really old, but i feel old. i come to work each day, do some type of dinner, hang out for a bit and head to bed. that's it! no more surprises really...just a pretty routine schedule. but THAT is not why i feel old. i feel old because i'm OKAY with that. i enjoy the routine....i want to relax at night instead of being crazy busy....i want to come home and talk to the same few people everyday about life to get their insight and to hear about their days....and this, my friends, means i'm not in college anymore. i'm not into being overwhelmed and busy; i don't crave drama and excitement like i used to....and i don't care what anybody says, we all through that stage in life where we crave drama -- maybe not consciously -- but everyone wants to be in the middle of things and have something to talk about and someone to talk about. to me, this is a nice and semi-hilarious pasttime, but certainly not something that i feel i will ever want to be a part of again. thank goodness.

• i've been thinking a lot about something we discussed in our home fellowship 3 weeks ago: God created us in His image. this means we were created to dominate and have domain on the earth. in a sinless world, this would be absolute perfection. but because we are sinful creatures, this dominant tendency gets the best of us most (all) of the time. i don't know about anyone else, but i honestly let out a sigh of relief when i realized that i was created to dominate. it really does explain a lot of my tendencies and struggles...and why i always feel like i need to be in control of my life. now, that doesn't mean i can just let it go b/c "i was created that way," but at least i realize that God knows why i am the way i am because HE is that way, and that i can work through it with His help. this also explains why God is so attractive to most people (whether they believe in Him or not, they are drawn to the idea and intrigued). we are attracted to dominant people! if i could dominate God, i would just take care of myself! but i can't, so i am absolutely in awe of him. it's the same way with people that we are romantically attracted to, or even just attracted to as friends. everyone i know that i am completely attracted to (in any way, shape or form) has something or does something that totally dumbfounds me because i can't do it myself. i think that's really interesting. and i hope it makes sense to anyone else when i say it out loud (or on here..haha).

• i LOVE working with my students at work. and we're going on a field trip on monday to las brisas! seriously, i loooove them; they're awesome & they make my day!

ANYWAY, it's fall break this week for the students so we get friday off! lindsay, nick, justine and i are headed to my house to see my DOMINATING brother (awesome photo from the paper below) play football and chill out for the weekend and i'm excited! my parents and brother are also coming here the next weekend for homecoming so that my little brother can escort me at the game!! my favorite time of the year and really the last time i get to "participate."

one more fyi: campbell beat the #3-ranked UNC Tarheels Men's Soccer team last night 1-0 in a non-conference game. that's what i'm talking about. bleed orange, people. bleed orange.