a few [mixed up] thoughts from this restless mind of mine...

i feel like i am losing my ability to think critically. sure, this may be a good thing in some ways, but i tend to get nervous about the fact that much of my day-to-day work is incredibly mindless and repetitive. don't get me wrong - i really love my job and the opportunities that lie ahead of me, but right now i'm wondering how i'd ever make it through another interview and sound like i have motivation and drive, let alone any critical/creative thinking skills. or any wit.

it also doesn't help the situation that i am my own best friend here at good 'ol lake norman and so i talk to myself inside my head all day and night long. maybe i was just spoiled by college and the fact that there were always plenty of good friends around to stimulate my mind with good, intelligent, thought-provoking conversation. maybe i need to read/write blogs more, read the newspaper and strike up a deep, philosophical conversation with the person on the eliptical next to me at the gym? okay, maybe not that far.

it just seems like i am losing my sense-making already, which makes me start thinking i'm old already and losing my mind.

anyway, i'm sure you are dying to read my thoughts after that introduction, but here they are:

• i am having a hard time being a Christian that moved to an unfamiliar area and took an unfamiliar job. i knew this was coming, so i don't know why it surprises me, but i have noticed lately that's it's a lot easier for me to be around non-Christians than Christians because with Christians, it feels like i'm walking into a high pressure situation - especially at a singles group (which i almost refuse to be a part of at this point b/c of my own bias). the thing is, you can almost guess what most non-Christians are like - what they do, what they don't do, what they care about, etc. but there are SO many different types (is that the right word?) of Christians that it's hard to guess what they do/don't do, what they believe/don't believe, what would shock them, what would make them laugh, whether or not they would go have a beer with you at happy hour or if they would rather be chatting it up at starbucks. or if they even leave the house on the weekends.
• i am also having a hard time with this "one day at a time" concept that i struggle so consistently with. i know that today (4/22/08), i, michelle efird, have a job, some work friends to cook dinner for and that i will probably go to the gym tonight. i also realize that i live by myself and don't have a boyfriend or even a potential date so i don't know why i constantly wish for that to change and that this part of my life would be over and done with. i know that's a desire of my heart, but i also know that i should probably enjoy this season of my life and also that it could change in an instant and never be the same - why is this such a drive for me? it really hasn't been that way for a long time, so to my independent self, it's almost like admitting defeat to say these things. ahh, well. i wave the white flag.
• i just feel like things in my life have no rhyme or reason right now. because i feel this way, i have almost been forcing myself into things that might provide "rhyme or reason" including, but not limited to, working with the arthritis foundation, working here and there with the youth group at the church i've been going to, attending small group, etc. none of these things have actually kept me interested and i finally decided last week that i don't have to force myself to do things because i feel like i should. if my heart isn't there, that's just how it is. i have actually run across younglife in this area, which is something that definitely sparked my interest, so i'm hoping that i might become involved there as well as the children's hospital uptown.
• help. anyone, help. i need sensible, inspiring people to talk to about life, so i'm going to have to settle for reading it on blog comments.

i want you to know that i miss you if you don't live near me or if i don't talk to you often. life is so interesting and things change so quickly - it's amazing how quickly you can lose touch with someone that you used to know like the back of your hand. that certainly doesn't mean you don't care, and it doesn't mean that when you hear something wonderful or sad about the goings-on in their lives, you don't feel the same emotions that they do. some people you're just connected to. some people you just "get."