wild goose chase

i talked to my friend kat last night for awhile. kat & i were friends in college, but not "close" friends. we had mutual "close" friends, but we really (for no particular reason) didn't spend a lot of exclusive time together.

since graduating college, we have become closer and have recently decided that we want to try to meet each other halfway between where we live as often as possible for dinner, to catch up with one another. we did this last month and it was SO awesome just to chat and be encouraged.

we were supposed to meet tomorrow night for dinner, but we both agreed that it just isn't happening this week...she's got a major change of life plans coming her way and me with my bridesmaiding this weekend.

we did talk on the phone for a bit last night, and it seems the theme of the conversation was how thankful we are for the fact that God so graciously didn't allow our lives to turn out the way we planned them...the fact that He would actually rip us from the plans we dug our nails so tightly into, convincing ourselves that what we thought was best.

(we, of course, were talking about relationships)

this morning i was reminded of how that has also happened in my career (if you can call it that) path. it's funny, because sometimes i forget that my first job was actually supposed to be with espn regional television. i won't go into the long, sad story, but i didn't end up starting due to their HR error. so i ended up back at campbell working for admissions, and although sometimes i certainly question why that part of my life happened, i can see parts of why that happened. then when i began looking for new jobs, i almost accepted a position with "taste of charlotte" (which is why i was reminded this morning...the festival is this weekend - http://www.tasteofcharlotte.com/) but for a few reasons, didn't feel comfortable accepting the job with such a small company and thus, ended up where i am, working for newell rubbermaid in a pretty wonderful position.

_________________

all that to say that throughout my life, the hardest thing for me has been to make big decisions - how long to stay in one place, when to say 'enough is enough' in a relationship or job that isn't quite where it should be, which dreams to chase and how to measure the motive behind those dreams, if suppressing some of my talents to take a job that i need is settling for the 'good' instead of the 'great.'

i have started thinking about this again lately, trying to focus on the things that i DO have in my life...number one being a job...and trying to figure out where to go from here.

ideally, i would go back to school full-time and get a masters ("in what?" is another question...). unfortunately, these decisions are not that easy due simply to the fact that my medical bills cost a fortune and i don't really have the option to just pick up and go where my heart wanders.

my other option being work and get my masters...or just work and try to get myself where i want to go.

and i guess the hardest question holding me back from making any sort of plan is what in the world do i want to do? a loaded question. sometimes i feel like the easier question might be "what DON'T i want to do?"

a quick laundry list of things i've considered doing with my life:

• tv news anchor
• life coach
• marriage & family counselor
• addictions counselor
• student affairs in higher ed
• concert coordinator/something in the music industry*
• high school teacher**
• writer (nonfiction, but not self-help)
• speech writer
• "motivational" speaker
• President of the US of A

and more recently...

• human resources
• channel marketing
• advertising (for Sharpie!)
• coffee shop or wine bar owner (ha!)
• floral designer (what?!? michelle nurturing plants??)
• sports anchor
• still something in the music industry*
• still, a teacher**

the biggest conclusion i take from this is that the things that make me most excited are the ones with the biggest learning curves and i'm really okay with that. i think i feel as if i'm getting dumber by the day and i don't like that.

so, any thoughts on this from my wonderfully wise friends? maybe i should just take a vote from these lists and make my decision based on the people's concensus.

(and don't even vote for "President" because we all know how well that seems to work for me...and if i had to guess, campbell and america might actually be similar battles during the election process and thereafter...)

and that, my friends, deserves a photo.

pendulum swing

although i know that growing up in a Christian home and never really having 'veered off the path' is a more positive than negative thing (for SURE) in my life, i can see where certain aspects of the Christian culture i've been surrounded by have greatly shaped my outlook on my own life, particularly trying to live a Christian life.

i realize that more and more, especially now that i live outside of the "bubble" i was in for 6 years, (and all the years before that) and it is quite overwhelming most of the time. i find myself inside my head all the time, unable to verbalize all the things that swirl around in my brain because everything i've ever thought about life is being challenged from all angles. i also find myself in constant guilt over even small aspects of my life where i feel like i'm just not living up to my own or other's expectations of what my Christian walk should look like right now.

but someone please tell me...what exactly should my Christian walk look like right now?

the other confusing thing about this constant struggle for any sort of clarity in my life is that any Christian to whom i might pose the question above would answer it differently. (and that doesn't help with the clarity issue)

i've also thought lately about how satan probably very much enjoys his stronghold on my mind -- keeping me so focused on myself and what i'm doing or not doing that i don't have any time or energy left to do anything beneficial for anyone else, especially unbelievers. i wonder what Jesus would say to me...most likely not "michelle, you need to complete the following list of things each day to be a good Christian..." or "here's what a Christian looks like:" followed by a bulleted list of things Christians do and things Christians do not do each day.

i was reading "searching for God knows what" yesterday and definitely have to agree with donald miller's point on Christianity and our logical lists of what identifies a Christian, so that we can make ourselves feel better when we have accomplished said list. it's somewhat mechanical when you think about it. and i think that is what has caused this unrest in my soul - i so fear becoming a Christian robot that i'm having a hard time deciding what a real "Christian in an unChristian world" looks like, at the same time realizing that God spits the likewarm out of his mouth.

does this make any sense to anyone else but me?

(i hope that it does because sometimes i fear i have lost my mind already. and at such a young age. what a shame.)

but i refuse to sit here and make lists of what a 24-almost-25-year-old Christian female looks like! married, single, in a serious relationship, engaged, working for a huge money-centered corporation, working for billy graham, barely making your rent, owning a beautiful townhouse, raising children, having a hard time raising gerbera daisies!!! (guess who that is.)

i don't know if any of it plays a factor in anything or why each of us is where we are in life! but i don't think i can handle another formula on how to live a Christian life, like the Bible is a self-help book when it is actually the story of the Creator of the Universe that we are lucky enough to get to know personally.

(breathe.)

maybe this shouldn't be a public blog. my head is spinning.

from my heart flow...

tina and i went to see natasha bedingfield on wednesday night and i can honestly say it was amazing. luckily, we saw her in a very small venue and her voice is phenomenal!

if you don't know (her), now you know.

read me-linda's blog. she's one of the most intelligent people i've ever met, not to mention incredibly sincere, compassionate and loving. lucky for me, i got to spend a year of my life in the same house with her!
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i've been pretty overwhelmed lately with a lot of things and i can't even begin to explain that right now. i will say that i have realized recently that most of the people i REALLY admire in my life are those who usually sit back and take it all in, most of the time listening to others and just basically soaking in the wisdom. maybe it's because i feel like they are so different from me that i admire them, but i think it's honestly because of the genuineness that pours from their patience and interestedness in other people's lives. so, i am trying to be a better listener and understander (if that was a word).

one thing is for certain, life is a never-ending balancing act. more on that later...

oh american idol, you've done me in again.

my girl went home last night.

as usual, it was emotional. i knew she was going, she knew she was going and honestly, i guess she needed to go if we're talking about voting for the person who sounds the most modern and can change it up every week to keep interest.

but i certainly want her cd. & i'd really like to be her best friend!

honestly, she's just the cutest thing ever and she wears her heart on her sleeve.

so, hats off to brooke white.





















i mean, seriously, who wouldn't love her??

now the support goes to david cook. well, it's been there since the beginning. freakin' a-mazing.

mi casa es su casa

i wanted to post some photos of the new apt, since i know some of you wanted to see it and have not made it down to the QC yet...

the files are huge and there are many of them, so you can go to this link and click on my album to view them: http://www.flickr.com/photos/26144672@N07/

i didn't add my bedroom to the photos yet because it looks like a tornado went through it from traveling so much recently...i hope to add a few tomorrow!

new camera!

i got a new camera yesterday which will hopefully add an incredible amount of happiness to my life - the Canon PowerShot A720!

tomorrow i will post some new pics of my apartment for those of you who have never seen it before, as well as the wonderful daisies i decided to start growing on my porch! :)

if you're on flickr, my name is michelle.ma.belle so add me as a contact! i will also be on snapfish, but i don't know much about that yet.

i don't care WHO you are...

ladies, you can't tell me you don't love this song. most guys probably do too. they would probably say "it's aight" but they are secretly jealous of these dashing good looks and amazing pipes. okay, maybe not.

http://michaelbuble.com/lostvideo

seriously, this is one of those corny songs that a girl like me wants to write off and say "this is what makes us overemotional and crazy because it's not real" but again, this must be my week of surrender. this does me in.

we all know i am a michael buble lover, but if you saw this man in concert, you would swoon too.

6 hour drive of happiness!

i'm going to see lick and nindsay this weekend in virginia for her birthdaaaay!

and thank goodness zack burger lives there too. so i have a date on friday!!

to get ready for this wonderful weekend, i will try to remember how to put pictures on the blog (i'm sure it's much simpler than the way i manually used to put them in html-style)...

me, lindsay and katie at our first spring fling :)

linds and i two nights before her wedding! i think we definitely grew up together over those 5 years!


YIPPEE!!

(yes, this "add image" button makes things quite simple.)

a few [mixed up] thoughts from this restless mind of mine...

i feel like i am losing my ability to think critically. sure, this may be a good thing in some ways, but i tend to get nervous about the fact that much of my day-to-day work is incredibly mindless and repetitive. don't get me wrong - i really love my job and the opportunities that lie ahead of me, but right now i'm wondering how i'd ever make it through another interview and sound like i have motivation and drive, let alone any critical/creative thinking skills. or any wit.

it also doesn't help the situation that i am my own best friend here at good 'ol lake norman and so i talk to myself inside my head all day and night long. maybe i was just spoiled by college and the fact that there were always plenty of good friends around to stimulate my mind with good, intelligent, thought-provoking conversation. maybe i need to read/write blogs more, read the newspaper and strike up a deep, philosophical conversation with the person on the eliptical next to me at the gym? okay, maybe not that far.

it just seems like i am losing my sense-making already, which makes me start thinking i'm old already and losing my mind.

anyway, i'm sure you are dying to read my thoughts after that introduction, but here they are:

• i am having a hard time being a Christian that moved to an unfamiliar area and took an unfamiliar job. i knew this was coming, so i don't know why it surprises me, but i have noticed lately that's it's a lot easier for me to be around non-Christians than Christians because with Christians, it feels like i'm walking into a high pressure situation - especially at a singles group (which i almost refuse to be a part of at this point b/c of my own bias). the thing is, you can almost guess what most non-Christians are like - what they do, what they don't do, what they care about, etc. but there are SO many different types (is that the right word?) of Christians that it's hard to guess what they do/don't do, what they believe/don't believe, what would shock them, what would make them laugh, whether or not they would go have a beer with you at happy hour or if they would rather be chatting it up at starbucks. or if they even leave the house on the weekends.
• i am also having a hard time with this "one day at a time" concept that i struggle so consistently with. i know that today (4/22/08), i, michelle efird, have a job, some work friends to cook dinner for and that i will probably go to the gym tonight. i also realize that i live by myself and don't have a boyfriend or even a potential date so i don't know why i constantly wish for that to change and that this part of my life would be over and done with. i know that's a desire of my heart, but i also know that i should probably enjoy this season of my life and also that it could change in an instant and never be the same - why is this such a drive for me? it really hasn't been that way for a long time, so to my independent self, it's almost like admitting defeat to say these things. ahh, well. i wave the white flag.
• i just feel like things in my life have no rhyme or reason right now. because i feel this way, i have almost been forcing myself into things that might provide "rhyme or reason" including, but not limited to, working with the arthritis foundation, working here and there with the youth group at the church i've been going to, attending small group, etc. none of these things have actually kept me interested and i finally decided last week that i don't have to force myself to do things because i feel like i should. if my heart isn't there, that's just how it is. i have actually run across younglife in this area, which is something that definitely sparked my interest, so i'm hoping that i might become involved there as well as the children's hospital uptown.
• help. anyone, help. i need sensible, inspiring people to talk to about life, so i'm going to have to settle for reading it on blog comments.

i want you to know that i miss you if you don't live near me or if i don't talk to you often. life is so interesting and things change so quickly - it's amazing how quickly you can lose touch with someone that you used to know like the back of your hand. that certainly doesn't mean you don't care, and it doesn't mean that when you hear something wonderful or sad about the goings-on in their lives, you don't feel the same emotions that they do. some people you're just connected to. some people you just "get."

do what you feel!

i started private dance lessons yesterday. i learned rumba, salsa and swing.

lesson for the day, mentioned to me by a friend:

"if you post that you want to do something on your facebook for more than a year, you need to just do it."

'tis true!

i want to sing in a band. not a "we actually want to make it" band, but a band that just likes to sing/play and maybe sings as a favor here and there and gets paid gas money.

i'm not a phenomenal singer, so i've never actually voiced the fact that i want to sing out loud with people watching, but it's true.

anyone want to start a makeshift band with me that lives in my area? (ha.)

Jesus is not the reason for the season.

she will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because He will save his people from their sins."

all this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: "the virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel"—which means, "God with us."

matthew 1:21-23
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i heard an incredible message at a service i went to at cricket arena this morning with my family. the pastor asked the question "is Jesus the reason for the season?" followed, of course, by a sea of people responding "yes!" before he said "don't answer this before you hear the message...i'm tricking you."

[this guy also looked just liked tyler durden from fight club. don't know why, but i just had to say that.]

the scripture was matthew 1:21-23 and the pastor spoke about how Jesus is not the reason for this season. the reason for the season is me. it's you. Jesus' birth would have been irrelevant if it weren't for those He came to save. if it weren't for sinful people, Jesus wouldn't had to have come in the flesh and died for all of us.

we could not get to Jesus, so He came to us. we can't get to Him today with good deeds, unceasing prayer, by going to church everyday or anything else we try to do to "get to Jesus." He comes to us. daily, hourly, every minute of the day He is with us. God with us. oh, how we tend to forget.

Jesus did not need this "season." He is the reason for everything, year-round. WE are the reason for the season of His birth and we should rejoice in the fact that the most precious gift we ever received was sent to meet us where we're at.

what a refreshing message to hear this morning! i would probably have to say that the past few months of my life have been the most challenging i've ever experienced personally, and i was having a hard time even remembering that Christmas is in two days. i came into the season exhausted all-around and unfortunately feel like i haven't even had an hour to think outside of myself and get into "the spirit." and being the Christmassy jinglchelle that i am, it's been hard for me to feel like i'm just going to have to let this season pass me by and put on a fake smile and get through the holidays. i desperately needed to hear those words from God.

people often ask me why i pray so hard for God's will or why i really do want to do what God wants for my life. they ask why i don't just go completely selfish for awhile and try to make things happen for myself because obviously i can always go back to my roots -- why not take a little time to do what michelle wants instead of worrying about God all the time. i've thought about that a lot lately, because honestly, answering "because i love God" or "because we're supposed to" just doesn't cut it for me. and that's not why i do it. the reason i want to please God is that it's the least i can do. plain and simple, no fancy explanation...i don't see much point to a life lived for myself - a life that satisfies for a season and leaves you completely dissatisfied in an instant.

God sent his son to be born on earth to die for me. i'm the reason and i never quite got it. and now i feel "the Spirit" in a completely different way that i ever have at Christmas - God with us.

i'm thinking i'm going to buckle down and start writing the book i've always wanted to. i do need people to keep on me about this, b/c i'm used to at least semi-instant gratification and this could take years. but i really want to do it. and i want to speak about it when it's done.

long-term goals, people!

if anyone has anything to say about this...anything at all...let's hear it!

(especially if you're an editor, artist, photographer, etc...and i know way too many of those, so c'mon people...)

i think that i think too hard
and i don't give enough credit to my heart

i need Thee every hour

i don't know if i'm just emotional or what (well, i KNOW that i AM emotional, but i don't know how much more or less than anyone else)...

but it seems like everyday is a roller coaster for me lately. and everyday i also come to a point where i am completely content and at peace with my faith in God and not understanding and controlling everything around me, even if it's only for an hour before bed...

then i wake up again in the morning and start over. dang it! i find myself praying every night "Lord, please help me to remember this mindset and peace tomorrow when i start to feel overwhelmed or upset" and it does seem to get a little easier each day.

good thing God doesn't give up on me. i'd give up on me.

"do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will."
romans 12:2

i feel like i should put a disclaimer on this post.

i hate being a girl sometimes.

a lot of times.

if you're a girl, you understand. if you're a boy, it might be a good idea to read this for understanding; however, i will tell you upfront that you will never completely understand. there is no explaining the mind and moods of a female. if i can't do it, then surely you can't.

but hey, that's what makes us mysterious and attractive, right?

sick.
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interestingly enough, i am having a big, long conversation with my "ex" online right now (sorry to refer to you that way, but i guess it's true?!) about how i've completely screwed myself over in terms of relationships since we broke up almost two years ago.

i won't go into all the gory details, but basically i was so afraid to commit to someone again for a certain period of time that i ended up hurting other people who were interested in me and who i actually really did care about. then, when i was finally ready to commit, it was to someone even more commitment-phobic than myself.

so here i sit, burned and broken...not angry, not mad...i really don't hold any of this against anyone at all b/c i have understanding of what happened, but i fear that it will be a difficult thing for me to believe that someone has solid, non-sketchy, strong, shout-it-from-the-rooftops feelings about me again and that really makes my heart ache because that is what i want. and that is what i want to be for someone else.

i guess it makes me the most sad b/c i used to be a person who had complete confidence in my relationships -- in the other person and in myself -- and now after this ridiculous drama-filled time in my life, i feel sometimes like i have a very weak person leftover to show for it.

am i making any sense?

then there's the L-O-V-E word. i feel like i have been so overwhelmed by people who express their "love" for me repeatedly with their words and emotions that i wonder if i can ever get back to the place where i have a pure understanding of the word "love" used in a romantic relationship. not to mention the fact that many times, these words were not followed up by actions and therefore have made me into an untrusting, paranoid mess. (not good since i am a firm believer in "luv is a verb" -- thank you, dc talk)

all-in-all, i hope and pray that i will be able to have enough patience and discernment to know when God calls me into a relationship so that i don't further the craziness that is michelle efird.

see, i told you that you would/wouldn't understand.
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are not five sparrows sold for two pennies?
yet not one of them is forgotten by God.
indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered.
don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
luke 12:6-7

what a week.

it has been quite the week. thursday on my lunch break, i called my mom only to find out that she was on her way to the hospital to consent to moving my grandmother to hospice and cutting her off all treatment besides oxygen and medication to ease the pain. i packed my things and headed home that afternoon.

there are so many things running through my mind right now that i want to write about...so many things i've thought about, questioned, been blessed by, etc. a few things:

• i am seriously overwhelmed by God's blessing of the friendships in my life; i am not talking about acquaintances (which are good to), but i'm talking serious, true, deeply caring people in my life that surround me on a daily basis. of course, some of those friends are the ones i live with or interact with daily and spend lots of time with, but some of them are even those i don't get to see that often or talk to, but we love and care about each other as if we spoke everyday. i spent the night in the hospital on thursday night so that my mom could try to get some sleep, and i had friends calling and staying up online to talk with me so i could stay awake. i know that people have felt like they can't "do" anything for me right now, but just knowing people truly care is quite enough.
• i won't really go in depth about this right now, but i am amazed at how quickly this life will go by. i hope and pray that at the end of my life, i am pleased with the focus of my life...and above all, that God is pleased.
• i was watching a video on our grace website just now (http://graceccnc.org/ - it's called "Easter Sunday testimonials"), and cannot control my tears about the truth that speaks through it to me. on the video, josh comments about some things that have happened in his life this year, saying that it was definitely God trying to get his attention. i see that so many times in my life, and although those times are usually utterly painful, i am so thankful. i praise God that He cares enough to help me re-focus my life and put things in perspective. and from all these lessons, i am usually able to help others go through the same things.

i came back to buies creek yesterday for lindsay's shower, and i am continually blessed by being a part of her whole wedding process, and hopefully learning a lot ahead of time. :) it was a really good time and it was great to be with people who mean a lot to me.

this morning, i found out that nanna passed away at 6am. it's somewhat surreal and i wondered if i would be upset if something happened while i was gone, but honestly i think God was protecting me. i think it might have been too hard to be there when she actually passed away. and i did get to talk to her a few times while i was home when she was awake, so that's what i'm thankful for.

thank you all so much for your thoughts, prayer and phone calls...they have truly helped me to get through this time. please continue to pray for my family, specifically for my mom and grandfather.

12:30am?? Good time to write, of course.

it seems that i am continually reminded of how undeserving i am of God's grace, and of the blessings He pours on me.

consequently, i am also reminded of how selfish i am towards the people around me...hoarding everything that i am blessed with as if it was deserved.

i was so thankful that lindsay reminded me of this verse this week:

"freely you have received,
freely give."
[matthew 10:8]

so many times, i get caught up in what i want, what i deserve, how i feel, what's not fair to me and what i just can't understand when really, i don't deserve anything. i don't deserve what i want or good feelings and i certainly don't truly want what would be "fair" to me. and obviously, i will never be able to understand everything and if i could, i'd worship myself (which all too often, is what it seems when i convince myself that i'm pretty dang smart).

a good friend (and student) of mine recently reminded me that when God promises you things for your life, He does them. it sounds simple, but when you start to worry about your life, it's easy to forget. even though it might sometimes feel like God has forgotten the desires that He put in my heart, He most certainly has not and i know that He will remain faithful to me b/c He never fails. i think it's extremely hard for us to trust someone that deeply...trusting that God will never, ever fail us...b/c we really have no tangible concept of infallibility. we fail others (and ourselves) everyday, over and over, and other people fail us too, so it's hard to put complete and total faith in someone, especially someone we can't visibly see. this causes us to worry and be overwhelmed, creates pressure and bad, split-second, emotional decisions b/c we feel like we have to control what happens to us...that there is no way things will work out unless we do it ourselves.

so i'm working on trust and recognizing how selfless God is with me, and how important it is for me to show that selflessness to everyone i encounter...friends, perceived "enemies," people who have hurt me, people who take advantage of me, people who don't like me one bit. who am i to judge, and play favorites and choose who i will love and who i will refuse love to?

"by this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you love one another."
[john 13:35]

lots on my mind.

what's on my mind? a better question would be "what's NOT on my mind?"

now, i know i give tons of "advice" and hopefully help a handful of people, but i still come home everyday and wonder what in the world i'm doing. we talked about a lot tonight in Bible study, b/c i just decided to go ahead and throw all my questions out on the table...it definitely helped me to sort through things a little more, but i wanted to put in my two cents about college dating (this goes out to some of my admissions students, as well as myself, of course.)

• as far as relationships go, i think that when you're in college it's really easy to get wrapped up in who fits correctly into your lifestyle or friend group, or who everyone tells you would be "perfect" for you or looks "cute" with you. i've realized, even just shy of one year out, that none of that matters (and i wish i had thought more about it before i graduated). what it really comes down to is who would you be stoked about outside of your college setting...when you're not student body president or a star athlete or mr. personality on campus. who will you be just fine with when no one remembers that about you, and who can you laugh with even when things absolutely suck? who will be able to pray for you and be with you through the hardest things you'll ever go through, and be incredibly excited during the biggest joys? who will you still love even when they piss you off beyond belief and you want to hit them (b/c let's face it, that will happen)? basically, who are you willing to experience life with...all of it, even the stuff you don't know about yet (and that's a risky gamble). i'm not saying you'll definitely find someone in college, but it's just something to think about while you're looking.

i know that might sound corny, but it's really true. yep.