what a week.

it has been quite the week. thursday on my lunch break, i called my mom only to find out that she was on her way to the hospital to consent to moving my grandmother to hospice and cutting her off all treatment besides oxygen and medication to ease the pain. i packed my things and headed home that afternoon.

there are so many things running through my mind right now that i want to write about...so many things i've thought about, questioned, been blessed by, etc. a few things:

• i am seriously overwhelmed by God's blessing of the friendships in my life; i am not talking about acquaintances (which are good to), but i'm talking serious, true, deeply caring people in my life that surround me on a daily basis. of course, some of those friends are the ones i live with or interact with daily and spend lots of time with, but some of them are even those i don't get to see that often or talk to, but we love and care about each other as if we spoke everyday. i spent the night in the hospital on thursday night so that my mom could try to get some sleep, and i had friends calling and staying up online to talk with me so i could stay awake. i know that people have felt like they can't "do" anything for me right now, but just knowing people truly care is quite enough.
• i won't really go in depth about this right now, but i am amazed at how quickly this life will go by. i hope and pray that at the end of my life, i am pleased with the focus of my life...and above all, that God is pleased.
• i was watching a video on our grace website just now (http://graceccnc.org/ - it's called "Easter Sunday testimonials"), and cannot control my tears about the truth that speaks through it to me. on the video, josh comments about some things that have happened in his life this year, saying that it was definitely God trying to get his attention. i see that so many times in my life, and although those times are usually utterly painful, i am so thankful. i praise God that He cares enough to help me re-focus my life and put things in perspective. and from all these lessons, i am usually able to help others go through the same things.

i came back to buies creek yesterday for lindsay's shower, and i am continually blessed by being a part of her whole wedding process, and hopefully learning a lot ahead of time. :) it was a really good time and it was great to be with people who mean a lot to me.

this morning, i found out that nanna passed away at 6am. it's somewhat surreal and i wondered if i would be upset if something happened while i was gone, but honestly i think God was protecting me. i think it might have been too hard to be there when she actually passed away. and i did get to talk to her a few times while i was home when she was awake, so that's what i'm thankful for.

thank you all so much for your thoughts, prayer and phone calls...they have truly helped me to get through this time. please continue to pray for my family, specifically for my mom and grandfather.

12:30am?? Good time to write, of course.

it seems that i am continually reminded of how undeserving i am of God's grace, and of the blessings He pours on me.

consequently, i am also reminded of how selfish i am towards the people around me...hoarding everything that i am blessed with as if it was deserved.

i was so thankful that lindsay reminded me of this verse this week:

"freely you have received,
freely give."
[matthew 10:8]

so many times, i get caught up in what i want, what i deserve, how i feel, what's not fair to me and what i just can't understand when really, i don't deserve anything. i don't deserve what i want or good feelings and i certainly don't truly want what would be "fair" to me. and obviously, i will never be able to understand everything and if i could, i'd worship myself (which all too often, is what it seems when i convince myself that i'm pretty dang smart).

a good friend (and student) of mine recently reminded me that when God promises you things for your life, He does them. it sounds simple, but when you start to worry about your life, it's easy to forget. even though it might sometimes feel like God has forgotten the desires that He put in my heart, He most certainly has not and i know that He will remain faithful to me b/c He never fails. i think it's extremely hard for us to trust someone that deeply...trusting that God will never, ever fail us...b/c we really have no tangible concept of infallibility. we fail others (and ourselves) everyday, over and over, and other people fail us too, so it's hard to put complete and total faith in someone, especially someone we can't visibly see. this causes us to worry and be overwhelmed, creates pressure and bad, split-second, emotional decisions b/c we feel like we have to control what happens to us...that there is no way things will work out unless we do it ourselves.

so i'm working on trust and recognizing how selfless God is with me, and how important it is for me to show that selflessness to everyone i encounter...friends, perceived "enemies," people who have hurt me, people who take advantage of me, people who don't like me one bit. who am i to judge, and play favorites and choose who i will love and who i will refuse love to?

"by this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you love one another."
[john 13:35]

lots on my mind.

what's on my mind? a better question would be "what's NOT on my mind?"

now, i know i give tons of "advice" and hopefully help a handful of people, but i still come home everyday and wonder what in the world i'm doing. we talked about a lot tonight in Bible study, b/c i just decided to go ahead and throw all my questions out on the table...it definitely helped me to sort through things a little more, but i wanted to put in my two cents about college dating (this goes out to some of my admissions students, as well as myself, of course.)

• as far as relationships go, i think that when you're in college it's really easy to get wrapped up in who fits correctly into your lifestyle or friend group, or who everyone tells you would be "perfect" for you or looks "cute" with you. i've realized, even just shy of one year out, that none of that matters (and i wish i had thought more about it before i graduated). what it really comes down to is who would you be stoked about outside of your college setting...when you're not student body president or a star athlete or mr. personality on campus. who will you be just fine with when no one remembers that about you, and who can you laugh with even when things absolutely suck? who will be able to pray for you and be with you through the hardest things you'll ever go through, and be incredibly excited during the biggest joys? who will you still love even when they piss you off beyond belief and you want to hit them (b/c let's face it, that will happen)? basically, who are you willing to experience life with...all of it, even the stuff you don't know about yet (and that's a risky gamble). i'm not saying you'll definitely find someone in college, but it's just something to think about while you're looking.

i know that might sound corny, but it's really true. yep.