being at home

is bittersweet.

things definitely aren't the same, but i'm honestly thankful for that.

tonight i had coffee with claire and ben. claire has been my friend ever since the 6th grade when i was invited to her bowling party...ahh, the memories. we've never had big disagreements and i've never ever wondered where her heart is or what she's all about. i am so thankful for that. i really appreciate that about her. total honesty about her life and everything that goes on in it.

i hate to say it, but oftentimes when people are talking to me, i wonder what they're not telling me. i know i just shouldn't worry about it, but i hate to think that people edit what they say to me. that's probably because i know it's partially my fault b/c of my overreactions to things in the past and the fact that i talked down upon things that people did. the thing is, i don't know what to do about it. all i know is that i'm trying to just listen to people and hope that eventually they will realize that i'm really no different than they are.

anyway, i'm going to bed now b/c i'm working at camp all day tomorrow. it's been nice to be home, but i'm about ready to be back at school. i miss my roommate, i miss melinda, i miss jeanna, i miss bff, the girls in my cell group, sheather... i miss everyone. so there's my emotional release for the night. we talked about writing a lot tonight at caribou-yah and it reminded me of catharsis. and there you have it...what's been on my mind in the past couple hours.

well, i've been home for Christmas for about 37 hours

and it seems like so much has happened.

there's no way i can even begin to describe all that has happened to me, even since yesterday, but be assured it's all good. yesterday when i got home (and was a zombie....i don't think i've been that tired in a loooong time) i went to a women's Christmas tea thing with my mom at calvary...

anyway, when i got home, there was a card on my dresser from a charlotte address. i opened it and there was a note from a woman who evidently attends calvary who had seen my journal entry of the story i wrote for chicken soup and she was telling me how much it meant to her...so that was pretty random and unexpected, but very nice.

then i went to the Christmas tea and the speaker was a 60-something year-old woman named daisy hepburn who was just a wonderful speaker. her talk was entitled "have a mary, mary, mary Christmas" and she used mary and martha, mary magdalene, and Jesus' mother mary to illustrate how women can relate their stories to their own Christmases. it was a really great lesson altogether and i realized that on the table close to the door, she also had books for sale that she also referenced many times in her talk.

about mid-way through her talk, i really felt that God was telling me the only way to get into speaking is to write. i really haven't felt that sure of anything since all that happened to me at big break in the spring, so i was really, really glad to have that feeling. and right after the program, my mom and i got up and she saw a friend at the table behind us. when my mom introduced us, the lady said "is this the one who wrote that story?" and she went on to tell me how my chicken soup story really encouraged her and spoke to her.

the thing is, it took me until last night when i was telling jeff about all this to realize that God was both preparing me (with the mail letter) and confirming me (with the lady at the table behind me) for before and after He spoke to me. how incredible is that?!

so, my mind has really been consumed with that since yesterday and i have been praying for inspiration to write. tonight i went to barnes and noble and bought a new journal to start this writing in, and i wrote down exactly what happened and the few ideas i do have already. now i just plan to write stream of conciousness-ly and see what happens. i do know that i'm going to write about my life and what God has taught me, because that's really the only thing i know enough about! so we'll see, but i really think it's what i'm supposed to be doing right now.

i'm also very excited, because i found out last week that i might be going to a media conference in new york at columbia university in march ,with jeanna and will (through yearbook staff), and i was thinking about it today and realized that they are also offering writing classes, which fits in with this really nicely. also, i had already planned on attending the proverbs 31 writers and spearkers conference in august in charlotte (actually only for the speaking part, but sounds like plans have changed...). that also fits in nicely since the writers part of the conference is basically meeting with publishers and editors. wow.

so that's that. there is so much more that has gone on, but i'm so tired and need to get some rest. anyway, just wanted to get this on here because i'm very excited about it.

oh, and one more thing: i also find it interesting that for the past couple months i have literally told people "i think i might go speaking, but not writing, because my hands are too bad and i just don't want to write." and my chicken soup story was about how God uses my weaknesses.

in the words of melinda, "silly, silly me." :)

OH! and have fun in nyc, melinda, heather, shannon, rick, mike, brandon, and drew. i've never been more jealous and happy at the same time!

struggling with memory loss?

so am i.

o Holy night

i am really trying to understand more of the songs i am singing at Christmas this year and i am so taken aback with this one; it's just so true and i'm so thankful.

"o Holy night, the stars are brightly shining,
it is the night of our dear Saviour's birth.
long lay the world in sin and error pining,
'till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.

a thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices.
for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
fall, on your knees! o hear the angel voices!
o night divine! o night when Christ was born!"

oh what a night

well, tonight we went out for my birthday, all 20 of us, and what a time we had.

first we went to applebee's, where we were informed that it would be 30 minutes, then another 30 minutes, then found out that really, the manager had simply decided to cancel our reservation without telling us. so we called around cary, then decided on going to sweet tomatoes for dinner. it was a good choice and i think everyone really enjoyed it, so it didn't turn out too bad. fun was had for all, and the food was really great (at least mine was).

then we headed over to barnes and noble, where everyone looked around at books and some had coffee. it was nice just to hang out b/c it's definitely been a looong week. i'm actually looking forward to this week though...i don't really mind exam week. there's lots of time to chill out and i would rather be taking exams then writing papers and doing busywork, but that might just be me.

the highlights of the night?

- my wonderful friends who all came out to eat. like i said, it really didn't matter where we ate anyway, b/c having everyone there was really the point.
- the fact that those friends sang Christmas carols while waiting at applebee's and "welcomed" people to the restaurant as they came in.
- betty held a lighter over a piece of chocolate cake as a candle.
- i got to wear my new Christmas earrings, which made me happy!
- the bff (kt beck, in case anyone doesn't know that by now) gave me loveactually for my birthday. she actually brought it by this afternoon b/c she couldn't wait any longer. :)
- and matt oakley gave me my present also; something unmentionable under my campbell contract, but man, the simple fact that oakley bought it makes it 500x better. i almost cried with laughter....

so it was a great time. thanks to everyone who came out to dinner...i really appreciated your company and i love you all :)