Wednesday, August 29, 2007

i feel like i should put a disclaimer on this post.

i hate being a girl sometimes.

a lot of times.

if you're a girl, you understand. if you're a boy, it might be a good idea to read this for understanding; however, i will tell you upfront that you will never completely understand. there is no explaining the mind and moods of a female. if i can't do it, then surely you can't.

but hey, that's what makes us mysterious and attractive, right?

sick.
_______

interestingly enough, i am having a big, long conversation with my "ex" online right now (sorry to refer to you that way, but i guess it's true?!) about how i've completely screwed myself over in terms of relationships since we broke up almost two years ago.

i won't go into all the gory details, but basically i was so afraid to commit to someone again for a certain period of time that i ended up hurting other people who were interested in me and who i actually really did care about. then, when i was finally ready to commit, it was to someone even more commitment-phobic than myself.

so here i sit, burned and broken...not angry, not mad...i really don't hold any of this against anyone at all b/c i have understanding of what happened, but i fear that it will be a difficult thing for me to believe that someone has solid, non-sketchy, strong, shout-it-from-the-rooftops feelings about me again and that really makes my heart ache because that is what i want. and that is what i want to be for someone else.

i guess it makes me the most sad b/c i used to be a person who had complete confidence in my relationships -- in the other person and in myself -- and now after this ridiculous drama-filled time in my life, i feel sometimes like i have a very weak person leftover to show for it.

am i making any sense?

then there's the L-O-V-E word. i feel like i have been so overwhelmed by people who express their "love" for me repeatedly with their words and emotions that i wonder if i can ever get back to the place where i have a pure understanding of the word "love" used in a romantic relationship. not to mention the fact that many times, these words were not followed up by actions and therefore have made me into an untrusting, paranoid mess. (not good since i am a firm believer in "luv is a verb" -- thank you, dc talk)

all-in-all, i hope and pray that i will be able to have enough patience and discernment to know when God calls me into a relationship so that i don't further the craziness that is michelle efird.

see, i told you that you would/wouldn't understand.
_______

are not five sparrows sold for two pennies?
yet not one of them is forgotten by God.
indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered.
don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
luke 12:6-7