fall on your knees

**This is going to be very “stream of consciousness,” so please bear with me…I promise there’s a point.**

I should really start praying and thinking more in the car rather than listening to my bangin’ rap and pop music that’s going to cause total hearing loss before I’m 30.

(although I do love my bangin’ music…)

Last night as I drove the 40-minute drive back from Cameron Village from dinner with a wonderful friend of mine, I decided that I was not going to listen to my music for a change and talk to God. When I’m in the car by myself and praying, I talk out loud, usually pretty intensely depending on the conversation, but let’s face it: at this point of uncertainty in my life, it’s mostly pretty intense. It’s very cathartic.

So many times in my life, I feel like a “baby Christian,” because I need and ask for so much from God – affirmation, comfort, joy, wisdom, strength – and that’s all in a day’s work. I find myself praying for such specific things, most of which the average person might consider small and insignificant. But they are things I need…simple things that show me that I’m on the right path, even when I feel like I’m walking blindly. I think that I tend to beat myself up for this because I feel like I should be more “mature” in my faith or to the point where I don’t pray about everyday, “petty” little things like “God, please somehow keep me busy for the next hour” so I don’t get too upset about life. But I’ve decided that it doesn’t matter what you pray about because the big man wants to hear it all. He already knows it, but He would rather hear it from you than just do the supernatural thing.
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Have you ever had one of those moments in life where everything makes sense? I have them every once in awhile and some of them are a lot greater and more defined than others.

There was the time when I was telling Katie Beck about my 3rd grade school picture when I sported my jingle bell necklace, when suddenly I realized that I definitely was born with Christmas spirit; it’s not something that came with age and appreciation.

Then there was the vivid time in my car my junior year when I told God that if He wanted me to live a risky & uncertain but loving & fulfilling life, He had my permission (as if He needed that, but I think it was the time where I decided to surrender my idealistic view of what lay ahead of me).

There was also last fall at Thanksgiving, when my mom asked me to speak to the children at her church about growing up with arthritis and encourage them about the times when they feel ‘different’ from everyone else. It wasn’t until mom was introducing me with a story about the time when I was in a coma that I realized that I am the reason my mom’s vocation changed from nursing to children’s ministry, because my parents don’t tell me these things. I guess they don’t want to make me feel bad about how hard it is when I was small, but I informed them that I would really like to know, so they’re getting better about it.

Last night was another one of those revelation nights. I was praying and rattling off all the people in my life who I’m thankful for and why, praying for each one of them in their specific situations. Because last year was such an odd year compared to what I thought it would be, I was blessed to have Lindsay in the next room, who was always there to listen to and encourage me each day. I also had Katie and Clayton, who were always there to provide support and love, along with major entertainment and uncontrollable laughter when things weren’t going so well and unbridled joy when things were fantastic. And if for some reason both of them weren’t there at the same time, at least one was always by my side. That’s just how it was. And I got spoiled.
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So, as you can imagine, life after college has been a real shock for me. And so, last night as I was praying for and about Melinda, I thanked God for allowing things to work out so that we could live together, even though we work at least 40 minutes apart. I have no doubt that God knew I was not fit to live alone this year, and that I am definitely in major need of someone to talk to in order to save my sanity and provide insight. Then I said “I know that You are there all the time, but I really do thank You for providing a person for me to talk to each day because it’s just so hard sometimes since You’re not tangibly here in front of me.”

Then I realized something that might sound completely elementary to most people, but it is the truth of Christmas: Jesus Christ was a human just like us. He grew up and went to school and worked each day and felt the things that we feel in our hearts each day – grief, happiness, sorrow, excitement, love, separation, joy! I think it’s so hard to imagine that the unseen Jesus that we pray to once lived here on this earth; I feel like many times it’s so unimaginable that we don’t even try to understand it or think about what it might have been like. Jesus was sent to die for us, and along the way He experienced what it’s like to live on this crazy earth…life with emotions and uncertainty and questioning.

With that said, I definitely believe that He knows how I’m feeling and what I need on a daily basis. I feel like I got a small taste of the importance of Christmas in the car last night, and I am satisfied.

out of control.

my life is out of control right now, in the sense that i am not IN control of anything. i think that's a good thing, and the way it's supposed to be right now, but i'm not gonna' lie, it scares me to death.

i'm used to being in control of most things in life and semi- knowing what lies ahead for me. right now? not so much.

there's so much that i could say about it, but basically, i just feel like i have no idea where i'm headed in any area of my life and i have to totally trust that God is leading me in the right direction regardless of myself. i feel like i'm just blindly handing it all over and that's really hard.

i definitely think i'm supposed to be learning trust and patience right now. trust in God and in man...patience, as in not scrambling to put my own life together for fear that i'm WAY behind everyone else and letting God have control of those areas of my life that i struggle to have faith in.

with Christmas just around the corner, this is very hard for me because it brings an uneasy feeling to a season where i would normally feel completely "whole" and warm and fuzzy. but i am learning a lot and this Christmas could just be the most real i've experienced thus far.

i lovelovelove homecoming!

even if it is only a saturday event for me this year :)

behind the melody, the words don't mean a thing

a few thoughts for this week from my introspective self:

• i really enjoy watching people do what they love. toni-lyn came to stay with melinda and i on saturday night, so we went with her to see the "like a love affair" show at cafe decor and more, a coffee shop on main street. ryan jernigan plays guitar and sings lead vocals, and i can't tell you how much i loved watching him do something he loves. i don't even know ryan all that well, but we've had a few really good converstations (one in goodyear a couple years ago when ryan had just come back from touring with another band) and i do like it when we run into each other. and, to be honest, "like a love affair" would probably not be something that i would listen to on a regular basis, but i had a great time at the show because i do appreciate the music and especially the apparent passion the band had about their music.

• it's funny how weather effects me. i don't mean my "mood" necessarily, but how it effects what i want to do during the day. when it's rainy, i always want to stay in and watch a movie or curl up in a blanket and fall asleep watching tv and drinking hot chocolate. when it's sunny, i'm ready to go out and exercise, do random things like thrift store shopping or university photo shoots. i was sitting outside today before jeanna came to get me for lunch, thinking about how this overcast day makes me want to relax and chill, whether it be just going out and having dinner and a movie, or staying in and getting things together in the apartment before bedtime. it's not because the weather puts me in a "good" or "bad" mood, it's just that it really effects what i think i should do after i get off work at 5pm. i know this is probably something that everyone has already thought about, but i think it's pretty amazing how the condition of the sky effects my productivity and choice of activities each day!

• i'm old. okay, i'm not really old, but i feel old. i come to work each day, do some type of dinner, hang out for a bit and head to bed. that's it! no more surprises really...just a pretty routine schedule. but THAT is not why i feel old. i feel old because i'm OKAY with that. i enjoy the routine....i want to relax at night instead of being crazy busy....i want to come home and talk to the same few people everyday about life to get their insight and to hear about their days....and this, my friends, means i'm not in college anymore. i'm not into being overwhelmed and busy; i don't crave drama and excitement like i used to....and i don't care what anybody says, we all through that stage in life where we crave drama -- maybe not consciously -- but everyone wants to be in the middle of things and have something to talk about and someone to talk about. to me, this is a nice and semi-hilarious pasttime, but certainly not something that i feel i will ever want to be a part of again. thank goodness.

• i've been thinking a lot about something we discussed in our home fellowship 3 weeks ago: God created us in His image. this means we were created to dominate and have domain on the earth. in a sinless world, this would be absolute perfection. but because we are sinful creatures, this dominant tendency gets the best of us most (all) of the time. i don't know about anyone else, but i honestly let out a sigh of relief when i realized that i was created to dominate. it really does explain a lot of my tendencies and struggles...and why i always feel like i need to be in control of my life. now, that doesn't mean i can just let it go b/c "i was created that way," but at least i realize that God knows why i am the way i am because HE is that way, and that i can work through it with His help. this also explains why God is so attractive to most people (whether they believe in Him or not, they are drawn to the idea and intrigued). we are attracted to dominant people! if i could dominate God, i would just take care of myself! but i can't, so i am absolutely in awe of him. it's the same way with people that we are romantically attracted to, or even just attracted to as friends. everyone i know that i am completely attracted to (in any way, shape or form) has something or does something that totally dumbfounds me because i can't do it myself. i think that's really interesting. and i hope it makes sense to anyone else when i say it out loud (or on here..haha).

• i LOVE working with my students at work. and we're going on a field trip on monday to las brisas! seriously, i loooove them; they're awesome & they make my day!

ANYWAY, it's fall break this week for the students so we get friday off! lindsay, nick, justine and i are headed to my house to see my DOMINATING brother (awesome photo from the paper below) play football and chill out for the weekend and i'm excited! my parents and brother are also coming here the next weekend for homecoming so that my little brother can escort me at the game!! my favorite time of the year and really the last time i get to "participate."

one more fyi: campbell beat the #3-ranked UNC Tarheels Men's Soccer team last night 1-0 in a non-conference game. that's what i'm talking about. bleed orange, people. bleed orange.

for starters...

can you even begin to imagine the desperation people must have felt before Jesus walked the earth and was sacrificed? so many rules and regulations, specific procedures to follow, and no real hope that this would ever change. if you weren't royalty, there was really nothing exciting in life...the same thing day in and day out. and if you were, i believe there was a feeling deep inside that there was no point to all that you were doing. i think everyone has that type of feeling until they know Christ. i do think "weariness" is such a great word for what people must have felt.

the only thing that i can see that helped people to carry on was that small inkling of hope given to them by the prophets that there might actually be a Savior coming to change their lives, without any real understanding of quite how incredible that change would be. i mean, honestly, how could you even conceive of the fact that one person could come to earth in the flesh and be sacrificed so that rules, regulations, legalism, the curtain, etc. could all be done away with when those are the only things you've ever known? to me, that must have been absolutely incredible.

this is why my favorite (Christmas) song is "o holy night"...really my favorite song ever.

long lay the world,
in sin and error pining,
'til He appeared & the soul felt it's worth

the thrill of hope,
the weary world rejoices,
for yonder breaks a new & glorious morn.

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in other news, i am really excited about the change of seasons. the weather is absolutely beautiful this week and i am so excited to be getting into the fall (which is pretty unusual if you know me)

this is quite a step for me, since i really do loathe the cold weather and i have seriously considered relocating to a place where there is no fall or winter, just warmth. but this year i think i have changed my mind...i don't think i could do without fall.

i simply LOVE the thought of lindsay's warm mountain apple cider, the state fair, hayrides and pumpkins, coming in at night and drinking hot chocolate to warm up, homecoming and sweaters and scarfs.
i think it's romantic.

anyway, i was just thinking about that first part of the entry and couldn't wait to write it. i'll update more later!

wow!

lots on my mind.

i need to update. and i will. soon.

talk to me,

not about me. please.

the tongue is like a sharp knife for sure...

finally, i have a job.

bet you'll never guess where.

i do start monday though, so get excited!

just for my recruiter

this blog isn't necessarily abandoned, it's just at a standstill, much like my life.

i don't really have anything cool to say about what i'm doing or anything...i sleep all the time and go to the pool and do my scrapbook, mixed in with hanging out with some friends. but i'm BORED and i need to start doing something a.s.a.p.

i am excited about the possibilities that i have -- i could possibly be teaching in the fall, or i could be coordinating parties and weddings at a country club in charlotte, or who knows what else. i'm just waiting for things to fall in to place (or, mainly, to see what the state says about me teaching...)

i'll tell you what i AM excited about...going to buies creek this weekend and to greensboro next weekend for chad & alicia's wedding and then to emerald isle for a week! THAT, my friends, is exciting.

2 weeks until i graduate.

wowsville. (haha)

Your Power Color Is Gold

At Your Highest: You are engrossed in passions that mentally stimulate you. At Your Lowest: You seek thrills and neglect what's important in your life. In Love: You see dating as adventure and approach it with an open attitude. How You're Attractive: You passion for life makes others passionate about you. Your Eternal Question: "Am I Having Fun?"

What's Your Power Color?

i have four weeks of college left.

there are almost exactly five weeks until graduation.

i hope that i can spend as much time with people as possible. suddenly priorities have changes for me, but i think they have for other people to and i don't know what to do about that.

most days, i am so torn about how to feel. i am SO ready to be out of here, yet uncertain about so many things. quarterlife crisis, i guess.

in our Bible study on wednesday, melinda brought up the fact that you don't hear much about "miracles" these days.

i think we miss so many miracles because a) we don't show weakness or b) we're not real with people.

i feel like there aren't many people that i can be totally real with (and vice versa) right now and i think that's been my problem this semester.

but i am SO thankful for those of you i am that close to and who feel comfortable enough to be real with me. i wish all of my relationships could be this way.

i think that's it...i'm just thinking out loud here...

my weekend in pictures...

me and the fam at my grandparents 65th wedding anniversary dinner on friday night


katie, linds and me before formal


me and clayton with an original photo op


king ryan & me


princess gretchen & me


me and my princely date clayton

my life is brilliant

i love my life.

it might be ridiculously busy.
i might get no sleep. ever.
that might be because i stay up really late talking with really great people for no reason.
or because i run myself ragged thinking about campbell university and how to make it better.
or because i'm applying for jobs since i have no time to do that during the day.

but i don't really care.
it's worth it.
honestly.

God's timing is perfect.

happy valentine's day!

i looooove you.

let's go CAMELS

only two games left in the season and i will be in BOSTON during the last one...

yes, BOSTON. i'm not too sad i guess...

one of my favorite pictures that will soon be commemorative:



and congratulations to jeanna and dan...i LOVE, love, LOVE you both! :)

just for you, TSP

Three Names You Go By: 1. Michelle 2. Sunshine 3. "Dictator," apparently

Three Things That Scare You: 1. The freakin' Exorcism of Emily Rose 2. trying to find health insurance 3. the terrorists on 24 (good thing there's JACK BAUER.)

Three of Your Everyday Essentials: 1. Chapstick 2. a few spritzs of Victoria's Secret "Very Sexy" perfume, which is definitely "the Michelle signature scent" these days 3. Email, Cell Phone, FACEBOOK

Three Things You Are Wearing Right Now: 1. my giant bling ring on my left middle finger 2. polka-dot suit jacket 3. flip-flops, since i THOUGHT it was warm outside today

Three of Your Favorite Drinks: 1. Chick-fil-A Sweet Tea with a squirt of Lemonade 2. Coke 3. Cherry-Lemon Sundrop (not found in many gas stations these days)

Three of Your Favorite Songs - at the moment: 1. "Banana Pancakes," Jack Johnson 2. "Addicted," Kelly Clarkson 3. "Bebot," Black Eyed Peas

Three Things You Want in a Relationship (other than Real Love): 1. Communication 2. Solid Friendship 3. Stomach -hurting Laughter

Two Truths and a Lie: 1. I have two different-sized arms. 2. I have three steel joints. 3. I'm really normal.

Three of Your Favorite Hobbies: 1. Writing (which I've decided to do at least a little of every day to compile my book) 2. Singing really loud in my car to the point that I lose my voice 3. Giving myself way too much to do, so that I have no time for so-called "hobbies"

Three Things You want to do really badly right now: 1. Sleep 2. Go on a cruise 3. Get a job as a speaking, writing, event planning extraordinaire

Three Places You Want to go on Vacation: 1. The FL Keys 2. Hawaii 3. Cali

Three Things You Want to Do Before You Die: 1. Adopt a child. 2. Publish a book. 3. Coordinate some huge music fesitval.

Three Ways that you are stereotypically a Chick/Guy: 1. I own about 35 pairs of HUGE earrings. 2. I squeal at cute hats in the mall. 3. I cry at EVERYTHING, especially if it makes me happy! (i.e. - television shows, when I get in the car after a good conversation, etc...it's absolutely ridiculous)

Three people I would like to see take this quiz: 1. Katie Tibbitts (always a provider of non-average answers) 2. The Grate Gatsby (see Katie Tibbitts description) 3. Word (see 1 & 2)

time is going very quickly for me...

whew.

i promise i'll update this soon. promise.