and i think i read the best description today of WHY i can't keep up with anything these days:
What is fatigue in rheumatoid arthritis?
It's easier for people to think of joints as causing problems than to think of fatigue and the other intangible things that give RA patients trouble. That's because fatigue is not something you can put your finger on. It's a sense that you're not feeling up to par, that you're slowing down. Nothing else may be wrong that's obvious to you or your physician. You may or may not have joint pain or stiffness at that moment. But the fatigue is there.
Patients sometimes compare the fatigue of RA to recuperating from the flu - as if they're trying to keep up and can't do it. But that's not quite all of it. There's something more that's hard to define. The fatigue of having a systemic rheumatic disease is unique and can be very difficult for patients and those around them.
When people ask, "How are you?" and you say, "I'm fatigued," they ask, "What do you mean?" Well, it's not just being tired or feeling that you want to sit still. It's something deep inside that's slowing you down - maybe slowing your thinking or initiative. It's something telling you that you don't feel quite right.
Can RA fatigue be measured?
So far, no. It's an intangible symptom that, despite great effort, physicians have been unable to define nor measure. Nor can we determine its impact, which varies from patient to patient - and varies in its impact on any one patient over time. But enough people have complained about fatigue over time that we know - and you know - it's real.
Why is fatigue so difficult to cope with?
It might be easier to have a disabling condition that happens and then is stable; it stays the same, and you develop coping mechanisms to deal with it because you know what to expect and people around you know what to expect.
But that's not the way RA works. Big fluctuations occur randomly. One day you feel fantastic and can do everything you and others expect of you. The next day you can't even get out of bed. And every time that happens, you have to reestablish your coping mechanisms - both functional (who will prepare the meals, take care of the family, etc.) and psychological (how do I get through this with my feelings intact).
It's often easier to get through those fluctuations when you can pinpoint the problem - "These knees are swollen and painful" - than when the problem is as intangible as fatigue, which can occur in the absence of physical symptoms. Fatigue can be "hard to believe," especially when you've been feeling so well just before it hits. So, all too often, because you can't "see" it, you belittle fatigue. "Is it that I did too much yesterday or didn't get enough sleep last night, or is it my disease acting up again? And if it is my disease, do I really want to acknowledge that? Can I ignore it, push it aside and just keep going?" And that's exactly what you sometimes do - push it aside in order to feel like the person you were before you got this disease. Acknowledging the fatigue, and responding to this intangible sign of disease, is difficult - but essential.
(you can read more here)
___________
all in all, i'm feeling very overwhelmed these days. i am trying to stay positive, but it's very hard to PLAN or COMMIT to even small things in life when you don't know how you will be feeling hour to hour. i have been experiencing extreme fatigue (also resulting in forgetfulness) for over a year now and i can't figure out how to manage it!
for a person like myself who is used to being independent and on top of things, and able to put in more than my "share" of responsibility and work, it wears on me that i feel like i let people down by not having any energy, not being able to help because i have to get in bed by 9:00 or forgetting to do big and small things that i told someone i would do! i am constantly feeling like i got 50 years older overnight. i feel lazy, unproductive and sometimes even unfriendly! it's just not a good feeling.
all of that to say, keep me in your prayers when you think of it! but it could be worse, most definitely, and i realize that. i am so thankful that i am able (for the most part) to function normally, keep a job, have wonderful friends and relationships and do really cool things! i am just learning how to combine these new developments with my lifestyle.
thanks in advance :)
Monday, October 26, 2009
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
works-based faith
interesting quote i read on a blog i just started reading today:
thoughts?
“Every last one of us has a natural propensity toward works righteousness. All of us desire to save ourselves. We love Jesus, and we’re grateful to Jesus for dying on the cross for us… and that was real cool… thank you, Jesus. However, what we really want to do is; we want to find some things that the bible tells us to do and we want to do it either out of fear or pride. If it’s out of fear, we’re going: “see God, I did this… did you see that? I really hope it’s good enough for you… I really do.” That’s the kind of person where every negative thing in life that happens to you, you’re sure it’s because you weren’t good enough. Let me just put a footnote here… something goes wrong in your life and you immediately start going and looking for what you did wrong to deserve it? Here’s the problem with that kind of thinking: that means that you actually think that you were worthy of the goodness that you received before. Help you if you think that! So if it’s not out of fear then it’s out of pride, and here’s the pride part: pride says: “I went to the bible, I found what I needed to do, and I did it.” So you can come into heaven, walk through the gates and say “I am pleased that Christ died on the cross for me. Here are the works that I have added to make His sacrifice sufficient.” - Voddie Baucom
thoughts?
Monday, June 29, 2009
announcement!
SPECIAL FRIENDS & FAMILY OFFER!
saturday, july 11 and sunday, july 12
1-hour photo session
$75.00
includes 1-hour session anywhere within a 20-mile radius of uptown Charlotte and 25 edited digital photographs on CD which can be used to order prints through any photo processing service!
(perfect for family shoots, couples, engagements, bridals, babies, kids, friends, headshots, artists/bands, pets, special events…be creative!)
~
contact michelle efird at rmefird@gmail.com for more details or to arrange a session!
Monday, June 22, 2009
i need to vent.
...about healthcare/insurance/doctors in general.
i know i am extrapalating the evidence here, but i have to think it's more general than specific unfortunately...
i left messages for my doctor twice on thursday from the beach because i'm having skin reactions to the sun, and let them know that i had stopped my medicine and needed a new prescription asap. my mom said it was probably from my medication. we got online wednesday night and google told me that you can have skin discoloration side effects from taking anti-inflamatory drugs.
i heard nothing from the 'ol doc on thursday or friday, so i called back at lunch on friday to find out that they closed at noon. happy weekend with no medication!
(no medicine + damaged 85-year-old bones = 85-year-old michelle)
the nurse called back this morning with no explanation or apology for not returning my call, and told me they had called in a pain medication for me. an analgesic medication...and that the doctor said "it might make you a little loopy, just fyi."
i asked her about 10 other relevant questions that she had no answer to, or to which she said things like "yeah i think so...yeah he probably meant this or that...well, just try it and see what happens and if you can't take it, we'll figure something else out."
____________
i spend more on healthcare every year than on anything else i've ever paid for in my life (besides taxes, but that's a blog for another day).
my family has probably paid for countless doctor's houses, beach houses, lakehouses, their kid's college education, etc. because i am constantly in and out of doctors and specialist's offices, getting charged left and right for "an opinion," be it 1st or 2nd or 10th. not to mention the RIDICULOUS costs of surgery. (also another blog)
it is ridiculous that a nurse can't call me back when i'm calling from my only summer vacation because i need medication.
it's also ridiculous that a doctor can't pick up the phone and spend 10 minutes paying attention to my needs.
and it's ridiculous that i constantly feel like the only way to get ANY attention (and still, very little) is to actually make an appointment to get face time, which i refuse to do since i will then be charged for a complete doctor's visit because i took 10 minutes of his time, while he took an hour and a half of mine while i (im)patiently waited and read the may 2008 issue of people magazine.
i think i am just sick of spending time and energy (and money) on this because there are SO many other things i would rather be doing!
and i just needed to vent. my apologies.
i know i am extrapalating the evidence here, but i have to think it's more general than specific unfortunately...
i left messages for my doctor twice on thursday from the beach because i'm having skin reactions to the sun, and let them know that i had stopped my medicine and needed a new prescription asap. my mom said it was probably from my medication. we got online wednesday night and google told me that you can have skin discoloration side effects from taking anti-inflamatory drugs.
i heard nothing from the 'ol doc on thursday or friday, so i called back at lunch on friday to find out that they closed at noon. happy weekend with no medication!
(no medicine + damaged 85-year-old bones = 85-year-old michelle)
the nurse called back this morning with no explanation or apology for not returning my call, and told me they had called in a pain medication for me. an analgesic medication...and that the doctor said "it might make you a little loopy, just fyi."
i asked her about 10 other relevant questions that she had no answer to, or to which she said things like "yeah i think so...yeah he probably meant this or that...well, just try it and see what happens and if you can't take it, we'll figure something else out."
____________
i spend more on healthcare every year than on anything else i've ever paid for in my life (besides taxes, but that's a blog for another day).
my family has probably paid for countless doctor's houses, beach houses, lakehouses, their kid's college education, etc. because i am constantly in and out of doctors and specialist's offices, getting charged left and right for "an opinion," be it 1st or 2nd or 10th. not to mention the RIDICULOUS costs of surgery. (also another blog)
it is ridiculous that a nurse can't call me back when i'm calling from my only summer vacation because i need medication.
it's also ridiculous that a doctor can't pick up the phone and spend 10 minutes paying attention to my needs.
and it's ridiculous that i constantly feel like the only way to get ANY attention (and still, very little) is to actually make an appointment to get face time, which i refuse to do since i will then be charged for a complete doctor's visit because i took 10 minutes of his time, while he took an hour and a half of mine while i (im)patiently waited and read the may 2008 issue of people magazine.
i think i am just sick of spending time and energy (and money) on this because there are SO many other things i would rather be doing!
and i just needed to vent. my apologies.
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
home for hope benefit concert
just fyi...mark your calendars...
Come join us for a night of music & worship with recording artist, Christa Wells and Verne Phifer, Praise & Worship Leader at Hickory Grove Baptist Church, and learn what God is doing in the lives of women through the ministries Lois’ Lodge in NC and Deborah House in Ethiopia
CD Release Party for Christa Wells, 2006 Gospel Music Association Songwriter of The Year for her song ‘Held’, sung by Natalie Grant
Friday, August 14, 2009
7:00pm - 10:00pm
FREE ADMISSION
Steele Creek Church of Charlotte
1929 W. Arrowood Road
Charlotte, NC
Hosted by SIM USA (located in Charlotte)
...more info to come!
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
if anyone could do it,
she could!
this is my best friend from middle school! when she requested my friendship on facebook last year, i almost denied it because that wasn't her name when we used to do spice girl videos & buy glitter eye shadow at carolina place but luckily i clicked on her picture! i am so proud of her...she always wanted to be a singer so she moved out to L.A. and she is making it!
p.s. - i give m(on)i(c)a all the credit for my love of fiona apple & awesome girl music overall. :)
congrats to my friend across the country! buy her music! her new cd will be coming out soon too!
this is my best friend from middle school! when she requested my friendship on facebook last year, i almost denied it because that wasn't her name when we used to do spice girl videos & buy glitter eye shadow at carolina place but luckily i clicked on her picture! i am so proud of her...she always wanted to be a singer so she moved out to L.A. and she is making it!
p.s. - i give m(on)i(c)a all the credit for my love of fiona apple & awesome girl music overall. :)
congrats to my friend across the country! buy her music! her new cd will be coming out soon too!
Thursday, May 07, 2009
one day at a time
my wonderful friend katie gave me a bracelet that i wear everyday - it's simple thin, silver cuff bracelet and on the inside is inscribed "ONE DAY AT A TIME." she gave it to me a few years back when i was looking for a new job (while working at campbell) and i literally wore the thing out - she actually had to bring me a new one this past december for my birthday because i broke the thing in half one day! too many times pulling it off and putting it back on! i also noticed that i am wearing it in every picture of me since then...this bracelet is no joke, it has changed my focus for everyday life!
all that to say, the "one day at a time" concept is something i constantly have to work on (as far as not being overwhelmed is concerned). don't get me wrong, i realize there is a great purpose to having a long-term vision and focus, but for me personally, i want to be able to grasp the truths and harsh realities of the world and be able to move forward with a plan without wasting time being frozen by hurt/worry/upset. the point is, when you have faith in a God that knows the deal, is with you everyday and has perfect timing, you are able to take things one day at a time with good faith (and without scrambling to MAKE things happen).
that being said, there are so many incredible things happening in my life lately...i have truly been overwhelmed to tears a number of times realizing how often i've tried to take the lead in this waltz with the Lord, and end up tripping over my own feet, when all He wants is for me to follow His lead and listen for/feel His guidance and follow.
_____________
i was telling someone the other day that it's surreal and very humbling when you come to those moments in your life where it is (again) confirmed that God is sovereign and He has a plan for your life and that there were no "pointless" moments that He did not at least incorporate into that plan, even if they weren't the preferred route. for the last few years of my life, i've felt often that i am spinning my wheels and that things were happening that made absolutely no sense in the grand scheme of things (as if i know what that means). i don't think God faults us for our thinking because we are, after all, human but i do think He wants us to allow it to be transformed. He does this slowly and progressively with these moments where He says quietly or very loudly "I have never forgotten about you...it's just not possible...you're my kid!"
_____________
michelle's updates/highlights (ha!):
all that to say, the "one day at a time" concept is something i constantly have to work on (as far as not being overwhelmed is concerned). don't get me wrong, i realize there is a great purpose to having a long-term vision and focus, but for me personally, i want to be able to grasp the truths and harsh realities of the world and be able to move forward with a plan without wasting time being frozen by hurt/worry/upset. the point is, when you have faith in a God that knows the deal, is with you everyday and has perfect timing, you are able to take things one day at a time with good faith (and without scrambling to MAKE things happen).
that being said, there are so many incredible things happening in my life lately...i have truly been overwhelmed to tears a number of times realizing how often i've tried to take the lead in this waltz with the Lord, and end up tripping over my own feet, when all He wants is for me to follow His lead and listen for/feel His guidance and follow.
_____________
i was telling someone the other day that it's surreal and very humbling when you come to those moments in your life where it is (again) confirmed that God is sovereign and He has a plan for your life and that there were no "pointless" moments that He did not at least incorporate into that plan, even if they weren't the preferred route. for the last few years of my life, i've felt often that i am spinning my wheels and that things were happening that made absolutely no sense in the grand scheme of things (as if i know what that means). i don't think God faults us for our thinking because we are, after all, human but i do think He wants us to allow it to be transformed. He does this slowly and progressively with these moments where He says quietly or very loudly "I have never forgotten about you...it's just not possible...you're my kid!"
_____________
michelle's updates/highlights (ha!):
- i am more than halfway through my "welcome" class at lake forest to become a ministry partner (a.k.a. member) and it has been such an awesome class - i am incredibly impressed with the foundations and purpose of the church, as well as the heart of the staff members i've heard from thus far and i am so excited about getting more involved and building relationships there. the first two weeks, mike talked about core concepts of Christianity & "who we are to God" and it was such a good reminder of simple Biblical truths that you overanalyze and make complicated when you've grown up in the church.
- i have also had the opportunity very recently to get involved with SIM, a missions organization with the US headquarters here in charlotte. it honestly makes me antsy to get my hands in there full force and work with them on all the different projects they have going on, so i am working on being patient! :) the people there are great and i am so looking forward to seeing what develops of that relationship!
- charlotteONE is one of the most inspiring, energetic organizations i've ever been a part of and i'm thankful i got into it this year - randomly enough, on the first week of my class at lake forest, dave hickman walked in the door (he's the ED of C1), so of course i intro'd myself to him and since then, have had the opportunity come up to work with the leadership team as the connections team lead. i am SO excited about the opportunity - it was an immediate "yes" reaction from me because of how much i believe this ministry is doing in the city of charlotte. if you live in charlotte & you haven't tried C1 yet, please let me know if you want to! i'll meet you outside on the steps! ;)
- i saw amos lee on tuesday. he was absolutely amaaaazing! beautiful pipes. (really, did i just say that?)
- my little girl is graduating on saturday!!!! haha....the one & only justine is graduating on saturday from campbell & i'm so every excited she has saved a "family ticket" for me to attend her graduation. she was a freshman during my senior year at campbell and i have seen her grow up, mature & come to know the Lord in a BIG way since then. happy graduation little mama!
- oh, if you haven't seen this video, get on it! (i hope it's as funny to you as it was to me...i actually cry-laughed.) "kittens inspired by kittens"
- i get to go to raleigh tomorrow and spend some time with me-linda!
more things to talk about soon but for now, that is all! oh, i've also added the link to donald miller's blog on my "amigos" column on the right - i debated on placement for the link, but i'm fairly certain that if i met donald miller, we would want to be friends, so i'm gonna go ahead and graduate him to "amigo" status!
~~~
be Thou my Wisdom & Thou my true Word; i ever with Thee, Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father & i Thy true son; Thou in me dwelling, and i with Thee one.
Friday, March 27, 2009
follow around a cutie...
...you get cute pictures!
here are some of the adorable photos from the shoot with the weir's last weekend...get more here!
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
caleb, adrienne & ben!
tomorrow i get to spend some time with these wonderful people, taking some photos for them to use in their overseas missions work!
i will share later, but if you're interested, please keep up with their efforts here! they are incredible people and i was blessed to have adrienne in my life in college...i will update on monday with pictures of their beautiful faces!
i will share later, but if you're interested, please keep up with their efforts here! they are incredible people and i was blessed to have adrienne in my life in college...i will update on monday with pictures of their beautiful faces!
me, val, adrienne, ashley & linds,
back in the good 'ol days in bryan hall...
watchin' the bachelorette,
making panthers superbowl shirts,
(obviously) making aprons & cooking for the girls,
saving the ladies from the lawn mower men in bryan beach!
GOOD times!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
photog
lookie here!
if you have anything coming up and would like some photos, let me know!
CU students graduating this spring, i can take some of you too since i'll be there!
if you have anything coming up and would like some photos, let me know!
CU students graduating this spring, i can take some of you too since i'll be there!
Thursday, March 05, 2009
as different as night & day (hmm...?!?)
1 peter 3:1-7
"wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.
your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes.
instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.
for this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. they were submissive to their own husbands, like sarah, who obeyed abraham and called him her master. you are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers."
______________
i need your wisdom on this, friends! let's get a little discussion started here. aaaaand, GO!
"wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.
your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes.
instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.
for this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. they were submissive to their own husbands, like sarah, who obeyed abraham and called him her master. you are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers."
______________
i need your wisdom on this, friends! let's get a little discussion started here. aaaaand, GO!
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
baby steps
last night i heard david johnson speak - he is the founder of "silent images," a nonprofit specializing in documentary photography to speak for those around the world.
it makes me very restless, antsy & (honestly) impatient when i hear someone speak and it is very clear that God has shown them their purpose in life and that they are right there in the middle of it. i don't think that i can really "do" anything to "find" my purpose in life and i know that God will reveal this to me at some point; i am confident in that. in the meantime, i do feel very strongly that i need to explore some of the things that "set my heart on fire" if you will...things that make passion well up inside of me...obviously these could definitely be things that, when explored, lead to the revelation of purpose.
_____________________________________
my cousin jamie has been in southern sudan since april 2008 (almost a whole year!) serving mainly in rumbek and living amongst the dinka people. i realized last night how uneducated i am about this part of the world (to include darfur) besides what jamie sends in her emails each month or so...so i am committing to learning and studying more about africa in general, but specifically sudan over the next year as my cousin dedicates her time and efforts to the people there.
if anyone has interest in learning more about jamie and her team, receiving their emails, reading their blog or even sponsoring them in any capacity, please let me know! also, here is a video highlighting the women that jamie works with everyday.
please pray for jamie & her team!
it makes me very restless, antsy & (honestly) impatient when i hear someone speak and it is very clear that God has shown them their purpose in life and that they are right there in the middle of it. i don't think that i can really "do" anything to "find" my purpose in life and i know that God will reveal this to me at some point; i am confident in that. in the meantime, i do feel very strongly that i need to explore some of the things that "set my heart on fire" if you will...things that make passion well up inside of me...obviously these could definitely be things that, when explored, lead to the revelation of purpose.
_____________________________________
my cousin jamie has been in southern sudan since april 2008 (almost a whole year!) serving mainly in rumbek and living amongst the dinka people. i realized last night how uneducated i am about this part of the world (to include darfur) besides what jamie sends in her emails each month or so...so i am committing to learning and studying more about africa in general, but specifically sudan over the next year as my cousin dedicates her time and efforts to the people there.
if anyone has interest in learning more about jamie and her team, receiving their emails, reading their blog or even sponsoring them in any capacity, please let me know! also, here is a video highlighting the women that jamie works with everyday.
please pray for jamie & her team!
jamie, paul & whitney (her teammate)
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
picture THIS
i am really, really antsy to get a photog business started...but there is so much patience required for me to get there!!
next week i have a shoot with melissa & tony at the beach so i'm excited about that & interested to see how it turns out!
but i need to buy an SLR, a new computer & photoshop in order to really start things up so i have to pray for patience everyday!
next week i have a shoot with melissa & tony at the beach so i'm excited about that & interested to see how it turns out!
but i need to buy an SLR, a new computer & photoshop in order to really start things up so i have to pray for patience everyday!
eek, it would be so much fun!
any advice/comments/suggestions/criticism is welcomed!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
we are family?
interesting thoughts i've read lately on the effects of "the family" and the way our political system works.
"capitalism thrives from the breakdown of the family"
...a.k.a. spending is out of control when people/lives are out of control...i think that's basically what this concept comes down to at it's simplest level
thoughts on this? i'm currently trying to begin to wrap my mind around how far this might go, but i'd like some of your thoughts on whether the government and the economy thrive, recede or stay the same as the concept of "family" becomes less and less stable in America.
"capitalism thrives from the breakdown of the family"
...a.k.a. spending is out of control when people/lives are out of control...i think that's basically what this concept comes down to at it's simplest level
thoughts on this? i'm currently trying to begin to wrap my mind around how far this might go, but i'd like some of your thoughts on whether the government and the economy thrive, recede or stay the same as the concept of "family" becomes less and less stable in America.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
we're not gonna' pay....
i'm going to see RENT on saturday & these two are in it...i can't WAIT!
"measure your life in love"
Friday, January 16, 2009
H is for Happy Birthday MELINDA!!!!!
i really wanted to get this mouse pad for melinda for her birthday:
or this one:
but alas, my creative thoughts came too late, as in yesterday.
melinda, maybe one day, this will appear as a random gift at your door, or at your wedding or even on your desk. you never know what i'm going to do! but i did want you to know that this was my best idea, and that you are getting the second best idea as your real gift this weekend. and for that, i am sorry.
but happy birthday to my wonderful, beautiful friend melinda! (even though it is next thursday) there are days of celebration to come...
or this one:but alas, my creative thoughts came too late, as in yesterday.melinda, maybe one day, this will appear as a random gift at your door, or at your wedding or even on your desk. you never know what i'm going to do! but i did want you to know that this was my best idea, and that you are getting the second best idea as your real gift this weekend. and for that, i am sorry.
but happy birthday to my wonderful, beautiful friend melinda! (even though it is next thursday) there are days of celebration to come...
Monday, January 12, 2009
http://www.charlotteobserver.com/597/story/467122.html
look like tony almeida is taking over the air space here in charlotte! i hope that means jack bauer will be showing up here shortly.
look like tony almeida is taking over the air space here in charlotte! i hope that means jack bauer will be showing up here shortly.
Thursday, January 08, 2009
it's not like He doesn't know already.
i'm tired.
of a lot of things.
but most of all, i am tired of pretending that i am okay with everything all the time, and that God doesn't know how crazy i really am inside my head.
...that i can't control my life.
...that it doesn't look like i want it to look.
...that i'm not where i thought i would be at 25.
....that i don't know what the point of everyday is.
...that i really try to do what God wants me to do and yet still find myself wondering what the point is half the time.
...that i don't yet have a clue where God wants me to fall into place in this whole "career" thing.
...that i am constantly wrestling with God over the romantic relationship aspect of my life and i realize more and more than frankly, i have very little faith and trust that God has a plan for me that involves joy and love.
these things break my heart, they literally break my heart. so much that i weep fairly often these days.
i have been having a tough time lately and trying to continue on the path even though i don't see any fruits. i find myself upset every night when i go to bed and waking up to the same feeling...and looking in the mirror at a person who probably wrestled herself all through the night and feels like she didn't sleep at all.
_______________________
i realized last night that i have an extremely hard time living in the present.
logically, it's the only place to be! emotionally, it's extremely hard and i think this is probably prevalent in female minds. i think about the past and the future all the time when making decisions. i find myself nostalgic for things of the past, hopeful that the future will look just like those times in my life and then i try to fit those pieces (and sometimes people) into my immediate life. this just isn't a realistic way to think about life! and yet, i find it so difficult to control my thoughts (which, in these cases, are mostly driven by emotion). and thus, these thoughts about my life weigh so heavily on my heart and in my mind that i find myself paralyzed, feeling lifeless and worthless (not in a lack of self-esteem way, but in the way that i feel like i am not doing anything positive because i'm so bogged down in my own head).
i write these things not for sympathy, i really don't. i know that i will get through this part of my life and i DO know that God is faithful. i also realize that the reason it's hard for me to trust God is that i (sadly) seem to think that His plan is not the best for me. i hate even admitting to that, but it's simply the truth sometimes.
the real reason i write this is because i'm fairly certain you can relate, at least on some level. i thought today "if i write this, i will probably read it in a week and think it's stupid and dramatic" but i reminded myself that i write to capture different times in my life when i'm in the thick of things. i also write so that, when i do come out of this valley, i will see God's faithfulness more clearly and that you will be able to see it too.
i also just want to be a real person. i am not a spiritual giant and i by no means have it altogether. i am as weak and crazy as they come. so, there you go, a little dose of michelle for the day. i could change my tune overnight and i wouldn't be surprised, but i wanted you to know where i am today....presently.
of a lot of things.
but most of all, i am tired of pretending that i am okay with everything all the time, and that God doesn't know how crazy i really am inside my head.
...that i can't control my life.
...that it doesn't look like i want it to look.
...that i'm not where i thought i would be at 25.
....that i don't know what the point of everyday is.
...that i really try to do what God wants me to do and yet still find myself wondering what the point is half the time.
...that i don't yet have a clue where God wants me to fall into place in this whole "career" thing.
...that i am constantly wrestling with God over the romantic relationship aspect of my life and i realize more and more than frankly, i have very little faith and trust that God has a plan for me that involves joy and love.
these things break my heart, they literally break my heart. so much that i weep fairly often these days.
i have been having a tough time lately and trying to continue on the path even though i don't see any fruits. i find myself upset every night when i go to bed and waking up to the same feeling...and looking in the mirror at a person who probably wrestled herself all through the night and feels like she didn't sleep at all.
_______________________
i realized last night that i have an extremely hard time living in the present.
logically, it's the only place to be! emotionally, it's extremely hard and i think this is probably prevalent in female minds. i think about the past and the future all the time when making decisions. i find myself nostalgic for things of the past, hopeful that the future will look just like those times in my life and then i try to fit those pieces (and sometimes people) into my immediate life. this just isn't a realistic way to think about life! and yet, i find it so difficult to control my thoughts (which, in these cases, are mostly driven by emotion). and thus, these thoughts about my life weigh so heavily on my heart and in my mind that i find myself paralyzed, feeling lifeless and worthless (not in a lack of self-esteem way, but in the way that i feel like i am not doing anything positive because i'm so bogged down in my own head).
i write these things not for sympathy, i really don't. i know that i will get through this part of my life and i DO know that God is faithful. i also realize that the reason it's hard for me to trust God is that i (sadly) seem to think that His plan is not the best for me. i hate even admitting to that, but it's simply the truth sometimes.
the real reason i write this is because i'm fairly certain you can relate, at least on some level. i thought today "if i write this, i will probably read it in a week and think it's stupid and dramatic" but i reminded myself that i write to capture different times in my life when i'm in the thick of things. i also write so that, when i do come out of this valley, i will see God's faithfulness more clearly and that you will be able to see it too.
i also just want to be a real person. i am not a spiritual giant and i by no means have it altogether. i am as weak and crazy as they come. so, there you go, a little dose of michelle for the day. i could change my tune overnight and i wouldn't be surprised, but i wanted you to know where i am today....presently.
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