i'm tired.
of a lot of things.
but most of all, i am tired of pretending that i am okay with everything all the time, and that God doesn't know how crazy i really am inside my head.
...that i can't control my life.
...that it doesn't look like i want it to look.
...that i'm not where i thought i would be at 25.
....that i don't know what the point of everyday is.
...that i really try to do what God wants me to do and yet still find myself wondering what the point is half the time.
...that i don't yet have a clue where God wants me to fall into place in this whole "career" thing.
...that i am constantly wrestling with God over the romantic relationship aspect of my life and i realize more and more than frankly, i have very little faith and trust that God has a plan for me that involves joy and love.
these things break my heart, they literally break my heart. so much that i weep fairly often these days.
i have been having a tough time lately and trying to continue on the path even though i don't see any fruits. i find myself upset every night when i go to bed and waking up to the same feeling...and looking in the mirror at a person who probably wrestled herself all through the night and feels like she didn't sleep at all.
_______________________
i realized last night that i have an extremely hard time living in the present.
logically, it's the only place to be! emotionally, it's extremely hard and i think this is probably prevalent in female minds. i think about the past and the future all the time when making decisions. i find myself nostalgic for things of the past, hopeful that the future will look just like those times in my life and then i try to fit those pieces (and sometimes people) into my immediate life. this just isn't a realistic way to think about life! and yet, i find it so difficult to control my thoughts (which, in these cases, are mostly driven by emotion). and thus, these thoughts about my life weigh so heavily on my heart and in my mind that i find myself paralyzed, feeling lifeless and worthless (not in a lack of self-esteem way, but in the way that i feel like i am not doing anything positive because i'm so bogged down in my own head).
i write these things not for sympathy, i really don't. i know that i will get through this part of my life and i DO know that God is faithful. i also realize that the reason it's hard for me to trust God is that i (sadly) seem to think that His plan is not the best for me. i hate even admitting to that, but it's simply the truth sometimes.
the real reason i write this is because i'm fairly certain you can relate, at least on some level. i thought today "if i write this, i will probably read it in a week and think it's stupid and dramatic" but i reminded myself that i write to capture different times in my life when i'm in the thick of things. i also write so that, when i do come out of this valley, i will see God's faithfulness more clearly and that you will be able to see it too.
i also just want to be a real person. i am not a spiritual giant and i by no means have it altogether. i am as weak and crazy as they come. so, there you go, a little dose of michelle for the day. i could change my tune overnight and i wouldn't be surprised, but i wanted you to know where i am today....presently.
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3 comments:
"i realize more and more than frankly, i have very little faith and trust that God has a plan for me that involves joy and love."
I found that statement really intriguing.
It seems like what you're experiencing is just general life at this point. Life is tough, sometimes you want to jump off a bridge sometimes you're feeling really fulfilled.
A lot of what you said was centered around expectations that are different from reality. You seem to blame God or yourself for this divergence.
It seems like you're experiencing a spiritual struggle. You're trying to connect your experience with what you've been told or believe about God. And you're finding that those explanations don't add up to what you thought they were supposed to.
I would encourage you to do some reading about how God works in our lives and what you should expect from him. I think that might help you a little bit with your struggle. Talk to friends and family about how they think God works in their life (i would love to have this discussion...I can also suggest some reading).
I feel the same way sometimes Miss Michelle, especially at the beginning of a new year when everyone is talking about resolutions and so on and so on. I'm not sure if it will help, but what I like to do is set out goals for myself jump started by a visualization of who I want to be a year (or ten years) from now. I picture that person and what they are like and then think about how I can get there. Surprisingly jobs and all that don't really come into the picture, it has more to do with the kind of person I am (kind, light-hearted, strong, quick to smile, quick to help). If you would like I would be glad to walk you through something like that. I did it with my best friend Jonathan on New Year's Eve and it was really nice. : ) Just let me know.
Trav Trav
P.S. I think you are pretty awesome. Just saying.
Wow, i completely relate to this! I however am 26 so I feel a little worse than you do, lol. I have no words of encouragement that can help you lift your head in this because in all honesty, I need words that would heal my heart, leaving me in the same position as you. But if anybody ever shares these encouraging words with you, be sure to send them my way! lol
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