it's very obvious to me that something in my life needs to change.

i don't think i'm actually depressed everyday or something, but i really do feel unhappy most of the time. i really can't pinpoint any one reason i feel this way either.

i do wonder a lot whether i've made wrong choices in the past or done something to "deserve" the way i feel, but deep down, i know that's not what God does. He actually does the opposite by providing us grace, but that still leaves me wondering why i feel like a mess all the time.

am i not taking advantage of the opportunities that will fulfill my life? i pray all the time that i will, and i pray to see the opportunities and that i might be used regardless of my stupid self-pity state. i love my church and my home fellowship makes my week every tuesday and i literally come home thinking "why do i worry if i truly believe God is taking care of me?" but sometimes i think i'm more worried/scared about MY part in my life than God's...yeah, i definitely am.

and to be quite honest, i'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that i feel like i'm finally ready to commit myself to another person again and i think i have much more of a perspective of what that means for me and i feel completely certain that i can do it, but there's no one to do that with.

as usual, i prayed/yelled with God in the car the other night, wondering out loud why i am by myself right now and why my desire for that type of companionship will not go away even though i constantly ask for it to be taken away so i can focus on other things. i told Him that i realize i was not made to be alone, and that i also don't think there will ever come a time where i feel like i'm "ready" for a relationship...i can't pray enough, think enough or even see enough counselors to make me feel like i can say "okay, i'm perfectly ready for this." i want someone just as crazy as me who i can go through crazy life with. to push me and challenge me, and let me do the same thing for them. to learn with and from. i realize that i can do things on my own...that i'm not paralyzed without "someone," but i feel that i could do 10x more with the right person b/c of encouragement and enthusiasm and someone to share my everyday, stupid, boring life with.

and that's the end for today. sorry this isn't fancy.