pendulum swing

although i know that growing up in a Christian home and never really having 'veered off the path' is a more positive than negative thing (for SURE) in my life, i can see where certain aspects of the Christian culture i've been surrounded by have greatly shaped my outlook on my own life, particularly trying to live a Christian life.

i realize that more and more, especially now that i live outside of the "bubble" i was in for 6 years, (and all the years before that) and it is quite overwhelming most of the time. i find myself inside my head all the time, unable to verbalize all the things that swirl around in my brain because everything i've ever thought about life is being challenged from all angles. i also find myself in constant guilt over even small aspects of my life where i feel like i'm just not living up to my own or other's expectations of what my Christian walk should look like right now.

but someone please tell me...what exactly should my Christian walk look like right now?

the other confusing thing about this constant struggle for any sort of clarity in my life is that any Christian to whom i might pose the question above would answer it differently. (and that doesn't help with the clarity issue)

i've also thought lately about how satan probably very much enjoys his stronghold on my mind -- keeping me so focused on myself and what i'm doing or not doing that i don't have any time or energy left to do anything beneficial for anyone else, especially unbelievers. i wonder what Jesus would say to me...most likely not "michelle, you need to complete the following list of things each day to be a good Christian..." or "here's what a Christian looks like:" followed by a bulleted list of things Christians do and things Christians do not do each day.

i was reading "searching for God knows what" yesterday and definitely have to agree with donald miller's point on Christianity and our logical lists of what identifies a Christian, so that we can make ourselves feel better when we have accomplished said list. it's somewhat mechanical when you think about it. and i think that is what has caused this unrest in my soul - i so fear becoming a Christian robot that i'm having a hard time deciding what a real "Christian in an unChristian world" looks like, at the same time realizing that God spits the likewarm out of his mouth.

does this make any sense to anyone else but me?

(i hope that it does because sometimes i fear i have lost my mind already. and at such a young age. what a shame.)

but i refuse to sit here and make lists of what a 24-almost-25-year-old Christian female looks like! married, single, in a serious relationship, engaged, working for a huge money-centered corporation, working for billy graham, barely making your rent, owning a beautiful townhouse, raising children, having a hard time raising gerbera daisies!!! (guess who that is.)

i don't know if any of it plays a factor in anything or why each of us is where we are in life! but i don't think i can handle another formula on how to live a Christian life, like the Bible is a self-help book when it is actually the story of the Creator of the Universe that we are lucky enough to get to know personally.

(breathe.)

maybe this shouldn't be a public blog. my head is spinning.