Wednesday, December 20, 2006

fall on your knees

**This is going to be very “stream of consciousness,” so please bear with me…I promise there’s a point.**

I should really start praying and thinking more in the car rather than listening to my bangin’ rap and pop music that’s going to cause total hearing loss before I’m 30.

(although I do love my bangin’ music…)

Last night as I drove the 40-minute drive back from Cameron Village from dinner with a wonderful friend of mine, I decided that I was not going to listen to my music for a change and talk to God. When I’m in the car by myself and praying, I talk out loud, usually pretty intensely depending on the conversation, but let’s face it: at this point of uncertainty in my life, it’s mostly pretty intense. It’s very cathartic.

So many times in my life, I feel like a “baby Christian,” because I need and ask for so much from God – affirmation, comfort, joy, wisdom, strength – and that’s all in a day’s work. I find myself praying for such specific things, most of which the average person might consider small and insignificant. But they are things I need…simple things that show me that I’m on the right path, even when I feel like I’m walking blindly. I think that I tend to beat myself up for this because I feel like I should be more “mature” in my faith or to the point where I don’t pray about everyday, “petty” little things like “God, please somehow keep me busy for the next hour” so I don’t get too upset about life. But I’ve decided that it doesn’t matter what you pray about because the big man wants to hear it all. He already knows it, but He would rather hear it from you than just do the supernatural thing.
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Have you ever had one of those moments in life where everything makes sense? I have them every once in awhile and some of them are a lot greater and more defined than others.

There was the time when I was telling Katie Beck about my 3rd grade school picture when I sported my jingle bell necklace, when suddenly I realized that I definitely was born with Christmas spirit; it’s not something that came with age and appreciation.

Then there was the vivid time in my car my junior year when I told God that if He wanted me to live a risky & uncertain but loving & fulfilling life, He had my permission (as if He needed that, but I think it was the time where I decided to surrender my idealistic view of what lay ahead of me).

There was also last fall at Thanksgiving, when my mom asked me to speak to the children at her church about growing up with arthritis and encourage them about the times when they feel ‘different’ from everyone else. It wasn’t until mom was introducing me with a story about the time when I was in a coma that I realized that I am the reason my mom’s vocation changed from nursing to children’s ministry, because my parents don’t tell me these things. I guess they don’t want to make me feel bad about how hard it is when I was small, but I informed them that I would really like to know, so they’re getting better about it.

Last night was another one of those revelation nights. I was praying and rattling off all the people in my life who I’m thankful for and why, praying for each one of them in their specific situations. Because last year was such an odd year compared to what I thought it would be, I was blessed to have Lindsay in the next room, who was always there to listen to and encourage me each day. I also had Katie and Clayton, who were always there to provide support and love, along with major entertainment and uncontrollable laughter when things weren’t going so well and unbridled joy when things were fantastic. And if for some reason both of them weren’t there at the same time, at least one was always by my side. That’s just how it was. And I got spoiled.
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So, as you can imagine, life after college has been a real shock for me. And so, last night as I was praying for and about Melinda, I thanked God for allowing things to work out so that we could live together, even though we work at least 40 minutes apart. I have no doubt that God knew I was not fit to live alone this year, and that I am definitely in major need of someone to talk to in order to save my sanity and provide insight. Then I said “I know that You are there all the time, but I really do thank You for providing a person for me to talk to each day because it’s just so hard sometimes since You’re not tangibly here in front of me.”

Then I realized something that might sound completely elementary to most people, but it is the truth of Christmas: Jesus Christ was a human just like us. He grew up and went to school and worked each day and felt the things that we feel in our hearts each day – grief, happiness, sorrow, excitement, love, separation, joy! I think it’s so hard to imagine that the unseen Jesus that we pray to once lived here on this earth; I feel like many times it’s so unimaginable that we don’t even try to understand it or think about what it might have been like. Jesus was sent to die for us, and along the way He experienced what it’s like to live on this crazy earth…life with emotions and uncertainty and questioning.

With that said, I definitely believe that He knows how I’m feeling and what I need on a daily basis. I feel like I got a small taste of the importance of Christmas in the car last night, and I am satisfied.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

out of control.

my life is out of control right now, in the sense that i am not IN control of anything. i think that's a good thing, and the way it's supposed to be right now, but i'm not gonna' lie, it scares me to death.

i'm used to being in control of most things in life and semi- knowing what lies ahead for me. right now? not so much.

there's so much that i could say about it, but basically, i just feel like i have no idea where i'm headed in any area of my life and i have to totally trust that God is leading me in the right direction regardless of myself. i feel like i'm just blindly handing it all over and that's really hard.

i definitely think i'm supposed to be learning trust and patience right now. trust in God and in man...patience, as in not scrambling to put my own life together for fear that i'm WAY behind everyone else and letting God have control of those areas of my life that i struggle to have faith in.

with Christmas just around the corner, this is very hard for me because it brings an uneasy feeling to a season where i would normally feel completely "whole" and warm and fuzzy. but i am learning a lot and this Christmas could just be the most real i've experienced thus far.