a change would do you good.

why do we worry so much about our lives?!?

...what we look like everyday, what we're going to do this weekend, how much money we don't have to buy the things we want (notice i said want), etc.

especially when there are SO many other things in the world to worry about, mostly outside of this wonderful country we call america.

i think there are a number of reasons we still worry about ourselves, but probably mostly b/c we're ignorant to what's going on outside of our own little bubbles. and that's our own faults.

• have you ever heard of the "kimberley process," a joint agreement between government, civil society and the international diamond industry made to stem the flow of conflict diamonds (rough diamonds used my rebels in africa to finance way against their government)? you might have seen the movie "blood diamond" and came home saying "i don't even want a diamond now..." but that's not the point. fair diamond trade supports an estimated 10 million people globally, including the basis for much of the african government. be sure your diamonds are conflict free. when you buy conflict free diamonds, you could actually change someone's life in africa...for example, there are actually government-funded education and medical programs whose money comes solely from diamond trade.
• did you know that very recently, starbucks refused to negotiate trade agreements with ethiopia unless they agreed to play by starbucks' own terms? ethiopia filed last year to trademark three of their most famous coffees, allowing them to make more money off of their trade (an estimated 88 million more per year to be exact). this would also allow farmers to receive a greater share of the retail value, enabling better life in ethiopia. so what can you do? boycott starbucks?? i'm sure if YOU boycott starbucks, they will become open-minded and trade fairly...probably unrealistic. but maybe you could not go to the barista so often and save the $ you spend each month on coffee (maybe make it in your own kitchen??) and give that to an organization that does have the means to help intervene in this situation. (like oxfam international)

these are just two simple examples of things i have learned about very recently, which i've decided to actually look into and not just "protest" -- to actually find out what we can do to change things for the world.

when i start to read about these things and think about the blessings i have in my ABUNDANT life and the things i take for granted each day, life doesn't seem so bad. let's get real.

READ more (i don't think we know how to read in american half the time...i know i don't)

http://www.oxfamamerica.org/

http://www.diamondfacts.org/

or, even start simple...make your homepage cnn.com or something instead of espn or the always lovely facebook.com where we waste at least an hour a day.

honestly, it'll change your life. and other people's lives, most importantly.

it's very obvious to me that something in my life needs to change.

i don't think i'm actually depressed everyday or something, but i really do feel unhappy most of the time. i really can't pinpoint any one reason i feel this way either.

i do wonder a lot whether i've made wrong choices in the past or done something to "deserve" the way i feel, but deep down, i know that's not what God does. He actually does the opposite by providing us grace, but that still leaves me wondering why i feel like a mess all the time.

am i not taking advantage of the opportunities that will fulfill my life? i pray all the time that i will, and i pray to see the opportunities and that i might be used regardless of my stupid self-pity state. i love my church and my home fellowship makes my week every tuesday and i literally come home thinking "why do i worry if i truly believe God is taking care of me?" but sometimes i think i'm more worried/scared about MY part in my life than God's...yeah, i definitely am.

and to be quite honest, i'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that i feel like i'm finally ready to commit myself to another person again and i think i have much more of a perspective of what that means for me and i feel completely certain that i can do it, but there's no one to do that with.

as usual, i prayed/yelled with God in the car the other night, wondering out loud why i am by myself right now and why my desire for that type of companionship will not go away even though i constantly ask for it to be taken away so i can focus on other things. i told Him that i realize i was not made to be alone, and that i also don't think there will ever come a time where i feel like i'm "ready" for a relationship...i can't pray enough, think enough or even see enough counselors to make me feel like i can say "okay, i'm perfectly ready for this." i want someone just as crazy as me who i can go through crazy life with. to push me and challenge me, and let me do the same thing for them. to learn with and from. i realize that i can do things on my own...that i'm not paralyzed without "someone," but i feel that i could do 10x more with the right person b/c of encouragement and enthusiasm and someone to share my everyday, stupid, boring life with.

and that's the end for today. sorry this isn't fancy.

catharsis

"you know somebody, and they cry for you.
they stay awake at night and dream of you.
i bet you never even know they do,
but somebody's crying for you."

whew.

every day this week has been "one of those days."

i'm pretty sure guys cannot relate, but the ones where i know that it would be very beneficial if i just went to bed instead of thinking about my life b/c i feel so crazy and might do or say something stupid. and i know that if i just go to sleep, i will feel differently in the morning.

plus, i've been sick & can't even go to the doctor right now b/c i'm still figuring out my insurance nonsense, which is a 5-page post in itself.

i just want a little bit of order in my life, and i have none.

i don't like this 'growing up' business.