wild goose chase

i talked to my friend kat last night for awhile. kat & i were friends in college, but not "close" friends. we had mutual "close" friends, but we really (for no particular reason) didn't spend a lot of exclusive time together.

since graduating college, we have become closer and have recently decided that we want to try to meet each other halfway between where we live as often as possible for dinner, to catch up with one another. we did this last month and it was SO awesome just to chat and be encouraged.

we were supposed to meet tomorrow night for dinner, but we both agreed that it just isn't happening this week...she's got a major change of life plans coming her way and me with my bridesmaiding this weekend.

we did talk on the phone for a bit last night, and it seems the theme of the conversation was how thankful we are for the fact that God so graciously didn't allow our lives to turn out the way we planned them...the fact that He would actually rip us from the plans we dug our nails so tightly into, convincing ourselves that what we thought was best.

(we, of course, were talking about relationships)

this morning i was reminded of how that has also happened in my career (if you can call it that) path. it's funny, because sometimes i forget that my first job was actually supposed to be with espn regional television. i won't go into the long, sad story, but i didn't end up starting due to their HR error. so i ended up back at campbell working for admissions, and although sometimes i certainly question why that part of my life happened, i can see parts of why that happened. then when i began looking for new jobs, i almost accepted a position with "taste of charlotte" (which is why i was reminded this morning...the festival is this weekend - http://www.tasteofcharlotte.com/) but for a few reasons, didn't feel comfortable accepting the job with such a small company and thus, ended up where i am, working for newell rubbermaid in a pretty wonderful position.

_________________

all that to say that throughout my life, the hardest thing for me has been to make big decisions - how long to stay in one place, when to say 'enough is enough' in a relationship or job that isn't quite where it should be, which dreams to chase and how to measure the motive behind those dreams, if suppressing some of my talents to take a job that i need is settling for the 'good' instead of the 'great.'

i have started thinking about this again lately, trying to focus on the things that i DO have in my life...number one being a job...and trying to figure out where to go from here.

ideally, i would go back to school full-time and get a masters ("in what?" is another question...). unfortunately, these decisions are not that easy due simply to the fact that my medical bills cost a fortune and i don't really have the option to just pick up and go where my heart wanders.

my other option being work and get my masters...or just work and try to get myself where i want to go.

and i guess the hardest question holding me back from making any sort of plan is what in the world do i want to do? a loaded question. sometimes i feel like the easier question might be "what DON'T i want to do?"

a quick laundry list of things i've considered doing with my life:

• tv news anchor
• life coach
• marriage & family counselor
• addictions counselor
• student affairs in higher ed
• concert coordinator/something in the music industry*
• high school teacher**
• writer (nonfiction, but not self-help)
• speech writer
• "motivational" speaker
• President of the US of A

and more recently...

• human resources
• channel marketing
• advertising (for Sharpie!)
• coffee shop or wine bar owner (ha!)
• floral designer (what?!? michelle nurturing plants??)
• sports anchor
• still something in the music industry*
• still, a teacher**

the biggest conclusion i take from this is that the things that make me most excited are the ones with the biggest learning curves and i'm really okay with that. i think i feel as if i'm getting dumber by the day and i don't like that.

so, any thoughts on this from my wonderfully wise friends? maybe i should just take a vote from these lists and make my decision based on the people's concensus.

(and don't even vote for "President" because we all know how well that seems to work for me...and if i had to guess, campbell and america might actually be similar battles during the election process and thereafter...)

and that, my friends, deserves a photo.

pendulum swing

although i know that growing up in a Christian home and never really having 'veered off the path' is a more positive than negative thing (for SURE) in my life, i can see where certain aspects of the Christian culture i've been surrounded by have greatly shaped my outlook on my own life, particularly trying to live a Christian life.

i realize that more and more, especially now that i live outside of the "bubble" i was in for 6 years, (and all the years before that) and it is quite overwhelming most of the time. i find myself inside my head all the time, unable to verbalize all the things that swirl around in my brain because everything i've ever thought about life is being challenged from all angles. i also find myself in constant guilt over even small aspects of my life where i feel like i'm just not living up to my own or other's expectations of what my Christian walk should look like right now.

but someone please tell me...what exactly should my Christian walk look like right now?

the other confusing thing about this constant struggle for any sort of clarity in my life is that any Christian to whom i might pose the question above would answer it differently. (and that doesn't help with the clarity issue)

i've also thought lately about how satan probably very much enjoys his stronghold on my mind -- keeping me so focused on myself and what i'm doing or not doing that i don't have any time or energy left to do anything beneficial for anyone else, especially unbelievers. i wonder what Jesus would say to me...most likely not "michelle, you need to complete the following list of things each day to be a good Christian..." or "here's what a Christian looks like:" followed by a bulleted list of things Christians do and things Christians do not do each day.

i was reading "searching for God knows what" yesterday and definitely have to agree with donald miller's point on Christianity and our logical lists of what identifies a Christian, so that we can make ourselves feel better when we have accomplished said list. it's somewhat mechanical when you think about it. and i think that is what has caused this unrest in my soul - i so fear becoming a Christian robot that i'm having a hard time deciding what a real "Christian in an unChristian world" looks like, at the same time realizing that God spits the likewarm out of his mouth.

does this make any sense to anyone else but me?

(i hope that it does because sometimes i fear i have lost my mind already. and at such a young age. what a shame.)

but i refuse to sit here and make lists of what a 24-almost-25-year-old Christian female looks like! married, single, in a serious relationship, engaged, working for a huge money-centered corporation, working for billy graham, barely making your rent, owning a beautiful townhouse, raising children, having a hard time raising gerbera daisies!!! (guess who that is.)

i don't know if any of it plays a factor in anything or why each of us is where we are in life! but i don't think i can handle another formula on how to live a Christian life, like the Bible is a self-help book when it is actually the story of the Creator of the Universe that we are lucky enough to get to know personally.

(breathe.)

maybe this shouldn't be a public blog. my head is spinning.

from my heart flow...

tina and i went to see natasha bedingfield on wednesday night and i can honestly say it was amazing. luckily, we saw her in a very small venue and her voice is phenomenal!

if you don't know (her), now you know.

read me-linda's blog. she's one of the most intelligent people i've ever met, not to mention incredibly sincere, compassionate and loving. lucky for me, i got to spend a year of my life in the same house with her!
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i've been pretty overwhelmed lately with a lot of things and i can't even begin to explain that right now. i will say that i have realized recently that most of the people i REALLY admire in my life are those who usually sit back and take it all in, most of the time listening to others and just basically soaking in the wisdom. maybe it's because i feel like they are so different from me that i admire them, but i think it's honestly because of the genuineness that pours from their patience and interestedness in other people's lives. so, i am trying to be a better listener and understander (if that was a word).

one thing is for certain, life is a never-ending balancing act. more on that later...

oh american idol, you've done me in again.

my girl went home last night.

as usual, it was emotional. i knew she was going, she knew she was going and honestly, i guess she needed to go if we're talking about voting for the person who sounds the most modern and can change it up every week to keep interest.

but i certainly want her cd. & i'd really like to be her best friend!

honestly, she's just the cutest thing ever and she wears her heart on her sleeve.

so, hats off to brooke white.





















i mean, seriously, who wouldn't love her??

now the support goes to david cook. well, it's been there since the beginning. freakin' a-mazing.

mi casa es su casa

i wanted to post some photos of the new apt, since i know some of you wanted to see it and have not made it down to the QC yet...

the files are huge and there are many of them, so you can go to this link and click on my album to view them: http://www.flickr.com/photos/26144672@N07/

i didn't add my bedroom to the photos yet because it looks like a tornado went through it from traveling so much recently...i hope to add a few tomorrow!

new camera!

i got a new camera yesterday which will hopefully add an incredible amount of happiness to my life - the Canon PowerShot A720!

tomorrow i will post some new pics of my apartment for those of you who have never seen it before, as well as the wonderful daisies i decided to start growing on my porch! :)

if you're on flickr, my name is michelle.ma.belle so add me as a contact! i will also be on snapfish, but i don't know much about that yet.

i don't care WHO you are...

ladies, you can't tell me you don't love this song. most guys probably do too. they would probably say "it's aight" but they are secretly jealous of these dashing good looks and amazing pipes. okay, maybe not.

http://michaelbuble.com/lostvideo

seriously, this is one of those corny songs that a girl like me wants to write off and say "this is what makes us overemotional and crazy because it's not real" but again, this must be my week of surrender. this does me in.

we all know i am a michael buble lover, but if you saw this man in concert, you would swoon too.

6 hour drive of happiness!

i'm going to see lick and nindsay this weekend in virginia for her birthdaaaay!

and thank goodness zack burger lives there too. so i have a date on friday!!

to get ready for this wonderful weekend, i will try to remember how to put pictures on the blog (i'm sure it's much simpler than the way i manually used to put them in html-style)...

me, lindsay and katie at our first spring fling :)

linds and i two nights before her wedding! i think we definitely grew up together over those 5 years!


YIPPEE!!

(yes, this "add image" button makes things quite simple.)

a few [mixed up] thoughts from this restless mind of mine...

i feel like i am losing my ability to think critically. sure, this may be a good thing in some ways, but i tend to get nervous about the fact that much of my day-to-day work is incredibly mindless and repetitive. don't get me wrong - i really love my job and the opportunities that lie ahead of me, but right now i'm wondering how i'd ever make it through another interview and sound like i have motivation and drive, let alone any critical/creative thinking skills. or any wit.

it also doesn't help the situation that i am my own best friend here at good 'ol lake norman and so i talk to myself inside my head all day and night long. maybe i was just spoiled by college and the fact that there were always plenty of good friends around to stimulate my mind with good, intelligent, thought-provoking conversation. maybe i need to read/write blogs more, read the newspaper and strike up a deep, philosophical conversation with the person on the eliptical next to me at the gym? okay, maybe not that far.

it just seems like i am losing my sense-making already, which makes me start thinking i'm old already and losing my mind.

anyway, i'm sure you are dying to read my thoughts after that introduction, but here they are:

• i am having a hard time being a Christian that moved to an unfamiliar area and took an unfamiliar job. i knew this was coming, so i don't know why it surprises me, but i have noticed lately that's it's a lot easier for me to be around non-Christians than Christians because with Christians, it feels like i'm walking into a high pressure situation - especially at a singles group (which i almost refuse to be a part of at this point b/c of my own bias). the thing is, you can almost guess what most non-Christians are like - what they do, what they don't do, what they care about, etc. but there are SO many different types (is that the right word?) of Christians that it's hard to guess what they do/don't do, what they believe/don't believe, what would shock them, what would make them laugh, whether or not they would go have a beer with you at happy hour or if they would rather be chatting it up at starbucks. or if they even leave the house on the weekends.
• i am also having a hard time with this "one day at a time" concept that i struggle so consistently with. i know that today (4/22/08), i, michelle efird, have a job, some work friends to cook dinner for and that i will probably go to the gym tonight. i also realize that i live by myself and don't have a boyfriend or even a potential date so i don't know why i constantly wish for that to change and that this part of my life would be over and done with. i know that's a desire of my heart, but i also know that i should probably enjoy this season of my life and also that it could change in an instant and never be the same - why is this such a drive for me? it really hasn't been that way for a long time, so to my independent self, it's almost like admitting defeat to say these things. ahh, well. i wave the white flag.
• i just feel like things in my life have no rhyme or reason right now. because i feel this way, i have almost been forcing myself into things that might provide "rhyme or reason" including, but not limited to, working with the arthritis foundation, working here and there with the youth group at the church i've been going to, attending small group, etc. none of these things have actually kept me interested and i finally decided last week that i don't have to force myself to do things because i feel like i should. if my heart isn't there, that's just how it is. i have actually run across younglife in this area, which is something that definitely sparked my interest, so i'm hoping that i might become involved there as well as the children's hospital uptown.
• help. anyone, help. i need sensible, inspiring people to talk to about life, so i'm going to have to settle for reading it on blog comments.

i want you to know that i miss you if you don't live near me or if i don't talk to you often. life is so interesting and things change so quickly - it's amazing how quickly you can lose touch with someone that you used to know like the back of your hand. that certainly doesn't mean you don't care, and it doesn't mean that when you hear something wonderful or sad about the goings-on in their lives, you don't feel the same emotions that they do. some people you're just connected to. some people you just "get."

do what you feel!

i started private dance lessons yesterday. i learned rumba, salsa and swing.

lesson for the day, mentioned to me by a friend:

"if you post that you want to do something on your facebook for more than a year, you need to just do it."

'tis true!

i want to sing in a band. not a "we actually want to make it" band, but a band that just likes to sing/play and maybe sings as a favor here and there and gets paid gas money.

i'm not a phenomenal singer, so i've never actually voiced the fact that i want to sing out loud with people watching, but it's true.

anyone want to start a makeshift band with me that lives in my area? (ha.)

Jesus is not the reason for the season.

she will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because He will save his people from their sins."

all this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: "the virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel"—which means, "God with us."

matthew 1:21-23
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i heard an incredible message at a service i went to at cricket arena this morning with my family. the pastor asked the question "is Jesus the reason for the season?" followed, of course, by a sea of people responding "yes!" before he said "don't answer this before you hear the message...i'm tricking you."

[this guy also looked just liked tyler durden from fight club. don't know why, but i just had to say that.]

the scripture was matthew 1:21-23 and the pastor spoke about how Jesus is not the reason for this season. the reason for the season is me. it's you. Jesus' birth would have been irrelevant if it weren't for those He came to save. if it weren't for sinful people, Jesus wouldn't had to have come in the flesh and died for all of us.

we could not get to Jesus, so He came to us. we can't get to Him today with good deeds, unceasing prayer, by going to church everyday or anything else we try to do to "get to Jesus." He comes to us. daily, hourly, every minute of the day He is with us. God with us. oh, how we tend to forget.

Jesus did not need this "season." He is the reason for everything, year-round. WE are the reason for the season of His birth and we should rejoice in the fact that the most precious gift we ever received was sent to meet us where we're at.

what a refreshing message to hear this morning! i would probably have to say that the past few months of my life have been the most challenging i've ever experienced personally, and i was having a hard time even remembering that Christmas is in two days. i came into the season exhausted all-around and unfortunately feel like i haven't even had an hour to think outside of myself and get into "the spirit." and being the Christmassy jinglchelle that i am, it's been hard for me to feel like i'm just going to have to let this season pass me by and put on a fake smile and get through the holidays. i desperately needed to hear those words from God.

people often ask me why i pray so hard for God's will or why i really do want to do what God wants for my life. they ask why i don't just go completely selfish for awhile and try to make things happen for myself because obviously i can always go back to my roots -- why not take a little time to do what michelle wants instead of worrying about God all the time. i've thought about that a lot lately, because honestly, answering "because i love God" or "because we're supposed to" just doesn't cut it for me. and that's not why i do it. the reason i want to please God is that it's the least i can do. plain and simple, no fancy explanation...i don't see much point to a life lived for myself - a life that satisfies for a season and leaves you completely dissatisfied in an instant.

God sent his son to be born on earth to die for me. i'm the reason and i never quite got it. and now i feel "the Spirit" in a completely different way that i ever have at Christmas - God with us.

i'm thinking i'm going to buckle down and start writing the book i've always wanted to. i do need people to keep on me about this, b/c i'm used to at least semi-instant gratification and this could take years. but i really want to do it. and i want to speak about it when it's done.

long-term goals, people!

if anyone has anything to say about this...anything at all...let's hear it!

(especially if you're an editor, artist, photographer, etc...and i know way too many of those, so c'mon people...)

i think that i think too hard
and i don't give enough credit to my heart

i need Thee every hour

i don't know if i'm just emotional or what (well, i KNOW that i AM emotional, but i don't know how much more or less than anyone else)...

but it seems like everyday is a roller coaster for me lately. and everyday i also come to a point where i am completely content and at peace with my faith in God and not understanding and controlling everything around me, even if it's only for an hour before bed...

then i wake up again in the morning and start over. dang it! i find myself praying every night "Lord, please help me to remember this mindset and peace tomorrow when i start to feel overwhelmed or upset" and it does seem to get a little easier each day.

good thing God doesn't give up on me. i'd give up on me.

"do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will."
romans 12:2

i feel like i should put a disclaimer on this post.

i hate being a girl sometimes.

a lot of times.

if you're a girl, you understand. if you're a boy, it might be a good idea to read this for understanding; however, i will tell you upfront that you will never completely understand. there is no explaining the mind and moods of a female. if i can't do it, then surely you can't.

but hey, that's what makes us mysterious and attractive, right?

sick.
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interestingly enough, i am having a big, long conversation with my "ex" online right now (sorry to refer to you that way, but i guess it's true?!) about how i've completely screwed myself over in terms of relationships since we broke up almost two years ago.

i won't go into all the gory details, but basically i was so afraid to commit to someone again for a certain period of time that i ended up hurting other people who were interested in me and who i actually really did care about. then, when i was finally ready to commit, it was to someone even more commitment-phobic than myself.

so here i sit, burned and broken...not angry, not mad...i really don't hold any of this against anyone at all b/c i have understanding of what happened, but i fear that it will be a difficult thing for me to believe that someone has solid, non-sketchy, strong, shout-it-from-the-rooftops feelings about me again and that really makes my heart ache because that is what i want. and that is what i want to be for someone else.

i guess it makes me the most sad b/c i used to be a person who had complete confidence in my relationships -- in the other person and in myself -- and now after this ridiculous drama-filled time in my life, i feel sometimes like i have a very weak person leftover to show for it.

am i making any sense?

then there's the L-O-V-E word. i feel like i have been so overwhelmed by people who express their "love" for me repeatedly with their words and emotions that i wonder if i can ever get back to the place where i have a pure understanding of the word "love" used in a romantic relationship. not to mention the fact that many times, these words were not followed up by actions and therefore have made me into an untrusting, paranoid mess. (not good since i am a firm believer in "luv is a verb" -- thank you, dc talk)

all-in-all, i hope and pray that i will be able to have enough patience and discernment to know when God calls me into a relationship so that i don't further the craziness that is michelle efird.

see, i told you that you would/wouldn't understand.
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are not five sparrows sold for two pennies?
yet not one of them is forgotten by God.
indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered.
don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
luke 12:6-7

what a week.

it has been quite the week. thursday on my lunch break, i called my mom only to find out that she was on her way to the hospital to consent to moving my grandmother to hospice and cutting her off all treatment besides oxygen and medication to ease the pain. i packed my things and headed home that afternoon.

there are so many things running through my mind right now that i want to write about...so many things i've thought about, questioned, been blessed by, etc. a few things:

• i am seriously overwhelmed by God's blessing of the friendships in my life; i am not talking about acquaintances (which are good to), but i'm talking serious, true, deeply caring people in my life that surround me on a daily basis. of course, some of those friends are the ones i live with or interact with daily and spend lots of time with, but some of them are even those i don't get to see that often or talk to, but we love and care about each other as if we spoke everyday. i spent the night in the hospital on thursday night so that my mom could try to get some sleep, and i had friends calling and staying up online to talk with me so i could stay awake. i know that people have felt like they can't "do" anything for me right now, but just knowing people truly care is quite enough.
• i won't really go in depth about this right now, but i am amazed at how quickly this life will go by. i hope and pray that at the end of my life, i am pleased with the focus of my life...and above all, that God is pleased.
• i was watching a video on our grace website just now (http://graceccnc.org/ - it's called "Easter Sunday testimonials"), and cannot control my tears about the truth that speaks through it to me. on the video, josh comments about some things that have happened in his life this year, saying that it was definitely God trying to get his attention. i see that so many times in my life, and although those times are usually utterly painful, i am so thankful. i praise God that He cares enough to help me re-focus my life and put things in perspective. and from all these lessons, i am usually able to help others go through the same things.

i came back to buies creek yesterday for lindsay's shower, and i am continually blessed by being a part of her whole wedding process, and hopefully learning a lot ahead of time. :) it was a really good time and it was great to be with people who mean a lot to me.

this morning, i found out that nanna passed away at 6am. it's somewhat surreal and i wondered if i would be upset if something happened while i was gone, but honestly i think God was protecting me. i think it might have been too hard to be there when she actually passed away. and i did get to talk to her a few times while i was home when she was awake, so that's what i'm thankful for.

thank you all so much for your thoughts, prayer and phone calls...they have truly helped me to get through this time. please continue to pray for my family, specifically for my mom and grandfather.

12:30am?? Good time to write, of course.

it seems that i am continually reminded of how undeserving i am of God's grace, and of the blessings He pours on me.

consequently, i am also reminded of how selfish i am towards the people around me...hoarding everything that i am blessed with as if it was deserved.

i was so thankful that lindsay reminded me of this verse this week:

"freely you have received,
freely give."
[matthew 10:8]

so many times, i get caught up in what i want, what i deserve, how i feel, what's not fair to me and what i just can't understand when really, i don't deserve anything. i don't deserve what i want or good feelings and i certainly don't truly want what would be "fair" to me. and obviously, i will never be able to understand everything and if i could, i'd worship myself (which all too often, is what it seems when i convince myself that i'm pretty dang smart).

a good friend (and student) of mine recently reminded me that when God promises you things for your life, He does them. it sounds simple, but when you start to worry about your life, it's easy to forget. even though it might sometimes feel like God has forgotten the desires that He put in my heart, He most certainly has not and i know that He will remain faithful to me b/c He never fails. i think it's extremely hard for us to trust someone that deeply...trusting that God will never, ever fail us...b/c we really have no tangible concept of infallibility. we fail others (and ourselves) everyday, over and over, and other people fail us too, so it's hard to put complete and total faith in someone, especially someone we can't visibly see. this causes us to worry and be overwhelmed, creates pressure and bad, split-second, emotional decisions b/c we feel like we have to control what happens to us...that there is no way things will work out unless we do it ourselves.

so i'm working on trust and recognizing how selfless God is with me, and how important it is for me to show that selflessness to everyone i encounter...friends, perceived "enemies," people who have hurt me, people who take advantage of me, people who don't like me one bit. who am i to judge, and play favorites and choose who i will love and who i will refuse love to?

"by this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you love one another."
[john 13:35]

lots on my mind.

what's on my mind? a better question would be "what's NOT on my mind?"

now, i know i give tons of "advice" and hopefully help a handful of people, but i still come home everyday and wonder what in the world i'm doing. we talked about a lot tonight in Bible study, b/c i just decided to go ahead and throw all my questions out on the table...it definitely helped me to sort through things a little more, but i wanted to put in my two cents about college dating (this goes out to some of my admissions students, as well as myself, of course.)

• as far as relationships go, i think that when you're in college it's really easy to get wrapped up in who fits correctly into your lifestyle or friend group, or who everyone tells you would be "perfect" for you or looks "cute" with you. i've realized, even just shy of one year out, that none of that matters (and i wish i had thought more about it before i graduated). what it really comes down to is who would you be stoked about outside of your college setting...when you're not student body president or a star athlete or mr. personality on campus. who will you be just fine with when no one remembers that about you, and who can you laugh with even when things absolutely suck? who will be able to pray for you and be with you through the hardest things you'll ever go through, and be incredibly excited during the biggest joys? who will you still love even when they piss you off beyond belief and you want to hit them (b/c let's face it, that will happen)? basically, who are you willing to experience life with...all of it, even the stuff you don't know about yet (and that's a risky gamble). i'm not saying you'll definitely find someone in college, but it's just something to think about while you're looking.

i know that might sound corny, but it's really true. yep.

whew.

so much to think about after home fellowship every week, for sure. a few highlights and things that we continued to talk about in the car on the way home...

• brad mentioned tonight how different it is to live in america, and i started thinking about how much that has effected the way i view God, Christianity, heaven, the purpose of life, etc. sadly, i realized in the car that i don't have a huge desire for heaven...i don't think about it very often b/c, to be honest, i really don't have it bad here. i started talking about it in the car and nick mentioned the fact that so many times, we think about heaven as more of a "materialistic" thing. as immature as this sounds, it was like a light when off in my head that i haven't really thought about often, if even at all. when i think of heaven, i try to imagine the "streets of gold" and all the "beauty" that we will find, but that doesn't really appeal to me because i'm quite satisfied with the things i see on this earth. when i do this, i am ignorantly forgetting that when i get to heaven, i will have a full and complete knowledge of God -- and this is what i crave each and every day in my life and in my prayers. i can't even fathom how wonderfully satisfying and awesome it will be to understand everything i've struggled with or blindly had faith in for so long. not to mention the fact that i will be completely physically healed; this in itself is absolutely enough for me to long for because i have no concept of that feeling. i have always believed that i am luckier having never felt "normal" when it comes to my physical state, but when i think about heaven, i definitely consider myself luckier to feel complete healing from this earthly, broken body. the thought actually makes me want to weep.
• brad also talked about how in other countries, people are "fatalistic," meaning that they wake up everyday with the expectation that things are going to be bad or even that they may die from the various things they deal with or encounter on a daily basis, whereas in america we are the opposite. we wake up everyday with the expectation that things BETTER go our way, or we are completely thrown off with nothing but pity for ourselves. this is exactly what i deal with on a daily basis, and the part of me that i am so trapped inside and loathe at the same time. what an interesting country we live in; a blessing a curse, as so many things are in life (the curse being our own fault, of course).
• justine also brought up how we are to figure out what to do with our lives, and we discussed that on the way home. we talked about something donnie said a few weeks ago, when he said that the job we use as a source of income on earth is really just a means to do what we are really here for on earth. this is really important to me where i am in life right now, b/c i have a hard time justifying doing anything outside "the ministry" b/c of how unimportant i tend to think everything else is...but at the same time, i don't feel a calling to be in "the ministry," or what people generally think of that as. interesting stuff.

actually, i think that's enough for tonight. my little human brain can't take much more at this point.

down to earth

Jesus was a human being just like me. i have to keep telling myself that.

actually, a LOT worse happened to Him than has or probably will ever happen to me. and most importantly, He knows how i feel. i tend to forget that and believe it impossible in my times of self pity and in bitter sadness and upset. but He certainly knows how i feel when i cry out to Him and that is so comforting. He will take care of me.

i was reminded during my trip to ohio that God has already promised us so many things in our lives. He also has a purpose for us and regardless of ourselves, as long as we genuinely desire it, He will do what He wants with us. i had a really remarkable talk/prayer with a student/friend of mine in ohio who God used to literally speak to me through. it was absolutely amazing, something i don't think i've ever quite experienced in my life and something that i hope to experience repeatedly.

it was so comforting...i have been praying for months saying "i feel like i never know what You want me to do...i can guess, i can try, i can pray all i want, but i know i'll never get an email or a phone call from You telling me what to do about all these things that i an anxious and unsure about. i can't see you or hear you or even sometimes feel You and i wish things were more clear b/c i'm more scared of ME screwing things up than You." so God used someone else to talk straight to me. prayer is good.

He told me to keep doing what i'm doing and spoke directly to me about specific things i had been praying about. even though some of these things weren't exactly what i would have liked to hear, i felt completely at peace b/c i knew it was God speaking to me.

i won't really detail anymore here, but if you're interested in hearing about it, i would love to share. it's just too much to write on here, too hard to explain. but i did want to share the point, and that is prayer. there is nothing else we can really do to save ourselves from ourselves.
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i have also realized that i would probably recognize and understand what God wants for my life more easily if i actually knew God better. it's just like your friends and family: i know exactly how my best friends and family members would react in any situation, how they would reason it out and what they would tell me to do. if i knew God half as well as i know my best friends, i would really probably do better at making decisions about my own life and reaching out to other people in their lives. how do we do that? pray, read the Bible...

[side tangent: why in the world do i have such a problem finding time to read the Bible when it's basically an instruction book for my life?!?! i
certainly have time to listen to music and go out to dinner and work out when i want to]

...meditate on the Word, and on God Himself and simply talk to Him and let Him speak to you.
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i also think i've finally realized how God speaks to me. i've always been jealous of people who said "God spoke to me...blah, blah" b/c i was always thinking "HOW does He speak to you?!?!" God speaks to me when i meditate...meaning, when i actually turn off the music in my car or lay in bed at night and talk to God and sit and let Him put thoughts in my head instead of filling them up with my own. God "speaks" to me when i get ideas...things that i know i didn't come up with on my own or things that i say to people that i never even thought of until they came out of my mouth. it's refreshing to say "i didn't think of that at all" b/c i know God has spoken to me and through me.

just like He did through my student, who i am so thankful for. :)

why do we have emotions??

any takers? i'm plumb out of answers for that question.

maybe, instead of trying so hard to learn more about MYSELF,

i should try to learn more about GOD.*

by doing that, i would (hopefully) learn more about myself anyway, since i was (gracefully) made in His image.



*note: by the way, why isn't this an easy concept, since we have something in print to teach us about God. there's nothing in print to teach me about myself. at least i hope not.



i've heard about "meditating on God" and "on God's Word" for my whole life. i am so thankful for finally learning how important that is, even if i'm learning in little bits and pieces.

even if you don't have a Bible with you, talk to God and meditate with God. things will come to you like they never have before, and that's because it's not you.

"but He said to me,
'My grace is sufficient for you,
for My power is made perfect in weakness.'

therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses,
so that Christ's power may rest on me.

that is why, for Christ's sake,
i delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships,
in persecutions, in difficulties.
for when I am weak, then I am strong."

.2 corinthians 12:9-10.

la vita e bella

i've just finished off a really weird week.

now, i have had some WEIRD weeks in my life, but this one has been particularly interesting in a number of situations that have really already taught me a lot about myself and life in general.

i found out on saturday that linda talley, wife of my pastor brad at grace, has an inoperable brain tumor. they found out saturday after linda had been feeling dizzy and light-headed for the week prior.

we found out today that it is malignant and is actually a very aggressive form of cancer, leaving her with radiation as her only option, and an estimated 2-3 months.

i just cannot imagine what that is like. today we got an email saying they were going to break the news slowly to her over the next few days...then later in the day, we received one saying "linda wants to live, but she is resting in God's decision. she believes that He has the best plans for her."

linds and i talked about this yesterday for awhile, and i really think that the reason it upsets me so much is for brad. of course i'm upset for linda and that she has to go through this and the treatments, etc. but to be honest, i think i would rather be linda than brad right now...i would rather be the one thinking about leaving than thinking about being left here.

i could go on forever about all the things i am already realizing from this whole situation and i am just ONE person! i am SO thankful for the connection i have to grace this year...i don't think i have ever really felt a "burden" for someone else like i feel for brad and linda. i know it's not nearly what they're feeling, but i have never wept over anyone outside of my family before and that connection amazes me. what a blessing my home fellowship & grace have been in my life.

i also realize that i have no concept of what God can do with a situation like this...who it will reach, who it will inspire, who it will touch. i have NO concept. i know this b/c even when i catch a little glimpse, i am overwhelmed. thank goodness God doesn't reveal things to us all at once; i am too weak to handle even small servings.

i can also see the importance of the person you choose to spend your life with. of COURSE, it's not something i've ever taken lightly or anything, but we get so caught up in the hear and now...and in things that really don't matter...constant attention, good looks, the way a person makes you "feel all giddy inside." i am certain that when brad and linda decided to get married, they had NO idea that linda would NEED brad in her life for this specific situation. he is just who she needs to encourage, strengthen and love her, and she is just what he neesd right now too. i have to believe that God will do the same for me. give me faith in someone who will be exactly what i need. i have no basis for making that decision right now b/c i don't know what the future holds, so i am thankful that i can let God make that decision clear for me.

there are so many more things i could say, but right now i am completely overwhelmed. just two weeks ago at home fellowship, linda and i talked through dinner, discussing my arthritis and everything that came with it. she felt awful that she never knew before, and i told her it's something i don't really realize that most people don't know about, b/c for so many years of my life, it was much more obvious than it is now. she and i discussed treatments and diets and she gave me recommendations for those things...she was so concerned about my life and really understanding everything about my condition. i am especially thankful for that conversation.

a very close "friend" of mine reminded me today that this is not over. there is hope for linda, b/c this is just prognosis and frankly, b/c of God. we can pray and weep and study together and see if God wills that linda make it through this. there is definitely hope, so i don't want to sound like it's finished. i KNOW it's not in more ways than one. but i have learned so much already, and at the expense of someone who is a constant and shining example of God's love and grace.

i'm sure i'll have more to say tonight after home fellowship...

james 4:13-15:

13Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." 14Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."

read the whole chapter...it's good.

a change would do you good.

why do we worry so much about our lives?!?

...what we look like everyday, what we're going to do this weekend, how much money we don't have to buy the things we want (notice i said want), etc.

especially when there are SO many other things in the world to worry about, mostly outside of this wonderful country we call america.

i think there are a number of reasons we still worry about ourselves, but probably mostly b/c we're ignorant to what's going on outside of our own little bubbles. and that's our own faults.

• have you ever heard of the "kimberley process," a joint agreement between government, civil society and the international diamond industry made to stem the flow of conflict diamonds (rough diamonds used my rebels in africa to finance way against their government)? you might have seen the movie "blood diamond" and came home saying "i don't even want a diamond now..." but that's not the point. fair diamond trade supports an estimated 10 million people globally, including the basis for much of the african government. be sure your diamonds are conflict free. when you buy conflict free diamonds, you could actually change someone's life in africa...for example, there are actually government-funded education and medical programs whose money comes solely from diamond trade.
• did you know that very recently, starbucks refused to negotiate trade agreements with ethiopia unless they agreed to play by starbucks' own terms? ethiopia filed last year to trademark three of their most famous coffees, allowing them to make more money off of their trade (an estimated 88 million more per year to be exact). this would also allow farmers to receive a greater share of the retail value, enabling better life in ethiopia. so what can you do? boycott starbucks?? i'm sure if YOU boycott starbucks, they will become open-minded and trade fairly...probably unrealistic. but maybe you could not go to the barista so often and save the $ you spend each month on coffee (maybe make it in your own kitchen??) and give that to an organization that does have the means to help intervene in this situation. (like oxfam international)

these are just two simple examples of things i have learned about very recently, which i've decided to actually look into and not just "protest" -- to actually find out what we can do to change things for the world.

when i start to read about these things and think about the blessings i have in my ABUNDANT life and the things i take for granted each day, life doesn't seem so bad. let's get real.

READ more (i don't think we know how to read in american half the time...i know i don't)

http://www.oxfamamerica.org/

http://www.diamondfacts.org/

or, even start simple...make your homepage cnn.com or something instead of espn or the always lovely facebook.com where we waste at least an hour a day.

honestly, it'll change your life. and other people's lives, most importantly.

it's very obvious to me that something in my life needs to change.

i don't think i'm actually depressed everyday or something, but i really do feel unhappy most of the time. i really can't pinpoint any one reason i feel this way either.

i do wonder a lot whether i've made wrong choices in the past or done something to "deserve" the way i feel, but deep down, i know that's not what God does. He actually does the opposite by providing us grace, but that still leaves me wondering why i feel like a mess all the time.

am i not taking advantage of the opportunities that will fulfill my life? i pray all the time that i will, and i pray to see the opportunities and that i might be used regardless of my stupid self-pity state. i love my church and my home fellowship makes my week every tuesday and i literally come home thinking "why do i worry if i truly believe God is taking care of me?" but sometimes i think i'm more worried/scared about MY part in my life than God's...yeah, i definitely am.

and to be quite honest, i'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that i feel like i'm finally ready to commit myself to another person again and i think i have much more of a perspective of what that means for me and i feel completely certain that i can do it, but there's no one to do that with.

as usual, i prayed/yelled with God in the car the other night, wondering out loud why i am by myself right now and why my desire for that type of companionship will not go away even though i constantly ask for it to be taken away so i can focus on other things. i told Him that i realize i was not made to be alone, and that i also don't think there will ever come a time where i feel like i'm "ready" for a relationship...i can't pray enough, think enough or even see enough counselors to make me feel like i can say "okay, i'm perfectly ready for this." i want someone just as crazy as me who i can go through crazy life with. to push me and challenge me, and let me do the same thing for them. to learn with and from. i realize that i can do things on my own...that i'm not paralyzed without "someone," but i feel that i could do 10x more with the right person b/c of encouragement and enthusiasm and someone to share my everyday, stupid, boring life with.

and that's the end for today. sorry this isn't fancy.

catharsis

"you know somebody, and they cry for you.
they stay awake at night and dream of you.
i bet you never even know they do,
but somebody's crying for you."

whew.

every day this week has been "one of those days."

i'm pretty sure guys cannot relate, but the ones where i know that it would be very beneficial if i just went to bed instead of thinking about my life b/c i feel so crazy and might do or say something stupid. and i know that if i just go to sleep, i will feel differently in the morning.

plus, i've been sick & can't even go to the doctor right now b/c i'm still figuring out my insurance nonsense, which is a 5-page post in itself.

i just want a little bit of order in my life, and i have none.

i don't like this 'growing up' business.

fall on your knees

**This is going to be very “stream of consciousness,” so please bear with me…I promise there’s a point.**

I should really start praying and thinking more in the car rather than listening to my bangin’ rap and pop music that’s going to cause total hearing loss before I’m 30.

(although I do love my bangin’ music…)

Last night as I drove the 40-minute drive back from Cameron Village from dinner with a wonderful friend of mine, I decided that I was not going to listen to my music for a change and talk to God. When I’m in the car by myself and praying, I talk out loud, usually pretty intensely depending on the conversation, but let’s face it: at this point of uncertainty in my life, it’s mostly pretty intense. It’s very cathartic.

So many times in my life, I feel like a “baby Christian,” because I need and ask for so much from God – affirmation, comfort, joy, wisdom, strength – and that’s all in a day’s work. I find myself praying for such specific things, most of which the average person might consider small and insignificant. But they are things I need…simple things that show me that I’m on the right path, even when I feel like I’m walking blindly. I think that I tend to beat myself up for this because I feel like I should be more “mature” in my faith or to the point where I don’t pray about everyday, “petty” little things like “God, please somehow keep me busy for the next hour” so I don’t get too upset about life. But I’ve decided that it doesn’t matter what you pray about because the big man wants to hear it all. He already knows it, but He would rather hear it from you than just do the supernatural thing.
__________________________

Have you ever had one of those moments in life where everything makes sense? I have them every once in awhile and some of them are a lot greater and more defined than others.

There was the time when I was telling Katie Beck about my 3rd grade school picture when I sported my jingle bell necklace, when suddenly I realized that I definitely was born with Christmas spirit; it’s not something that came with age and appreciation.

Then there was the vivid time in my car my junior year when I told God that if He wanted me to live a risky & uncertain but loving & fulfilling life, He had my permission (as if He needed that, but I think it was the time where I decided to surrender my idealistic view of what lay ahead of me).

There was also last fall at Thanksgiving, when my mom asked me to speak to the children at her church about growing up with arthritis and encourage them about the times when they feel ‘different’ from everyone else. It wasn’t until mom was introducing me with a story about the time when I was in a coma that I realized that I am the reason my mom’s vocation changed from nursing to children’s ministry, because my parents don’t tell me these things. I guess they don’t want to make me feel bad about how hard it is when I was small, but I informed them that I would really like to know, so they’re getting better about it.

Last night was another one of those revelation nights. I was praying and rattling off all the people in my life who I’m thankful for and why, praying for each one of them in their specific situations. Because last year was such an odd year compared to what I thought it would be, I was blessed to have Lindsay in the next room, who was always there to listen to and encourage me each day. I also had Katie and Clayton, who were always there to provide support and love, along with major entertainment and uncontrollable laughter when things weren’t going so well and unbridled joy when things were fantastic. And if for some reason both of them weren’t there at the same time, at least one was always by my side. That’s just how it was. And I got spoiled.
__________________________

So, as you can imagine, life after college has been a real shock for me. And so, last night as I was praying for and about Melinda, I thanked God for allowing things to work out so that we could live together, even though we work at least 40 minutes apart. I have no doubt that God knew I was not fit to live alone this year, and that I am definitely in major need of someone to talk to in order to save my sanity and provide insight. Then I said “I know that You are there all the time, but I really do thank You for providing a person for me to talk to each day because it’s just so hard sometimes since You’re not tangibly here in front of me.”

Then I realized something that might sound completely elementary to most people, but it is the truth of Christmas: Jesus Christ was a human just like us. He grew up and went to school and worked each day and felt the things that we feel in our hearts each day – grief, happiness, sorrow, excitement, love, separation, joy! I think it’s so hard to imagine that the unseen Jesus that we pray to once lived here on this earth; I feel like many times it’s so unimaginable that we don’t even try to understand it or think about what it might have been like. Jesus was sent to die for us, and along the way He experienced what it’s like to live on this crazy earth…life with emotions and uncertainty and questioning.

With that said, I definitely believe that He knows how I’m feeling and what I need on a daily basis. I feel like I got a small taste of the importance of Christmas in the car last night, and I am satisfied.

out of control.

my life is out of control right now, in the sense that i am not IN control of anything. i think that's a good thing, and the way it's supposed to be right now, but i'm not gonna' lie, it scares me to death.

i'm used to being in control of most things in life and semi- knowing what lies ahead for me. right now? not so much.

there's so much that i could say about it, but basically, i just feel like i have no idea where i'm headed in any area of my life and i have to totally trust that God is leading me in the right direction regardless of myself. i feel like i'm just blindly handing it all over and that's really hard.

i definitely think i'm supposed to be learning trust and patience right now. trust in God and in man...patience, as in not scrambling to put my own life together for fear that i'm WAY behind everyone else and letting God have control of those areas of my life that i struggle to have faith in.

with Christmas just around the corner, this is very hard for me because it brings an uneasy feeling to a season where i would normally feel completely "whole" and warm and fuzzy. but i am learning a lot and this Christmas could just be the most real i've experienced thus far.

i lovelovelove homecoming!

even if it is only a saturday event for me this year :)

behind the melody, the words don't mean a thing

a few thoughts for this week from my introspective self:

• i really enjoy watching people do what they love. toni-lyn came to stay with melinda and i on saturday night, so we went with her to see the "like a love affair" show at cafe decor and more, a coffee shop on main street. ryan jernigan plays guitar and sings lead vocals, and i can't tell you how much i loved watching him do something he loves. i don't even know ryan all that well, but we've had a few really good converstations (one in goodyear a couple years ago when ryan had just come back from touring with another band) and i do like it when we run into each other. and, to be honest, "like a love affair" would probably not be something that i would listen to on a regular basis, but i had a great time at the show because i do appreciate the music and especially the apparent passion the band had about their music.

• it's funny how weather effects me. i don't mean my "mood" necessarily, but how it effects what i want to do during the day. when it's rainy, i always want to stay in and watch a movie or curl up in a blanket and fall asleep watching tv and drinking hot chocolate. when it's sunny, i'm ready to go out and exercise, do random things like thrift store shopping or university photo shoots. i was sitting outside today before jeanna came to get me for lunch, thinking about how this overcast day makes me want to relax and chill, whether it be just going out and having dinner and a movie, or staying in and getting things together in the apartment before bedtime. it's not because the weather puts me in a "good" or "bad" mood, it's just that it really effects what i think i should do after i get off work at 5pm. i know this is probably something that everyone has already thought about, but i think it's pretty amazing how the condition of the sky effects my productivity and choice of activities each day!

• i'm old. okay, i'm not really old, but i feel old. i come to work each day, do some type of dinner, hang out for a bit and head to bed. that's it! no more surprises really...just a pretty routine schedule. but THAT is not why i feel old. i feel old because i'm OKAY with that. i enjoy the routine....i want to relax at night instead of being crazy busy....i want to come home and talk to the same few people everyday about life to get their insight and to hear about their days....and this, my friends, means i'm not in college anymore. i'm not into being overwhelmed and busy; i don't crave drama and excitement like i used to....and i don't care what anybody says, we all through that stage in life where we crave drama -- maybe not consciously -- but everyone wants to be in the middle of things and have something to talk about and someone to talk about. to me, this is a nice and semi-hilarious pasttime, but certainly not something that i feel i will ever want to be a part of again. thank goodness.

• i've been thinking a lot about something we discussed in our home fellowship 3 weeks ago: God created us in His image. this means we were created to dominate and have domain on the earth. in a sinless world, this would be absolute perfection. but because we are sinful creatures, this dominant tendency gets the best of us most (all) of the time. i don't know about anyone else, but i honestly let out a sigh of relief when i realized that i was created to dominate. it really does explain a lot of my tendencies and struggles...and why i always feel like i need to be in control of my life. now, that doesn't mean i can just let it go b/c "i was created that way," but at least i realize that God knows why i am the way i am because HE is that way, and that i can work through it with His help. this also explains why God is so attractive to most people (whether they believe in Him or not, they are drawn to the idea and intrigued). we are attracted to dominant people! if i could dominate God, i would just take care of myself! but i can't, so i am absolutely in awe of him. it's the same way with people that we are romantically attracted to, or even just attracted to as friends. everyone i know that i am completely attracted to (in any way, shape or form) has something or does something that totally dumbfounds me because i can't do it myself. i think that's really interesting. and i hope it makes sense to anyone else when i say it out loud (or on here..haha).

• i LOVE working with my students at work. and we're going on a field trip on monday to las brisas! seriously, i loooove them; they're awesome & they make my day!

ANYWAY, it's fall break this week for the students so we get friday off! lindsay, nick, justine and i are headed to my house to see my DOMINATING brother (awesome photo from the paper below) play football and chill out for the weekend and i'm excited! my parents and brother are also coming here the next weekend for homecoming so that my little brother can escort me at the game!! my favorite time of the year and really the last time i get to "participate."

one more fyi: campbell beat the #3-ranked UNC Tarheels Men's Soccer team last night 1-0 in a non-conference game. that's what i'm talking about. bleed orange, people. bleed orange.

for starters...

can you even begin to imagine the desperation people must have felt before Jesus walked the earth and was sacrificed? so many rules and regulations, specific procedures to follow, and no real hope that this would ever change. if you weren't royalty, there was really nothing exciting in life...the same thing day in and day out. and if you were, i believe there was a feeling deep inside that there was no point to all that you were doing. i think everyone has that type of feeling until they know Christ. i do think "weariness" is such a great word for what people must have felt.

the only thing that i can see that helped people to carry on was that small inkling of hope given to them by the prophets that there might actually be a Savior coming to change their lives, without any real understanding of quite how incredible that change would be. i mean, honestly, how could you even conceive of the fact that one person could come to earth in the flesh and be sacrificed so that rules, regulations, legalism, the curtain, etc. could all be done away with when those are the only things you've ever known? to me, that must have been absolutely incredible.

this is why my favorite (Christmas) song is "o holy night"...really my favorite song ever.

long lay the world,
in sin and error pining,
'til He appeared & the soul felt it's worth

the thrill of hope,
the weary world rejoices,
for yonder breaks a new & glorious morn.

_________________

in other news, i am really excited about the change of seasons. the weather is absolutely beautiful this week and i am so excited to be getting into the fall (which is pretty unusual if you know me)

this is quite a step for me, since i really do loathe the cold weather and i have seriously considered relocating to a place where there is no fall or winter, just warmth. but this year i think i have changed my mind...i don't think i could do without fall.

i simply LOVE the thought of lindsay's warm mountain apple cider, the state fair, hayrides and pumpkins, coming in at night and drinking hot chocolate to warm up, homecoming and sweaters and scarfs.
i think it's romantic.

anyway, i was just thinking about that first part of the entry and couldn't wait to write it. i'll update more later!

wow!

lots on my mind.

i need to update. and i will. soon.

talk to me,

not about me. please.

the tongue is like a sharp knife for sure...

finally, i have a job.

bet you'll never guess where.

i do start monday though, so get excited!

just for my recruiter

this blog isn't necessarily abandoned, it's just at a standstill, much like my life.

i don't really have anything cool to say about what i'm doing or anything...i sleep all the time and go to the pool and do my scrapbook, mixed in with hanging out with some friends. but i'm BORED and i need to start doing something a.s.a.p.

i am excited about the possibilities that i have -- i could possibly be teaching in the fall, or i could be coordinating parties and weddings at a country club in charlotte, or who knows what else. i'm just waiting for things to fall in to place (or, mainly, to see what the state says about me teaching...)

i'll tell you what i AM excited about...going to buies creek this weekend and to greensboro next weekend for chad & alicia's wedding and then to emerald isle for a week! THAT, my friends, is exciting.

2 weeks until i graduate.

wowsville. (haha)

Your Power Color Is Gold

At Your Highest: You are engrossed in passions that mentally stimulate you. At Your Lowest: You seek thrills and neglect what's important in your life. In Love: You see dating as adventure and approach it with an open attitude. How You're Attractive: You passion for life makes others passionate about you. Your Eternal Question: "Am I Having Fun?"

What's Your Power Color?

i have four weeks of college left.

there are almost exactly five weeks until graduation.

i hope that i can spend as much time with people as possible. suddenly priorities have changes for me, but i think they have for other people to and i don't know what to do about that.

most days, i am so torn about how to feel. i am SO ready to be out of here, yet uncertain about so many things. quarterlife crisis, i guess.

in our Bible study on wednesday, melinda brought up the fact that you don't hear much about "miracles" these days.

i think we miss so many miracles because a) we don't show weakness or b) we're not real with people.

i feel like there aren't many people that i can be totally real with (and vice versa) right now and i think that's been my problem this semester.

but i am SO thankful for those of you i am that close to and who feel comfortable enough to be real with me. i wish all of my relationships could be this way.

i think that's it...i'm just thinking out loud here...

my weekend in pictures...

me and the fam at my grandparents 65th wedding anniversary dinner on friday night


katie, linds and me before formal


me and clayton with an original photo op


king ryan & me


princess gretchen & me


me and my princely date clayton

my life is brilliant

i love my life.

it might be ridiculously busy.
i might get no sleep. ever.
that might be because i stay up really late talking with really great people for no reason.
or because i run myself ragged thinking about campbell university and how to make it better.
or because i'm applying for jobs since i have no time to do that during the day.

but i don't really care.
it's worth it.
honestly.

God's timing is perfect.

happy valentine's day!

i looooove you.

let's go CAMELS

only two games left in the season and i will be in BOSTON during the last one...

yes, BOSTON. i'm not too sad i guess...

one of my favorite pictures that will soon be commemorative:



and congratulations to jeanna and dan...i LOVE, love, LOVE you both! :)

just for you, TSP

Three Names You Go By: 1. Michelle 2. Sunshine 3. "Dictator," apparently

Three Things That Scare You: 1. The freakin' Exorcism of Emily Rose 2. trying to find health insurance 3. the terrorists on 24 (good thing there's JACK BAUER.)

Three of Your Everyday Essentials: 1. Chapstick 2. a few spritzs of Victoria's Secret "Very Sexy" perfume, which is definitely "the Michelle signature scent" these days 3. Email, Cell Phone, FACEBOOK

Three Things You Are Wearing Right Now: 1. my giant bling ring on my left middle finger 2. polka-dot suit jacket 3. flip-flops, since i THOUGHT it was warm outside today

Three of Your Favorite Drinks: 1. Chick-fil-A Sweet Tea with a squirt of Lemonade 2. Coke 3. Cherry-Lemon Sundrop (not found in many gas stations these days)

Three of Your Favorite Songs - at the moment: 1. "Banana Pancakes," Jack Johnson 2. "Addicted," Kelly Clarkson 3. "Bebot," Black Eyed Peas

Three Things You Want in a Relationship (other than Real Love): 1. Communication 2. Solid Friendship 3. Stomach -hurting Laughter

Two Truths and a Lie: 1. I have two different-sized arms. 2. I have three steel joints. 3. I'm really normal.

Three of Your Favorite Hobbies: 1. Writing (which I've decided to do at least a little of every day to compile my book) 2. Singing really loud in my car to the point that I lose my voice 3. Giving myself way too much to do, so that I have no time for so-called "hobbies"

Three Things You want to do really badly right now: 1. Sleep 2. Go on a cruise 3. Get a job as a speaking, writing, event planning extraordinaire

Three Places You Want to go on Vacation: 1. The FL Keys 2. Hawaii 3. Cali

Three Things You Want to Do Before You Die: 1. Adopt a child. 2. Publish a book. 3. Coordinate some huge music fesitval.

Three Ways that you are stereotypically a Chick/Guy: 1. I own about 35 pairs of HUGE earrings. 2. I squeal at cute hats in the mall. 3. I cry at EVERYTHING, especially if it makes me happy! (i.e. - television shows, when I get in the car after a good conversation, etc...it's absolutely ridiculous)

Three people I would like to see take this quiz: 1. Katie Tibbitts (always a provider of non-average answers) 2. The Grate Gatsby (see Katie Tibbitts description) 3. Word (see 1 & 2)

time is going very quickly for me...

whew.

i promise i'll update this soon. promise.

it's been a good Christmas here in weddington.

what about yours?

'tis the season

rockin' around the sweater party...



cheesy adult picture...



oh what fun!

my GOSH, life is weird right now.

for all you blog stalkers out there...

(okay, for all TWO of you)

ryan jones and word have both ever-so-nicely reminded me in the past week that i have not updated this thing in forever, so here goes nothing.

this week should prove to be quite lazy. i'm working everyday for aramark, but i don't mind that at all since i can come home at night and not have to worry about "homework." i think i'll go home on thursday or so...we'll see!

today, i ran into word at the gas station (almost literally ran into him). really, i was driving down the road and saw him getting gas and decided to turn in pretty quickly on impulse since i never get to see the guy anymore. we talked about lots of random things and he inspired me to write in my blog and even gave me a story idea, so here it is.

after lunch today i decided to pay a visit to the cu infirmary since my eye had been red in the corner for about 3-4 days. i found out that i have a scratched cornea. little did i know that putting these amazing drops in my eye for 5 days will clear that up, although i do have to wear my glasses for 5 days now.

i was going to include a picture on here of a scratched cornea, but i'm not finding anything good.

what else has been going on?

well, friday was my birthday and, as usual, i was rewarded with an exam...brit lit ii at 8am was a great birthday start-off. i was very relieved when it was over, though, and i definitely enjoyed the rest of the day.

katie put fliers everywhere with my face on them wishing me a happy birthday. i found that out when i went to take my books back to the bookstore and my huge winking face was on the door.

then katie, ian, clayton and i went thrift store shopping all afternoon, only to come back to a surprise party in the student center, which was definitely fun and definitely surprising. :)

that night, we went to bogart's in raleigh for dinner, which was f-a-b-o-l-o-u-s and then we came back for helen's 1st annual Christmas sweater party where i sported my red corduroy jumper and Christmas tree turtleneck (with white tights and red shoes, i might add). overall, it was a good 22nd birthday and now i give up on birthdays since none of them matter until i'm 30.

exams were okay...i can't believe i only have a semester left though...pretty overwhelming, and i'm sure it will only get worse. i'm going to start applying to jobs over Christmas, so that should be interesting...

and for now, i saw my goodbyes. i promise i'l try to think of something cooler to write about than a scratched cornea in the next few days...

i am SO delerious right now as i sit in my publication design class.

to much brit lit on my brain and hanging over my head for my paper due tomorrow...
and everyday, more and more, i cannot believe that i actually sit through my ridiculous classes.

(see...i can't even spell "too" right now)

and i keep bursting out in laughter and i can't control it. dang it.

(stalling when i should be doing my brit lit paper)

a few things i've been thinking about lately...

• it's a darn good thing that God uses us even when we don't think we're doing ANYTHING that could possibly be of use to Him. i have been feeling for the past couple months that i am doing nothing worthwhile and really just floundering around with my life, right in between college and the real world. and thank goodness God knows when you feel that way and sends encouragment that keeps you going everyday.

(i.e. - there was an interview with me in the campbell times two weeks ago because i won homecoming queen. they had emailed me 8 or 10 questions to answer, and said they would choose a few to publish. one of the questions was something like "what's a major challenge you face?" i sat and the computer and thought about it for awhile, the obvious answer being my arthritis, but telling myself that i shouldn't use that answer b/c i don't want people to feel sorry for me. then i told myself that i should suck it up and answer the question correctly, b/c that's my life, and i shouldn't try to downplay it. so i answered the question, explaining my arthritis and mentioning my elbow replacement this past summer. the following monday, i received an email from the campbell times with an attachment email forwarded from a lady in tarboro who had seen the paper and wanted get in contact with me . turns out her 13-year-old daughter has severe arthritis in her elbow and is very apprehensive about having any surgery to correct it. in my reply, i asked her how she got her hands on a paper, and if she took night classes or something. she replied that her son happened to be at campbell that weekend for a boy scout conference and had picked up a paper and brought it home. she also told me that her daughter kept the paper and reads it often. -insert michelle cries her eyes out here- i have since proceeded to think to myself "what if the only reason i won homecoming was to be able to help that little girl? what if the only reason i know enough people to win is to help that little girl?" you just never know.)

• it's been a very interesting semester for me compared to the past 6 i've spent here. my life has changed a lot, for the simple fact that many of the people i used to spend all my time with have grad classes and boyfriends/fiancees and real jobs. so i find myself spending time with people that i haven't even really known in the past few years, yet i am SO glad i get to hang out with this year. i've been able to get to know and hang out with so many people from sga this year too, and that has really been a blessing to my life. i don't think i can possibly explain how much those people make my days. don't get me wrong, i'm very thankful for the time i do have with my old friends, but i realize that we lead very different lives these days. i hope we can continue to spend more and more time together, though, since this part of life is almost over for me.
• i'm really trying to do what i can where i'm at and with the time i have. it's REALLY hard, but i'm trying in so many areas.
• i have to say that i'm soooo thankful for katie and lindsay every hour of my life. they are incredibly different people, but they definitely share in the fact that they care and they have good hearts. can't ask for more than that.
• i was so happy to see my family at homecoming. and i am really looking forward to thanksgiving to see my family and old friends.
• i think that's all for now. i have GOT to do this paper.

breakfast clubbing toniiiiight!

i promise to post in the next few days...

i'm feeling very overwhelmed with everything right now and i really wish i had the patience and time to type it all out, but i'm getting there.

hope you're having a wonderful week!

can i post anything tim jenkins?

YES.

three cheers for halloween!

it's been quite an interesting week...but God is teaching me a lot (surprise, surprise).

halloween dancing was great fun last night...
for those of you who didn't see me, i'm sure it was b/c i was wearing camo, so don't worry about it. and sorry if i accidently shot you during the dance...sometimes i just can't control those guns.

camels & kilts

well, homecoming was spectacular.

it wasn't looking too good on friday during the torrential downpours all evening, but saturday cleared up and everything went on as scheduled...

dad and me at halftime...


linds, me and katie (we look a lot different than that freshman year picture on my wall...)


watch out!


and the family...
(no comments on my 16-year-old brother please girls)


good times. i miss homecoming already. good thing i'm guaranteed to come back next year now! :)

yeah, so, my brother's pretty much the man.

he scored the winning touchdown at the whs homecoming game on friday night IN OVERTIME. and he's a sophomore starting varsity. you know you're jealous.

just had to brag. :)

fall break = the best ever

ALREADY.

tonight, i came home to an "early birthday scavenger hunt" where i found a new car in the garage. (not "new," but new for me...my mom's galant) and katie and melinda have known about this for a couple weeks now.

happy fall break to meeeee :)

r.i.p. honda accord with the deer dent in the front...
you will not be missed.

tomorrow is fall break

and katie, melinda and i are going to charlotte and to virginia (on saturday)

and i get to watch my brother start varsity football at my high school homecoming game on friday.

and i am SO happy about it right now!

emily holliday, computer genius.

yippee!

what shall i be for halloween?

any suggestions would be much appreciated. the creativity is just not flowing this year.

sometimes i just want to kick myself.

i feel like if i knew God better, i would know better what he wants for my life and things wouldn't be so confusing.

this process is a lot more involved than that simple statement, but then again, it isn't.


_____
honesty is a hard attribute to find,
when we all want to seem like we've got it all figured out.

well let me be the first to say that i don't have a clue,
i don't have all the answers,
ain't gonna' pretend like I do

i'm just trying to find my way,
trying to find my way the best that I know how

a few pictures of the semester thus far.

jeanna's 21st birthday dinner...

a little stroll through toys r us was much better than we would have expected, since they helped jeanna join geoffrey's birthday club! (doesn't she look excited!?!)


the crew at toys r us


the breakfast clubbers in raleigh....


and a little bit of sga...

my b-e-a-utiful exec


ever-so-stunning VP brent


holland and whitney after they capsized at the retreat


robert and brent...isn't that cute? 2 weeks in a row!


and last but not least

motion to GET DOWN.

hmm...

Your Birthdate: December 9

Your birth on the 9th day of the month adds a tone of idealism and humanitarianism to your nature. You become one who can work easily with people because you are broadminded, tolerant and generous. You are ever sensitive to others' needs and feelings, and you are very sympathetic and compassionate. Your feeling run deep and you often find yourself in dramatically charged situations. This 9 energy always tends to give more that it gets.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

daily renewal

i am constantly learning so much about God and about how to live my life.

it just takes me so long to actually put these things into action, which then brings understanding and complete faith. i wish my darn human nature would just hold still for a minute so i wouldn't wake up every morning and have to start all over again.

(sigh)

but, hey, that is the title of the blog isn't it?

i need Thee,
i need Thee,
i need Thee every hour

a few things

first of all, i am so impressed with everyone on sga. SO much work in SO little time. and we're all hanging out all the time. i love it.

in other news...

i read about myself in the Bible today.

basically, while Jesus was eating with the pharisees one night, an "immoral" woman came and washed His feet with her hair and poured perfume on them. the pharisees could not understand why Jesus would let someone like her touch His feet.

Jesus proceeded to tell a story to the pharisees so that they could answer their own question. two men owed money to a moneylender. one owed $500 and the other $50. they were both broke, so the moneylender decided to cancel their debts. then He asked "which one of them will love him more?"

(in case you don't know...the answer is the man who owed $500. c'mon, even the pharisees knew that)

then Jesus compared the pharisees to the woman, saying that she was a lot more loving than they were, since they didn't have that much "debt" to cancel in the first place.

"therefore, I tell you, her many sins are forgiven -- for she loved much. but he who has been forgiven little loves little." (luke 7:47)

_______________


i've been thinking a lot about that today....

i really do think that since i haven't had a particularly rough past, at times i don't show enough mercy and forgiveness to those around me. it's very interesting to consider how much my past does effect the way i treat people now. that's why i'm REALLY focusing on getting to know people personally, so that i don't misunderstand them and so that i can respect them for who they are. when you don't take the time to understand others' perspectives, you automatically assume that they do or should have your own.

anyway, i don't really know what else to say about that...just something that really struck me today for some reason.

this pharisee's going to bed.

there is certainly a block-rockin' beat outside my window at reardon right now.

reminds me of a parking lot dance. ahhh, yeah....

RETREAT, RETREAT!

good times were had this weekend at the sga retreat.

mingling games, whitney acquiring half the deck in UNO, parliamentary procedure, canoe crashing, bonfire, "club sga" with a stunning performance by ryan jones.....priceless.

thank you everyone for such a wonderful weekend! the best part was hanging out with all of you.

and my favorite comment of the weekend?

will henley: "Motion to get down."

well, it seems as if everyone and their mother has something to say about what's happening in new orleans.

no offense to those who are expressing their opinions...
i think everyone has their own way of processing situations like this...

so what do i have to say?

do something.

- give $5 to the social work club when you see them sitting out with collection boxes
- start up a car wash in your neighborhood
- raise money through your club, residence hall, department
- sell lemonade, for crying out loud!



i've said many times that i'm glad there are other Christian people in the world cut out to be politicians, scientists, preachers, broadcasters, etc. b/c i just can't do it. and i'm thankful that someone can, b/c we certainly need a variety of Christians to reach the incredibly diverse world we live in.

and sometimes i feel like i'm too laid back about this type of situation because i don't get enthralled in the politics of it all. i just feel like it's a waste of my time b/c i know that no matter how educated i think i am, the government doesn't tell us much of anything about what's really going on. i don't know....maybe i'm just using that as an excuse or maybe i'm naive.

i just think that it's our duty to try to help in any way we can, and sometimes i wonder if the media and government are put there as barriers to distract us a little bit more from what we should be focusing on.

so, there you have it. my post on new orleans.

please let me know if you don't have anywhere on campus to get involved in the relief effort...
we can use all the help we can get!

V-A-L-L-E-Y, that's the way we spell Valley...

this large fellow played on my high school football team (my freshman/sophomore year hs)

he was also a big part in the ohio/pitt game last night.



that's sun valley high school for ya'.....the place where stars are born.

from my heart flow

my wonderful friend zack reminded me today to be thankful for the moment.

he noticed that i had been reminiscing a lot about old times in the blog lately, and reminded me to enjoy this season in my life.

we discussed how we are thankful for the people in our lives right now, and then i realized how especially thankful i am that i'm a different person than when i came to campbell. although my first few years here were awesome, i'm perfectly happy being where i am right now.

so thanks friend, i needed to hear that tonight.

ode to old skool

it's very interesting when you start realizing that you're closer to more people that work for the university than go to the university. i'm sure the numbers will start evening out here in the next month or so, but it's a totally different feeling than i've had here before.

i really miss the "old school" people who have departed from campbell. it's weird to be the "oldest" when you still feel like you felt 3 years ago at this time. i wish there were still "experienced" people that i could talk to and get advice from; people that could pick on me for being naive and 18 years old. people that started nicknames like "efird" and "sunshine" that have carried over but still don't seem quite right (besides the occasional greeting from butta).

but this is probably exactly how they felt when i was a freshman...missing those who came before them. and hopefully i'll be able to do the same things for new students that they did for me.

and hopefully they'll come back to visit this year (i.e. homecoming, random weekends, spring formal, etc).

and to see me graduate.
(cough, cough) MAY 15, 2006 (cough, cough)

so here's to the old schoolers. may you thoroughly enjoy what you're doing right now, but still miss campbell enough to come back and see the few of us that are left...