i hate being a girl sometimes.
a lot of times.
if you're a girl, you understand. if you're a boy, it might be a good idea to read this for understanding; however, i will tell you upfront that you will never completely understand. there is no explaining the mind and moods of a female. if i can't do it, then surely you can't.
but hey, that's what makes us mysterious and attractive, right?
sick.
_______
interestingly enough, i am having a big, long conversation with my "ex" online right now (sorry to refer to you that way, but i guess it's true?!) about how i've completely screwed myself over in terms of relationships since we broke up almost two years ago.
i won't go into all the gory details, but basically i was so afraid to commit to someone again for a certain period of time that i ended up hurting other people who were interested in me and who i actually really did care about. then, when i was finally ready to commit, it was to someone even more commitment-phobic than myself.
so here i sit, burned and broken...not angry, not mad...i really don't hold any of this against anyone at all b/c i have understanding of what happened, but i fear that it will be a difficult thing for me to believe that someone has solid, non-sketchy, strong, shout-it-from-the-rooftops feelings about me again and that really makes my heart ache because that is what i want. and that is what i want to be for someone else.
i guess it makes me the most sad b/c i used to be a person who had complete confidence in my relationships -- in the other person and in myself -- and now after this ridiculous drama-filled time in my life, i feel sometimes like i have a very weak person leftover to show for it.
am i making any sense?
then there's the L-O-V-E word. i feel like i have been so overwhelmed by people who express their "love" for me repeatedly with their words and emotions that i wonder if i can ever get back to the place where i have a pure understanding of the word "love" used in a romantic relationship. not to mention the fact that many times, these words were not followed up by actions and therefore have made me into an untrusting, paranoid mess. (not good since i am a firm believer in "luv is a verb" -- thank you, dc talk)
all-in-all, i hope and pray that i will be able to have enough patience and discernment to know when God calls me into a relationship so that i don't further the craziness that is michelle efird.
see, i told you that you would/wouldn't understand.
_______
are not five sparrows sold for two pennies?
yet not one of them is forgotten by God.
indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered.
don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
luke 12:6-7
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4 comments:
i love you. i hope you know that.
Michelle,
Its Ironic to me that you wrote this. Just two days ago I was having a similar conversation with a friend of mine. Many years ago my heart was broken and I have become somewhat commitment phobic but in a different sense. I just tend to be attracted to woman i know I can be with thus sparing me of failing in a relationship since none would ever exist.
So in a way I totally understand. You are completely right about not understanding females, I dont and I never will but in this situation I come pretty close to knowing what you are going through.
It is a really good thing that you realize how you feel and they way you are because once you know what the diagnosis is you can begin to fix the problem and heal. The heart and the mind are funny and very powerful. They can lead you to believe many things that aren't true. I believe you have confidence in relationships it's just buried deep below a bunch of garbage. Remember the enemy is quick to keep you from experiencing the gift of love that God has given us.
The L-O-V-E word. Tricky. I can understand what you mean. I haven't had the same experiences with it and people that you have had but I can see what you mean. After the drama, it becomes muddled, lost in a sea of words.
But you say yourself "I AM a firm believer in "luv is a verb" Present tense. So you see you still believe its out there and it exist. You are hindered by your emotions and the past. Just strip it all away and start new. Easier said then done I know. I've tried.
Knowing you I fully expect you to be in a long very loving relationship. You know God and what he has given you and what he is capable of and you know somewhere deep in the dark what Romantic love is. You just gotta dig a little deeper.
I wish you nothing but love and success.
-John Cathey
In most ways I feel like I can't trump anyone else's comments whether on Facebook or here on Blogger, but I do have one thing I would like to add. I read your post a few times and kept getting drawn to one section: "i fear that it will be a difficult thing for me to believe that someone has solid, non-sketchy, strong, shout-it-from-the-rooftops feelings about me again and that really makes my heart ache because that is what i want. and that is what i want to be for someone else." Given: I'm a boy and not a girl. Given: I could quite possibly have no idea what you are talking about and Given: This might be way off base, but...I think the most important thing regarding who we want to become in our lives is focus. I know we all have a past and that things can be difficult for each of us for various reasons, but when I think about change and how it happens, I see focus and attention to now. If you want to be anything in particular, I think it's a good idea to focus on today and what we can do today to make that happen, then tomorrow think about it the same way. When we talk and as we've gotten closer, I am able to go from moment to moment with you because I feel like you are right there with me and that is very refreshing. It is also rare and one of the reasons I like you so much, and I imagine it's one of the reasons so many other people like you as well. In close relationships, I think that applies. I bet I seem like I'm hitting off base, because it's like I am forgetting about what happened yesterday and years ago, but I'm not. I'm just saying that isn't the focus. That way the future won't feel like it has to repeat the past and the present doesn't feel like a failure just because it hasn't worked right yet. What's done is done, hurtful or not, but I think it's always what we are doing right now and feeling and thinking right now that we can best control. Our lessons and everything else bring us to each moment more and more ready to take care of it, whether we will or not. I have no doubt in my mind that you can become exactly who you want to be. I understand your fear, but I think you are facing it and I know you are bigger than it. Much bigger.
On a much more shallow note...the fact that you just quoted DC Talk Free at Last album style is one of the many reasons I adore you. That is also one of my favorite passages in the Bible....so there's another reason to think you are swell :)
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