why do we have emotions??

any takers? i'm plumb out of answers for that question.

maybe, instead of trying so hard to learn more about MYSELF,

i should try to learn more about GOD.*

by doing that, i would (hopefully) learn more about myself anyway, since i was (gracefully) made in His image.



*note: by the way, why isn't this an easy concept, since we have something in print to teach us about God. there's nothing in print to teach me about myself. at least i hope not.



i've heard about "meditating on God" and "on God's Word" for my whole life. i am so thankful for finally learning how important that is, even if i'm learning in little bits and pieces.

even if you don't have a Bible with you, talk to God and meditate with God. things will come to you like they never have before, and that's because it's not you.

"but He said to me,
'My grace is sufficient for you,
for My power is made perfect in weakness.'

therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses,
so that Christ's power may rest on me.

that is why, for Christ's sake,
i delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships,
in persecutions, in difficulties.
for when I am weak, then I am strong."

.2 corinthians 12:9-10.

la vita e bella

i've just finished off a really weird week.

now, i have had some WEIRD weeks in my life, but this one has been particularly interesting in a number of situations that have really already taught me a lot about myself and life in general.

i found out on saturday that linda talley, wife of my pastor brad at grace, has an inoperable brain tumor. they found out saturday after linda had been feeling dizzy and light-headed for the week prior.

we found out today that it is malignant and is actually a very aggressive form of cancer, leaving her with radiation as her only option, and an estimated 2-3 months.

i just cannot imagine what that is like. today we got an email saying they were going to break the news slowly to her over the next few days...then later in the day, we received one saying "linda wants to live, but she is resting in God's decision. she believes that He has the best plans for her."

linds and i talked about this yesterday for awhile, and i really think that the reason it upsets me so much is for brad. of course i'm upset for linda and that she has to go through this and the treatments, etc. but to be honest, i think i would rather be linda than brad right now...i would rather be the one thinking about leaving than thinking about being left here.

i could go on forever about all the things i am already realizing from this whole situation and i am just ONE person! i am SO thankful for the connection i have to grace this year...i don't think i have ever really felt a "burden" for someone else like i feel for brad and linda. i know it's not nearly what they're feeling, but i have never wept over anyone outside of my family before and that connection amazes me. what a blessing my home fellowship & grace have been in my life.

i also realize that i have no concept of what God can do with a situation like this...who it will reach, who it will inspire, who it will touch. i have NO concept. i know this b/c even when i catch a little glimpse, i am overwhelmed. thank goodness God doesn't reveal things to us all at once; i am too weak to handle even small servings.

i can also see the importance of the person you choose to spend your life with. of COURSE, it's not something i've ever taken lightly or anything, but we get so caught up in the hear and now...and in things that really don't matter...constant attention, good looks, the way a person makes you "feel all giddy inside." i am certain that when brad and linda decided to get married, they had NO idea that linda would NEED brad in her life for this specific situation. he is just who she needs to encourage, strengthen and love her, and she is just what he neesd right now too. i have to believe that God will do the same for me. give me faith in someone who will be exactly what i need. i have no basis for making that decision right now b/c i don't know what the future holds, so i am thankful that i can let God make that decision clear for me.

there are so many more things i could say, but right now i am completely overwhelmed. just two weeks ago at home fellowship, linda and i talked through dinner, discussing my arthritis and everything that came with it. she felt awful that she never knew before, and i told her it's something i don't really realize that most people don't know about, b/c for so many years of my life, it was much more obvious than it is now. she and i discussed treatments and diets and she gave me recommendations for those things...she was so concerned about my life and really understanding everything about my condition. i am especially thankful for that conversation.

a very close "friend" of mine reminded me today that this is not over. there is hope for linda, b/c this is just prognosis and frankly, b/c of God. we can pray and weep and study together and see if God wills that linda make it through this. there is definitely hope, so i don't want to sound like it's finished. i KNOW it's not in more ways than one. but i have learned so much already, and at the expense of someone who is a constant and shining example of God's love and grace.

i'm sure i'll have more to say tonight after home fellowship...

james 4:13-15:

13Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." 14Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."

read the whole chapter...it's good.